Extra fussy baby

[Ellebel]

I have a 3.5 month baby who from the beginning has been extremely fussy. We’ve eliminated all the possible reasons- no colic, reflux, osteopath found nothing. We follow wake windows, he has naps (doesn’t go down easily but does with some rocking/ pram pushing). And sleeps pretty well at night, point being I don’t think he’s over tired. He is mixed fed, breast feeding didn’t work for me despite seeing multiple lactation consultants sadly, but I express and formula feed.

He is just really grumpy. Most of the time he is awake he is crying or whinging. He rarely goes 10mins ever without crying. I spend all day every day trying to keep him entertained, different toys, read to him, sing to him, wander around the house, park etc talking away to him. I have friends with babies and they are all so much calmer and content. I can’t put him down for 5mins and get anything done. I have anxiety about going anywhere with him because his meltdowns come thick and fast and I can never relax or join the conversations while everyone else just seems to bounce their babies on their knees as they gurgle happily away.

There are moments when he is wonderful, big smiles and giggles, they are just very few and far between the endless crying.

Am I doing something wrong? Will he ever become happier? Does anyone have any experience of this and found over time their babies became more content? Any advice?

I was prepared for the lack of sleep, loss of freedom etc but I am struggling with feeling like my baby is just so unhappy all the time and like I am failing him in some way.

Thanks for any advice x

Sorry didn't want to read and run - I have a 5month old who I class as high needs and feel your pain! She's so grizzly atm

Could it be teeth?

It's horrible isn't it - you just can't help comparing the chilled settled babies x

How did they rule out reflux? Silent reflux?

You can’t rule out reflux….
It’s often the reason why babies are needy, like to be held , better upright…

Some babies are just hard work , it gets easier

Poor you. DS was like this. I concluded he was a ‘high needs baby’. I just knew it was situational and his temperament as opposed to anything medical. People won’t believe you until they’ve had one of their own, but DS was legitimately frustrated and annoyed from weeks old. He wasn’t a ‘velcro baby’ as such - he didn’t get any comfort from being in my arms and he HATED the sling. He just hated being put down more as it wasn’t as stimulating as being held up high.

If I’m being completely honest, most of his first year was incredibly hard work. The fussiness did subside with each milestone achieved…but my god did it ramp up in the run up to the next one.

He had a personality transplant just after his first birthday, basically when he learnt to walk and talk and he has stayed that way ever since (nearly 3). He still needs tons of mental and physical stimulation daily so he’s still quite hard hard work in that sense, but as long as he gets stimulation, he’s the easiest, happiest toddler on the block. He gives me far fewer problems then the toddlers in my NCT group, which is funny as DS was definitely the nightmare baby they were all glad they didn’t have!

My first baby was like this. I could never put him down and I felt constantly anxious when I was out with him, just waiting for him to start crying inconsolably! He never slept in a bassinet, never used the newborn part for pram, woke loads through the night, very pukey but wasn't bothered by it so Dr and HV said better not to treat the reflux. He got better from about a year old but tbh is still pretty hard work. It's just slightly easier now he sleeps and talks. He's very high energy and needs lots of exercise!

2nd baby is one of the babies the textbooks talk about! He is totally chilled and rarely cries, slept through the night (9 hours) from 5 weeks old. Honestly I didn't think this type of baby existed! He is the easiest baby, just goes with the flow.

It's hard work with a "high needs" baby, but it should gradually get better. I don't think people who have the "easy" baby type can really understand it, but I do get you and am sympathetic!

Thanks for your responses. I don’t think it’s reflux as he feeds well and never spits up or seems particularly unhappy right after feeding but I guess I can’t be certain. @VivaVivaa this all sounds so familiar- very much not a Velcro baby, not really into cuddles at all! Will sleep in the sling but only if I’m marching around at all times, same with pram, god forbid I stand still or worse, sit down. He must be up high at all times. He just seems very alert and aware, and very easily bored. I’m sure everyone thinks their child is alert but he really is! Really reassuring to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel, albeit a way off! @snowflake29 glad things were easier for you second time round. My boyfriend and I joke that if we do go again it will likely be easier, unlike for the NCT lot who seemed to get the textbook babies first time round!

@Ellebel and @snowflake29 I've just come across this post as I have a baby that sounds exactly the same and am searching for some
Solidarity/ help! He is 4m old and extremely fussy, cries a lot, needs constant stimulation and to be held up. I'm exhausted and can't help feeling slightly resentful when comparing to my friends' chilled babies.. and anxious about the future.

