Feeling trapped and lonely :(

[Nellie1027]

I feel guilty even writing this but I'm starting to struggle being a new mum and I thought it would be getting easier by now ☹️

My little one is 6 weeks old now. I have been breastfeeding since she was born apart from a bottle every morning when her dad is around.

The past week has been really difficult particularly. She's fussy, difficult to wind, wont be put down, only wants to be rocked and just generally not very happy. I feel like a rubbish mum not knowing how to console her or what's wrong :(

She also only sleeps for 2-3 hours straight at night before waking. Sometimes she wakes, has nappy changed and feeds easily and goes back down, other times she fusses and fights going back to sleep. It's exhausting but I know probably normal (I really hope!).

To top it off the past week my boobs have been leaking all over the place. They haven't done this for weeks and I'm back to using those useless disposable breast pads again. I have to pump to just relieve some of the pressure and it's so uncomfortable. I'm fed up of all my clothes being wet at some point during the day.

I dream all day about bottle feeding exclusively and moving to formula. In my head babies are fuller on formula so maybe she will sleep longer and be more satisfied?! But the guilt eats me alive and I just can't. I know she gets so much more from the breast than just milk but it's SO demanding. I also consider pumping exclusively but I've heard this is equally as demanding and I'd still feel guilty so what's the point!

Also feel so lonely having to be 'on call' all the time to feed her, I feel like I can't really go and do anything in fear she will want feeding again. I feel bad for leaving her with her dad as she's much fussier then as she just wants to comfort nurse. Also, not fun when I'm alone all day either.

Basically I am exhausted and I feel guilty for feeling this way.

I don't even know what the point of this post is. Probably just to vent, I just want to sleeeeep :( there's a reason they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture isn't there!

I breastfed both of mine and remember feeling like this too. It is such an intense period of time but it does get better. If she will take a bottle could you get your DP to stay with her in the evening so you could get some sleep? I found this worked well as I used to go to bed and he would stay with the babies and feed them if they woke between 9pm-12. Then bring them up and I would wake for the early morning feed then.

Have you tried any baby groups with her? We did Waterbabies and other local groups and I found it such a help to be around other mums. None of my friends had kids the same time as me so I felt lonely. However nearly 10 years on from my first DC I am still friends with the ladies from these groups and the kids have all grown up together.

Also if breastfeeding is not for you don’t feel guilty as your mental health is more important. Babies need to be fed, the method is not to be judged by anyone. By doing 6 weeks you have already given her a brilliant head start 😀

It’s exhausting. Honestly it is. Generally I found by 12 weeks with my 3 dcs it started to ease and settle somewhat. You’ll probably see threads on here where other mums say similar about the 12 week mark getting easier. First three months are compared to the 4th trimester. Baby still doesn’t know they’re separate to you.

The leaky boobs are likely your dd having a growth spurt. When that happens, baby feeds more to let your body know it’s time to produce more milk. Then it’ll settle down again until the next growth spurt. (Think of it as the formula equivalent of adding an extra scoop).

The fussiness may be trapped wind / colic, have you tried different winding techniques? I used to find lying them on their backs and doing little cycle legs up and down helped with bottom wind, as did moving both legs towards tummy in a circular movement and back around. I did find walking them in the baby carrier helped with bottom wind too, I think the slight pressure on their tummy and the natural downwards position moved it all down! I did have a baby bjorn carrier though, that style isn’t as popular as wrap types now.

Don’t feel guilty for your feelings, there’s such a huge mix of emotions, you’re trying your best to meet this tiny person’s needs, often at the expense of your own, and they can’t even tell you what’s wrong. If you feel formula might be the answer then that’s your choice. Sometimes it’s not always the answer, some babies do have intolerances, but you may well have noticed more discomfort in her by now if that’s the case. My dc3 is dairy intolerant. The hv wouldn’t believe me that he wasn’t just a fussy baby until he started weaning, due to me BF. But of course dairy that you consume does go through in BF. There would generally be other signs, such as explosive poos, different colour to the yellow mustard seed looking BF poo and very unsettled.

I've taken so long to write this you may well have had more useful answers by now 😍

@PointerSister thank you for taking the time to reply to me!

I think in my head I'd told myself it would be easier by now and because it's not I keep questioning if it ever will get easier. I suppose it's not something that just happens and it's gradual and I need to be more patient but it's hard to be patient when you're so sleep deprived!

We do do some bottle feeding but my husband works shifts so he's not regularly around in the evenings or the mornings so we have to just do what we can based on when he is working. He's very good at getting up in the morning and giving her a bottle though, so will speak to him about the evenings too.

I haven't tried any groups yet as I haven't felt able to get out of the house. I'd love to do waterbabies though so that's definitely on me list :) we did NCT classes and are having a reunion next week so hopefully that will help.

Thank you, this is what I tell myself when I'm sat feeding at 3am but then when it's the day time I feel guilty considering stopping. One day I will make up my mind!

@daisydalrymple thank you for your reply :)

Very true, I forgot about the 4th trimester. I really hope it's better by then, that's something I can work towards!

