Small age gap, no childcare/ support - tips please!

[18monthapprehension]

I’m currently 20 weeks pregnant, heading for an 18 month age gap, and after Christmas Day with my SIL who has the same gap I’m feeling terrified!

We are planning to take my 1yo out of nursery entirely whilst I’m on mat leave, purely for financial reasons, and whilst I was already braced for it being tough she’s made me feel like it’s an absolutely crazy decision.

Can anyone with a similar age gap and no childcare/ family support offer reassurance, and/ or practical tips?!

I had 16m between mine and couldn't have coped having DC1 at home full time with DC2 as a baby. We dropped DC1 to 3 days a week from 4 while on mat leave but the 2 days I was alone with them both were killers. I barely dragged myself through those days as DC2 was BF, DC1 couldn't talk or communicate their needs much and if I was feeding the baby, the toddler had to wait for their drink/food/nap. If finances allow, keep some nursery time

I’ve got 15 months between my oldest two. It was fine. Once the baby got to a few months they had there daytime naps at same time (I was lucky in that my toddler continued to have two daytime sleeps for a long time). I didn’t stress about housework would do simple tasks like put a wash on, me & DH would get the rest done at weekends. Always made sure we went out everyday to a group or park, being so close in age the same music group would entertain them both. When the baby got to toddler age (even younger) they would play together

I'm not going to lie, they were dark days for a few years!! Absolute fantastic age gap generally speaking though. I had eldest in nursery for 2 afternoons when I had the baby. Then I put baby with a childminder for 2 afternoons when she was a toddler and eldest at school nursery. I just tried to break them up as much as possible I think! I asked my dm and in laws for help, just tried to grab an afternoon off them here and there. I wasn't very confident with them both though, as they'd just run in opposite directions etc.

Whatever happens you will be fine though, you will just do it, and you'll look.back and think, how the bloody hell did I do that!!

As I said, it's a great age gap and they are great company for each other, like the same films, toys, days out. Mine are actually in the same class.

I found that going to stay and play toddler sessions an absolute life saver for a number of reasons. They were the type of sessions where mums can just natter whilst keeping an eye on their playing children.
It was lovely to have some adult company to break up the day and meet other parents who understood exactly what it’s like to have children of a close age gap with no family around for support. The other mums became my support network and often offered to have dd1 at theirs for a few hours while I took dd2 for a check up or jabs etc…
It also meant that dd1 got out of the house, got to play with toys that we didn’t have at home and was interacting with dc her own age.

I have a 20 month age gap and no family help. I kept my eldest in nursery 3 days a week. 2 under 2 was really tough. Luckily the baby was quite an easy one comparatively but still, it was hard going. I would not have taken my eldest out of nursery for anything, despite the big financial benefit (we were paying £80 a day!).

I have got a 19 month age gap! I won't lie. It has been tough although my oldest has challenges and is possibly on the spectrum. They argue alot (b/g) and I'm needed 24/7 between them both...(school time is bliss haha) but it is beautiful seeing them grow up together and they do love each other. My youngest was an easier baby compared to my oldest, which helped alot.. I wish I had waited (both planned) looking back BUT I have no regrets. ❤️

Slightly bigger 23 month gap.
DC1 stopped napping 2 days after his sibling was born...
No nursery until I went back to work.
It's fine. You find a rhythm. It all happens. Almost certainly helped by the fact DC2 was significantly more chilled than DC1!

I have 2 year age gap, so 2 under 3 and I really hate the one day a week I have both by myself
it involves a lot of screen time that day! thankfully the toddler goes to nursery and grandparents the rest of the week.

sorry of its not what you want to here but keep them in nursery as much as you can afford. no money better spent!

You'll very quickly regret taking your 18mo out of nursery.

I didn’t have such a tight age gap but my advice is have your eldest on a schedule. Can they fall asleep by themselves and at a decent hour?
it you give up the nursery can you get a cleaner?
food shop online for it to arrive when your partner can unpack it

Be grateful you don’t have newborn twins, a three year old and a five year old and just gone into lockdown. With no help.
cause that was fun.

I’m sure you will be fine.

15 months between my two
no family support
no nursery
I am not going to lie and say it was easy however it wasn’t too bad
i tried to get my eldest into a decent sleep/nap routine before baby arrived
my babies are now 16&17 year olds and I look back at those early days with happy memories

Honestly though… you don’t have twins. Or triplets. It will be fine.

I had a 20 month gap and pulled first out of childcare. Then wavered and left her in a day a week. It was a mistake. They’re 6 and 8 now and I still regret not leaving her in for 3 days a week. It was so, so intense. Second baby wouldn’t sleep anywhere but on me, hated the car and the pushchair for the first year and slept terribly at night. It was really hard and really hard on my relationship. That first year is a miserable blur even now so if you can afford any childcare at all then I grew up old day do it. If baby turns out to be easy going you can pull dc1 out then.

On a brighter note, I agree with others that it’s a lovely gap as they grow older. Mine are great friends and great entertainment for each other.

