Looking for any helpful suggestions from anyone who has or is going through similar! Have been in bed with a banging headache and glands up, having been ill since the week before Christmas but had to keep going as didn’t want to let the kids and family down. This has been coming for a while though and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Children are 4 and almost 2, I work PT (3 days) in a relatively demanding civil service job, think central Gov department type role. I had a bit of a breakdown the week before Xmas and after almost a year of being back from mat leave and various promises from my line manager that things will get better, none of which have materialised, I went to my director and HR in desperation. I think they recognise what I’m saying but I don’t think things will change in this role and I’m hoping they can support me with a managed type move - I’m a strong performer and this is relatively common in the civil service, I just don’t have the headspace or confidence to apply for things anymore although I did earlier in the year - I just feel so broken. My role isn’t super demanding in the sense of daily pressure of deadlines but it’s trying to deliver and tackle a big challenge with no senior support and big risks if we don’t make progress which no one is acknowledging. I think I’m going to take time off in the new year til I feel better.
I adore my kids but my little one (DS) is particularly challenging, very physical and strong and I often find myself too exhausted and overpowered to manage him. I dread my husband not being around. 4 yo is good but a terrible eater (have posted on here about this before) and I generally find trying to tackle that and the dinner/bedtime routine every evening impossible. They have too much screen time and I feel guilty. I have been ill at various points over the year and seem to just about get back on an even keel but I feel I have no reserves or resilience, and now every few weeks I seem to crash. Looking back over messages to my husband I just keep saying ‘I can’t do this anymore’ but then somehow do.
I can go into the office in London(1.5 hours away) but find it draining so always work from home, I never really leave the house so am always doing work or childcare - including one of my working days when my parents are here to look after kids, which isn’t ideal as I just get involved. OH is a good and hands on dad but has a very senior demanding job and it always takes priority over mine for kids sick days etc, he travels to London. As I work part time I’m the project manager of the house and have found the last few months in the build up to Xmas, planning kids birthdays etc, alongside the day to day, finding fun things to do, activities etc, very challenging. On Halloween I literally ended up sitting on the floor of of a car park with them at a farm - a low point! I feel on edge, suffering with anxiety (I had PND and PNA last year and see a lot of symptoms creeping back) and now the physical symptoms coming and I just can’t cope anymore.
Surely life can be better than this - I can’t imagine another year like this, it’s all just felt so hard since I had my second child. I see everyone else seemingly just getting on with it and coping, often in harder circumstances than mine. We have a nice life, home etc and feel so guilty for feeling this way. I want to try and find a way to make work manageable, enjoy being with my children, none of it perfect but just a bit better.