I thought about the growth spurt but she doesn't seem to be feeding any more than normal? But then I wonder if she's just got more efficient and that's why?

I've tried so many winding techniques, some work and then they stop working and I'm then trying to find the next one that works. We've also tried Infacol, gripe water and Dentinox but none seemed to help much. I have a wrap carrier but she doesn't like it much so maybe I should look into the baby bjorn style ones 😊

We did think about a milk allergy but I don't feel she's uncomfortable enough for that. She does have explosive poos at times but they are the right colour and consistency. HV didn't seem to think it was a problem, but then like you said they can be a bit dismissive sometimes!

Will try not to feel guilty, I know deep down I'm doing my best, it's just been a verrry long 6 weeks!

Have a look on the selling sites for baby bjorn type carriers. I sold both of mine on fb for a tenner or so. No point spending a lot on something you don’t know will work yet.
Dairy intolerance won’t be as extreme in a bf baby, as it filters through, so is just dependent on how much dairy you have yourself. If the bottle she has is formula rather than expressed though, then it would be more obvious if she’s more unsettled after that rather than bf.

Have you got a WhatsApp group for your NCT? We set one up for just the mums, separate to the main one with the dads and course leader. I think that means we’re all more comfortable to speak freely, and it’s been invaluable in helping with loneliness and the emotional rollercoaster of Benoni h a mum.

They are really, really miserable about 6-8 weeks. My mum found me sobbing, holding mine saying 'why isn't she happy? I thought I'd have a happy baby'. It slowly got better from 9-12 weeks. I also remember feeling sticky and wet and grubby and milky all the time.

You're doing amazingly. It all gets easier. She will cheer up. Your boobs will stop exploding.

6 weeks was the worst for me. Then it slowly got better at 8, then at 10 (colic went) and at 12 weeks.
Put baby in a sling and sit down. Watch some Netflix, YouTube or play video games. I doubt that a baby sleeps better on formula. I may be wrong but my formula fed baby didn't sleep for more than a 2-3hrs stretch at night at 6 weeks. It slowly started getting better at 8 weeks where she could sleep 3-4 hrs first stretch. So this is completely normal. Being a mum is the hardest job in the world. I have a 7 1/2 month old and it's much better. Even though she's teething and it feels like I'm back to the newborn days. She slept through 4 nights in 7 days (8-12 hrs uninterrupted)
She eats well and isn't very fussy in general. It's still hard but much better than the newborn days.
Do you bed share? I heard it makes stuff easier for breastfed babies.

My formula fed baby has just turned 12 weeks and still wakes up every 2-3 hours for a feed. My first born was also formula fed and was sleeping 6/7 hours at once by this stag - what I'm trying to say is it varies depending on the child rather than what you are feeding them on. If anything, breast milk should be better for sleep as it contains melatonin and formula doesn't.

@daisydalrymple I will have a look and see what I can find :)
She has her 6 week check yesterday and they don't think she has a dairy intolerance. I don't eat much dairy myself anyway so even if she had a mild one I don't think cutting it out would make much of a difference. She only has breast milk at the moment. They are monitoring her for her reflux though
Thanks again for taking the time to reply to me :)

@MrsFionaCharming we do have an NCT WhatsApp with just the mums but the course leader is also in that one too so I think people hold back a bit on what they share! We are having a meet up next week though that I'm looking forward to and hopefully that will help with the loneliness feeling

@Kitcaterpillar oh that's exactly how I feel right now, why is my baby so unhappy :( I got some reusable breast pads which seemed to be much better than the disposable ones so hopefully I won't have to deal with that wet sticky feeling as much anymore!

Thank you, I really hope so!

@Helena1993 thank you, it's reassuring to know that it seems the 6 week mark is a point where babies can be very fussy! I have a wrap sling but she hates it and I don't get on with it so I'm going to try a different sling today and hope it works! Honestly, I'm a bit bored of Netflix and TV now, I'd like to get out more so hopefully the sling will allow me to go for a walk more easily!
Wow I can only dream of her sleeping that much! We co-slept last night as she wouldn't go down in her Moses basket and she slept much better, so I just think she doesn't want to be on her own at the moment. So if co-sleeping is what I have to do then I'll do it!

@Pinktruffle ok well that answers that question for me then! I've just heard from others that babies are fuller on formula and don't wake up as often but obviously it's not as straight forward as that. I wish babies came with a manual...

This is all so normal. You might get a smile from baby soon and that made such a difference to me lol.

EBF is so much easier than formula in the long run. Just think how you'd feel also having to make up the formula and clean the bottles. At least now you just pick up baby and feed.

Things will settle and get easier. Getting out really helps. Have a look to see if your NCT branch has any walk and talks or bumps and babies groups. Both are super welcoming and flexible so it's fine if you're late or not feeling your best.

Washing bottles is still a very annoying daily task for me.

Sending hugs,it's all so normal. the babycentre app is great as there is a message board for your birth month and it was an absolute lifeline during those lonely nights and days. Hope you are ok, sounds like you are doing a fantastic job xx