Sharing at playgroups

[Obadiah]

Hi! Just wanted to ask how people deal with unsupervised kids at playgroups/softplay snatching toys from your own DC or refusing to share?

DS is 18m and often has toys taken from him by older toddlers (there are some repeat offenders at groups we go to).

I don't want DS thinking we just let other people take things from us, but I'm a little nervous of overstepping when it comes to telling other people's kids what to do.

Taking a toy off a 2.5y/o is kind of a bad look isn't it?

It’s a bad look yes. I remember an older toddler snatching a toy from DD who was about 10 months old, she snatched it back and hit him with it 😆 no telling off from me… but yeah you can’t really do anything, it’s annoying

Well really the parents should intervene. Just because theirs are slightly older doesn’t mean they’re actually old enough to play unsupervised with others. I guess you can also try to pre empt it, block the snatch and tell the older toddler they can have a turn next. If you don’t get there in time then often 18 month olds aren’t actually fussed and you can distract them with something else. But I don’t know if playgroups where the other parents repeatedly let their kids snatch and just ignore it would be places I wanted to frequent…

It’s hard. The worst is when some parents forget that part of sharing is waiting your turn, not just demanding a go from another kid who is mid-play.

I am interested to see responses to this as I'm contemplating no longer going to a church playgroup near me for this exact issue.
My son is nearly 2, there are 2 older toddlers (same mother), who snatch and are very aggressive. She does absolutely nothing to control them. When I say aggressive, I mean full blown tantrum, hitting my son with hard toys. She just stands there and says "I think there is something wrong with him". OK maybe there is, but you still need to control him.

I don't think it's a big deal at this age. All kids at playgroups are young and learning. Parents should encourage to share and take turns but who wants to be a helicopter parent hovering and fussing over every single interaction. If another child snatches you could always politely ask for the toy back and say you are not finished with it yet or distract lo with another toy. You can't really control other childrens behaviour or correct them for not sharing imo. The only time I would mention something to the other parent is if their child was being too rough and hurting my child. Snatching and not sharing is annoying to watch as a parent but is normal part of toddlers learning how to play and interact with other children.

Yeah, it’s always a bit of the Wild West. Personally I think it’s good for children to figure this out for themselves (within reason!). With mine I practised with them being polite but assertive at home e.g “no, I’m still playing with this” which helped far more than me refereeing every interaction. Before 2yrs old I don’t think toddler groups are helpful to go to since they just don’t have the skills to play with others nor is it developmentally appropriate to be sharing.

Thanks for the responses. We live in a small town, so there aren't too many places to take toddlers to play - if you want to go out, chances are you're going to encounter the same families.

Most of the mums went to school together and congregate together. Which is nice, I mean it's a nice opportunity for them to catch up etc and I don't resent them wanting to get together, but they don't watch the kids. A couple of them do have DC who basically trail around after other children snatching stuff off them.

Thanks @Heyln for your post, I do agree with what you've said.

I guess one of my worries is I found it very hard to assert myself when I was a child and was bullied all through school. I know DS is young and this is not "bullying" but just v young kids without the emotional capacity to share. But I just worry that I'm still subtly giving the message that we don't speak up for ourselves.

Probably not anything I really can do about it though... I guess there will be other opportunities to show DS how to be assertive (I mean in a positive way).

What I used to do until mine was about 3yo was play with him or just be close by. If another child tried to snatch/push past mine, I’d gently intercept and say things like “Hold on darling, Charlie* isn’t done with the toy // wait your turn for the slide” etc

If I see my son snatch I do take it off him and tell him to wait his turn and be patient.
If I see someone snatch from him I'll wait to see if the parent sorts it, 8/10 I can distract my son quite easily with something else.

9/10 the parent watches their child snatch and doesn't do anything so I just look at them 😂

It's annoying and hard if your child is enjoying the toy but they do soon forget.

I do intervene and tell the other child to not snatch. Children that age will usually listen to another adult. I don't let my children snatch either.

Over about 3, I agree that they usually work it out without adult intervention but I don't think a child under 2 can learn much from the experience of an older child repeatedly snatching from them.

