I think I’m raising spoiled brats

[YouFilthyAnimal]

Please help!
I don’t know how this has happened but the older my DC get the less likeable they are
Really spoiled and rude and ungrateful

A particular low moment was on Xmas day when 7 year old was misbehaving and I told him to behave essentially, and he said ‘well I’ve got all my presents now I don’t need to!’

I have a teen and a pre teen who are really really horrible to be around
I don’t even want to be in the same room as them most of the time, the way they speak to people is horrific and I just don’t know why

Please help me
What can I do to change this??
I feel like taking all of their possessions away and making them go work in a homeless shelter or something so maybe they can see how fucking lucky they are and they should actually act like it
Although not sure the younger two would be allowed 😏

But seriously, I’m mortified and I really don’t know how this has happened, I don’t feel like I parent that differently to anyone around me yet my children are unbearable!

Sit down with all of them and write some house rules between you all, and then consequences for breaking them.

We have rules up on the wall, the 7 year old has ADHD so they are very clearly displayed
It makes not one jot of difference

And tbh this isn’t so much about behaviour, more about attitude

Christmas can be a tough time. Has it been like this for a long time or just over the past couple of weeks?

What specific consequences do you have in place for if/when house rules are broken? And do you enforce them?

So when your son said he didn’t need to behave as he had all of his presents how did you respond?

@Rainallnight it’s been a slow decline tbh
The 7 year old was only diagnosed and started medication in April, so I think the energy I have to put into controlling him has had a big effect elsewhere
But it’s honestly unbearable now, I’ve told my DH I want to split - I don’t, I just want him to have to take the kids away sometimes, I literally don’t even want to be around them, so I’ve had to tell DH I don’t want to be with him anymore because I just can’t see another way

@Britinme the younger two go on the ‘naughty step’ but they don’t particularly care, they screech and scream the whole time they’re on there, it takes hours sometimes, then they come straight off and do the naughty thing again
The older two might lose a screen or have to do an extra chore, but tbh it’s hard let to enforce with them because it’s every word out of their mouth that is just said in the most disgusting tone, I can’t punish them 24/7!

@Quitelikeit I was so taken aback I didn’t respond for a minute or two, I then obviously told him that we don’t only behave so we get presents and of course his things can be taken away
He just sort of ‘La-la-la’d and carried on
They just don’t care

Sounds like things have been really tough and your child’s adhd has taken its toll on you and you feel totally unsupported by your husband. I think this is probably where the route of the problem in the family relationship and communication is, you need support and your husband and you need to improve communication, you both have to adapt to parent a child with adhd and that’s hard. Do the other children possibly have additional needs too? Maybe some support for you as a family or as a couple would help.

@YouFilthyAnimal I really feel for you. My guess would be your 7 year old imitates his older siblings to some extent? Parenting is so bloody hard, I feel similar today about my 5 & 7 year olds, they are incredibly hard work and I just said today I would like to get on a plane and have a month alone! I have spent Christmas with family feeling hugely judged for their behaviour and I am absolutely exhausted by it all. So if you fancy joining me I am planning a fantasy holiday abroad :)

It sounds really tough for you, OP. I'm following this thread with interest because my DDil is having similar issues with her youngest (4). She also looks after another 4 year old and a 6 year old, all boys, as her job, and is finding it very hard when all the children plus the two girls (7 and 10) are together.

Agh I'm no expert but I'm the opposite of the don't sweat the small stuff theory of parenting. Now mine are older (12 and 8) I expect quite high standards in terms of listening and talking with respect to each other and everyone. My 12 yo sometimes pushes it and so I warn her and she knows I will follow through. You may have to do this a few times before they believe it but being really clear about where the boundaries are is the key I think.

What jobs and chores do they do around the house? If none, I think this is an important one to start -to help them understand that they cannot just take, they have to contribute too. Regarding Christmas presents, did they give Christmas presents to other people - their siblings, you, grandparents - or did they just receive them?

I agree with @mewkins . Clear boundaries and clear (and immediate) consequences. A reminder of the boundaries if they are pushed, and then a consequence. If they break something of their own, it doesn't get replaced. If they are rude, they lose a (valued) possession for a while. If the rudeness doesn't stop, they lose it for longer or they lose something else - pocket money for example, and they don't get bought whatever they would normally buy for themselves with it. But you have to be solid in following through. If you threaten and don't follow through, all you are teaching them is that they can safely ignore you.

ADHD child, coat on and run him around to get rid of some of the energy. It’s hard to maintain boundaries over a Christmas period. Use all the regular strategies- warning, time out, sanction, apology. This structure works well with children of any preteen age.

it is worth considering that the constant battles with you child with ADHD will inevitably have an effect on others. I wouldn’t take it to heart, but I would speak to then individually when the opportunity presents itself, to reinforce the need for good behaviour

Forgot the most importance thing, praise the good behaviour by naming what they have done/ said. Don’t give the praise lightly but try to give it often.

It's a really tricky time, i'm sorry, I do feel your pain. For me, communication and consistency with boundaries is key.

Any rudeness/being mean = immediately and calmly turning off tv/ computer/ game etc that anyone is in the middle of and saying calmly I just need to talk to you a minute and then communicate privately that talking like that is not ok etc without shaming/shouting in front of everyone. I know you're angry with your brother and I get that it's annoying but speaking like that is not going to be happening.

Don't let it slide even if you get backlash, just don't shout back. Tell them it makes you sad to hear and don't they want their family to feel happy instead of the alternative. It takes more energy to do it every time but hopefully it will pay off and things will change over time if you stand your ground.

I know that most of the time all my DC want is to be heard. They are pissed off so they tell their sibling I hate you or me to shut up etc but if I pull them aside and say hey what's wrong? What's made you so angry as to say that? Then they can openly tell you what has annoyed them. You can then sympathise and say I get that is really annoying. Do you want something to eat? Do want a hug? Do you want to go upstairs for a bit and listen to music or whatever or help me make dinner? Please don't tell me to shut up again.

Mine have got a lot better since me not shouting "You can't tell me to shut up, who do you think you are blah blah blah" and instead just having an honest conversation. The more you let bad behaviour slide the more normal it gets and the more they are just told to go and sit on the naughty step without asking what's the matter, they will just think god I hate her and the cycle continues. Good luck, make some new rules and good relationships