20 month age gap. I felt that taking older DC out of nursery made my life easier as I didn't have to factor taking them there and back every day.

My maternity leave was lovely as I got to spend time with an older DC that could actually do a lot more (I'd gone back to work when they were 6 months so an immobile baby) so I did loads of stuff with them and the baby just had to fit round our plans.

It was exhausting but I think it would still have been exhausting with older DC in nursery as it was lack of sleep that was most of the exhausting bit. and having more money to do things was definitely a bonus!

Thank you all - some lovely (varied!) wise words and good reminders @Endofdaysarehere to chill out and remind myself that people cope with much, much more - hats off to you!

Fortunately the 1yo is generally a very good sleeper - long may it continue! - and we’re working on how to break up the mat leave with for example a summer holiday all together and so on.

I really like your attitude @sheepdogdelight and am hoping I’ll feel the same - I found many aspects of newborn mat leave last time quite dull, so am hoping that although it will be much more intense with two, it will also be more interesting being able to take the toddler to classes etc.

Toddler play groups saved me when I was at home with my first two (19 month age gap). There was a group at my parish that was free, perhaps there is something similar where you live?
Also meeting mum friends with children of similar ages. I tried to do some kind of socialising every day, it makes life much easier.
With a toddler who sleeps well you should be fine. It's not easy but it can be done, remember that one of the most important rules is to get out of the house at least once a day 😊

I had a 19 month old & a 4yo when DS2 was born. 4yo was at school initially but then lockdown hit, which my DH worked through, so I had all 3 at home. It was absolutely fine. 19m old still napped and it turned out they napped the same time as the baby in the afternoon which worked out well but mornings we just settled into a routine and it seemed to work well. DS2 is just 3 and at preschool so it will feel strange this time when DC4 is born as they will all be at school and I’ll be home with just the baby.

I would keep the older one in nursery some days if at all possible.

Mine was in 3 days a week. My tips for the days with both are:

Routine - ours was out in the morning, usually church toddler group type thing or park if nice weather, home for lunch and nap, short outing in afternoon e.g. library or just a scoot around the block. My experience is that toddlers really thrive on a routine.

Baby needs to nap on the go - sling worked best for me but pram/car if you prefer

Congratulations OP!

I have an 18 month age gap and yes it is hard. It really helps if you can get into some sort of routine/structure.

For me both kids wake at the same time. DD2 (3 months) plays whilst DD1 has breakfast. I then put on TV for DD2 whilst I put her to sleep. Once she's down, I then get DD1 dressed and ready for the day. After DD2 first nap, I get her ready and then we head out in a double buggy to get both girls to sleep around 12ish.

The afternoons are mostly spent indoors due to the short days and shit weather.

It is doable and it gets easier as your little one gets older.

If you can afford to put your eldest in nursery for the first three months, maybe 2 or 3 days a week, I would highly recommend. The fourth trimester I found to be quite challenging and I needed that time for it to be just baby and I.

Also ask your HV about homestart. A volunteer comes out once a week to help you out with kids/housework. You can do a self referral too.

18 month old then twins. Took 2 years mat leave (worked for understanding company) although I kept my oldest in child care 3 days for the 1st year. Went back to work 3 days a week, and hired a nanny for 4 days a week. Every cent I earned went on the nanny. I spent the 4th day doing food shopping and washing and generally getting organised for the next week. When the twins went to school I went 4 days.

The TV goes on for DD1 whilst I put DD2 to sleep!*

I was thinking this too;
My friend did this and they couldn't "reserve" her space so when she went back to work she then needed 2 nursery spaces and the original nursery was then full for the older child's space (they could have had the baby but she didn't want them in 2 separate nurseries) and she ended up having to drive miles out of her way (adding stress to her mornings) to a nursery with 2 spaces whereas if she'd kept her oldest son there he wouldn't have lost his space and they would have had space for the baby.

I think you need to think this thru very carefully, plus taking him out will result in a whole new resettling period again maybe somewhere new.

I didn't take my eldest out (we use a childminder) I kept it going and I'm very pleased that I did. Yes it's an expense but you need to think of the bigger picture.

Don't do anything in a rush - have a really good think about it

I suddenly remembered starting this thread and thought I'd check back in! First is now 21 months and second nearly four months.

We actually did a 180 on the childcare in the end. Kept our oldest in nursery full time for the first eight weeks (would have been closer to six but second arrived slightly early), and then went down to two full days a week.

I am SO glad we've kept the two days, even though our second is objectively a much easier baby than the first, and the cost is obviously urrgghhh. It's amazing to have those two slightly more chilled days - as well as feeling like I'm getting some one-to-one bonding time with the youngest. And I'm glad our oldest is keeping with nursery, seeing little pals etc.

To be honest, my second has made me reflect a lot more on how difficult I found things first time round and I do wonder if some PND or anxiety was at play. But so far, so good (albeit with the expected tough times!)