I just wondered how you have got on, how are your babies now? I'd be so grateful to hear! Thanks

@pixieeyes it does get easier! My son (now 20 months) is still full on and in constant need of attention. But all the kids his age are now unlike when he was glaring different from all the chilled babies. I don’t think he much liked being a baby. He became happier with every milestone reached (crawling, walking, talking) gaining a little more independence every time. Now he’s a wild toddler, there are frequent meltdowns, he gets frustrated very easily… But there is also lots of joy, fun and laughter! He’s got a great personality and is definitely a firm favourite with both the staff and other children at nursery. I think he always just had this big personality that was desperate to escape and express himself.

I’ve also found that while some of my mum friends are finding the transition from chilled baby to wild toddler really difficult, as I never really experienced the more easy entry into parenthood that they did I’m not finding this stage AS difficult as some of them (don’t get me wrong, still good days and bad days)

I remember feeling like those intense miserable baby days would never end- but they do, I promise!

This all sounds so familiar! DD was a few months old when we went into lockdown and it almost killed me. Day after day of constant crying and frustration that got a bit better each time she learnt a new skill but ramped up again as she wanted to learn the next one . She's now 4 and still an absolute whirlwind but a lot less frustrated! She's very bright and capable and as others have said I think she just hated being a baby. She was early to meet all of her physical milestones and into her toddler years was quick to swim with no floats and cycle with no stabilisers. I can see now why being an immobile baby stuck on a playmat would have driven her stir crazy. She's never going to be a laid back kind of kid but she's smart and witty and independent and good company. So it may never be easy with these higher needs kids but it certainly gets easier.

Have you tried the vibrating swing chairs? We got one for £10 off marketplace which was a godsend. Also used a jumperoo as soon as she could sit safely in it, even before her legs touched floor as she could still bounce a little.

what happens if you leave them to winge? Obviously in a safe spot?

Thank you so much @Ellebel @gingerbreadhouses for the reassurance that it gets easier. The last few weeks have been so tricky. He is now 18w old and extremely fussy every day. Sleep is terrible at night too, waking every 1.5-2h, I have to cosleep as I'm exhausted to stay up and try to transfer him into the crib, which often doesn't work and eyes ping open! He is also fed to sleep as won't settle any other way, I've tried. Contact naps only- on me or in a sling. Car journeys are also now a nightmare, he hates the car seat and screams most of the journey. I can't help feeling so resentful and envious of my friends and their relaxed babies, and them talking about having another! Feeling anxious I just won't be able to handle him as an older baby and toddler. I'm a fairly introverted person who likes a calm environment 🙈

@pixieeyes I am literally reading a description of my 11 week old son. I am just wondering how your child is doing now? I honestly can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm so exhausted and constantly angry for not being able to go anywhere or make my baby happy!

@MiRiz I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this, sending you strength and solidarity. My baby is 6.5m now. He is still very fussy in general, and I do find it very challenging and overwhelming. But, things are slowly changing and when he has his moments of being happy, he can be adorable. I think he is very 'high maintenance' and I still don't know what he wants sometimes, but I'm more acceptant of this and will leave him to cry a bit if I can't be there to comfort him that second. I'm just hoping things get easier but do have a fear that this will continue into toddler years and become even worse. I envy other mums who have very seemingly chilled babies.

@pixieeyes thanks for coming back to me! I'm so sorry to hear he's still hard work! I was hoping there's a switch after 4 months but it looks like there isn't! Sending solidarity back, I am also so envious of all the babies in our NCT group who seem to have perfect babies that now even sleep through the night! I did read that high needs babies grow up to be highly empathetic individuals so there's that ha!

I've had one like this and is still like this. He is 6 now and still blooming draining. He was exactly what you described, never ever content no matter what I did. I have a second one now and she's so much more easy going and content and I've realised after six years it was nothing to do with me or my parenting or whether I was struggling with parenting trying to adjust but quite simply put, they all come out different with their temperaments.

It's good to remember that if you're sure they're not hungry/in pain/cold/hot etc. it's ok to let them whinge/cry. Don't kill yourself trying to stop a grumpy baby from being grumpy. Comfort of course and do all the normal stuff, but if you want to put them on their mat and make a cup of tea then do that, it's fine for them to whinge for a bit. It's also fine to put in headphones and listen to a podcast while you walk around with them. If you're actively trying to stop the crying you don't also have to listen to the crying!

Sorry to hear this @teatimelover
Was there anything that has helped? I feel I need all the advice and support I can get, finding it so exhausting already and so worried about the future

@pixieeyes I tire him out like a dog so he doesn't have energy to whinge and whine putting him in every physical activity club as possible and I'm just waiting for him to mature a bit which he is to be fair. He is much better though but just a draining character in general now. Being able to communicate helps. My little girl though will happily bounce in her bouncer or play with something but with him that age, I was just constantly on edge, never able to relax as I was constantly on alert waiting for his next fussiness never being able to get anything done in the house by constantly rotating him around from the baby gym to the bouncer back to the playpen and then to the high chair so he could just be content for a few minutes so I could brush my teeth or go to the toilet. Also screen time helped but with moderation.