I hear you OP and for the same reasons I personally would intervene gently sometimes. For instance, if my DC was playing with two toys and a child took one I’d encourage her to share. But if she was playing with one toy and a child tried to take it I would explain that she wasn’t finished (or now she’s bigger encourage her to do that) and gently take it back. I would encourage a turn for the child in a few minutes as well which my DC would do. I wouldn’t allow her to snatch either, though.

Though I do see what PP are saying about helicoptering and I’m going to ponder on that one I think.

I'm a childminder and I would definitely take the toy back! I would say, we are taking turns. It's X's turn now, it can be your turn next. And then if they waited I would give it to them after a few minutes. I think it's important for your DC to understand taking turns has a positive as will as the having to wait. Although I do think working with children normalises taking to children I don't know in this way, iykwim.

I'd ideally intervene/deflect before the toy was taken but if not I'd ask for it back (or take it back) immediately, smile and say something like "just a minute sweetheart, Charlie's still playing with that but you can have it after".

If there are repeat offenders, keep a close eye and get in the way before they get to your child.

This! It drives me mad when parents think sharing means giving up something the moment someone else asks for it - imagine expecting adults to do that.

The only time I've ever intervened was when a child wanted the bib from around my child's neck and tried to drag it off him. Said child's mother was in a corner, looking everywhere but at her child. So I had to sort it.

As wonderingwhatsnext said, as a childminder I would gently remove it from the other child & give it back to the child who 1st had it. Telling them that X is playing with it just now but 'asking' 1st child to let them have toy for a turn after they have finished with it. Often younger children will move on in a couple of minutes anyway. Teaches children they can't just snatch off others & not everything up for grabs- as adults we don't expect to hand over our belongings to others.
Slightly different if one child is hoarding a large amount of something e.g. all the Lego blocks or a train set with multiple trains - in this case I would ask the children to share equally & reinforce that these are toys for sharing

I think it's a bit of a free for all at this age and parents can only be expected to intervene to an extent (let's face it - we're all there for the coffee and adult chat)

mine weirdly never went through a snatchy stage (not boasting - they were obnoxious in countless other ways. They also never went to nursery so still a bit soft round the edges) but sometimes had their toys pinched at playgroup. I've always ignored it. Feels a bit precious to intervene when they're all tiny.

Of course you can (and sometimes should) intervene. It depends on the circumstances.

If an older child snatches something, smile and say ‘X is playing with that, you can have a turn next’ and take it back. I’ve never known a child not to hand a toy over to a stranger, but if they refuse, I’d leave it and explain to my LO that the other child is still learning about sharing. The important thing is your child sees that it’s ok to stand up for themselves.

Sit with them and if another child approaches hold the toy firmly and refuse to hand it over. Otherwise ignore it.

They can't understand the concept of sharing until at least 3+ as they don't develop the concept of empathy until then, so don't understand why someone would want something they have or have taken off them. I would try to keep this in mind and respond proportionately. There is no harm encouraging sharing and discouraging snatching/taking off others but I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it. Obviously violent behaviour is a different issue and needs to be managed more directly.

I agree that they don't get the concept of taking turns etc till around 2.5/3 but I don't think they just spontaneously get it, they need to be gradually shown that it's not on to snatch and have good behaviour modelled to them

Argh just typed a reply and then accidentally hit the search button.

I do understand that it's normal behaviour and no judgement on the kids who do it- DS might start snatching too in a few months.

At the moment he looks baffled when it happens, but isn't too upset. Think I will limit intervening to situations where another child is repeatedly taking things he's playing with. There is one little girl who will follow him for a minute or two and take anything he picks up. Or also maybe if there is something DS seems to be particularly enjoying - at one playgroup there is a soft toy dog he likes to walk around with and give kisses on the nose - it made me sad when it got taken from him, even though he did just do the usual baffled face haha. But I'll leave it the rest of the time.

To the poster who mentioned playgroups don't do much for the under 2s - I think DS does get a lot from going to the groups. He likes watching the older kids and watching how they do things. Plus they're in church halls with lots of space to run, and he gets to play with toys we don't have at home.

Thanks to the childminders who have commented too! Interesting.

When this happened when mine were tiny I'd always intervene.
I'd gently but firmly say to the child that snatched that we don't snatch, we take turns. Then I'd remove the toy and give it back to the child it was taken from. I'd do the same with my children too.
I ran out toddler group so I was always doing this.