feel sad about toddlers reaction to new baby

[mychristmasmeltdown]

baby is 4 days old. toddler is 21 months and is lovely with her 90% of the time but will suddenly swipe at her and claw at her face out of nowhere. it happens so fast that i struggle to stop her everytime and baby has a couple of cuts/scratches on her face which i feel awful about (and gutted as didn’t think toddler would do this).

mostly though i’m gutted because she is acting totally different around me. wont come for a cuddle. has stopped asking for breastfeeds, doesn’t say mammy much at all, etc. just isn’t interested. if i put baby down and ask for a hug etc she just refuses. is this just a phase? i feel like i’ve had one baby and lost my first :/

It’s jyst a phase, big changes have happened & your toddlers is reacting to those changes. It will settle after a while

You have two babies. Your oldest baby is still a baby. She doesn't understand or want mummy to have another baby. She'll get used to it and come to love him soon. I have a similar age gap between my two oldest (they're teenagers now!) and the first few months were hard for dd, but she was my number one special helper who had lots of very important jobs to help me. And once she could make him laugh everything changed - he just worshiped her and she liked being adored by him. Her name was his first word.

You're all still settling into a big change. It will all be alright in a little time. X

Have you tried getting her really involved? Like getting the wipes and changing mat ready for you etc?

yeah and she does get involved which is lovely but for example she’ll come and help with the nappy and if baby starts crying during the change she’ll stroke her hair and kiss her head etc etc, being so sweet and then something just switches and she claws her face out of nowhere

really upsetting me because i don’t want to have to tell her off when this week will be overwhelming enough for her but obviously i can’t just let it slide

Aw I remember this well.

My dc1 used to bite the baby. Her precious newborn nose had bite marks :( I was devastated and cried a lot.

Honestly, it's a phase, your first is also a baby with no greater ability to manage impulse or emotion than they had last month. It will get better!

I would just distract as much as possible and if you have family or visitors, get them to fuss dc1 as their main focus. Try to make a bit of the day just for you 2 - bathtime maybe, where it's only you as the caregiver and you have a bit of time where someone else 100% takes the newborn away for 15 mins.

It will all slowly fit into place. Mine are teens now and laugh when I tell them about the Ricky early days. They've grown up in each other's pockets, always been together and love each other dearly!

My cousins son was like this. But I think expecting a baby (which your oldest is) to be lovely all the time is unrealistic.

Your oldest still has poor emotional and impulse control. Like all children their age. Their life has completely changed and it’s only been 4 days.

Your oldest has gone from being your focus, to part of your focus. Newborns need a lot of time, but that does mean there’s less for the oldest and it takes them a while.

I think we can often get caught up with the image we see of toddler siblings completely in love with the new baby and accepting all the changes with ease. That’s rarely happens. It’s something we see snippets of on Social media and TV. In between all these picture/video perfect snippets, there’s normal life. You are living normal life.

The oldest is great 90% of the time. That’s pretty good.

I think this probably comes from some old survivalist mentality deep down, we are after all animals and she now has to contend with another for food and protection. It will just be a phase and outgrow it but you were a little nieve to think there would be no sibling rivalry. In terms of breastfeeding it is likely she doesn't want to as your milk has changed, she may well come back to it in a few weeks.

I think this is completely predictable with a breastfed toddler, to be honest. She's been replaced as the baby and she's angry at you and the new baby.

The most important thing for me to learn when I had two that young was that the toddler actually needed me more than the baby did. Make sure baby is fed and clean and then put in the Moses basket in the corner and give your toddler some proper dedicated attention, and try to do that every few hours or so.

People often compare bringing a new baby home to a man bringing home a new wife. Your eldest used to be your one and only, suddenly there's a new kid in town and she's supposed to adore her?

Allow your toddler to have hurt, mixed up feelings and anger. Obviously do what you can to stop scratching but see things from your toddler's point of view and don't approach it with a 'why don't you love her' mentality.

I have the same age gap. Ds1 completely ignored me for the first week after ds2 came home from hospital. Didn't come near me or acknowledge me or baby st all.
It's a huge change, but they get used to it.

Here with you in solidarity with a 2 weeks old and a nearly 2 year old.
We've seen an increase in tantrums - but are picking our battles in regards to what we are challenging - direct impact on safety - yes. Anything else let it slide for now!
We supervise every interaction, closely!

Using our support network to ensure the toddler has lots of love and attention! Visitors are coming to see the baby, but they all are making a fuss and playing with the toddler too!
Grandparents have been like gold dust - just making sure they have time dedicated to them!

Tons of positive praise, even for the smallest thing!

Also they hated me too, wouldn't talk to me when I came back from hospitals no cuddles.
Divide and concur - DH is in charge or toddler, I am the baby. They've come round a bit now, will ask for cuddles etc, but the majority of stuff they are going to DH (it has been really tough for him! As we all know they are demanding at this age!)

I've had a fair bit of mum guilt - feeling like we've turned their little world upside down!

But it's all a phase and will continue to get better!

Congratulations on the new arrival, and friendly waves and hugs to the new big sister. Such a lot of changes and excitement in the last four days ,Christmas , new baby, tired mummy ……….. I am not surprised the toddler is finding life confusing atm. Take things slowly, relationships build they don’t come as a flat pack. You have all got to get used to each other, and for a toddler with still limited speaking skills , not to mention poor ability to control and understand emotions it’s all a bit overwhelming. All you can do is keep a sharp eye out for potential activity, while at the same time encouraging all the gentle loving behaviour you want to develop. It will happen.

Being lovely with the baby 90% of the time sounds pretty good tbh!

Yes, this is perfectly normal and will change as the baby develops and the toddler gets used to her being around.

I don't want to offer unsolicited advice, but the best thing I did when the oldest poked/threw toys at/scratched the youngest was to ignore the behaviour and focus on the hurt. So say to the baby 'oh, dear, DD knows how to be gentle and kind though sometimes she forgets' type thing. DD learnt very quickly that hitting the baby only got the baby more attention and stopped doing it.

Combined with lots of positive attention for DD when she wasn't doing this of course.

Just messaging in solidarity OP. My LO is two and our new baby is a few weeks old. I cried so much the first night home because my toddler refused to even look at me. I was so unreasonably angry with DH for ‘stealing’ my role of favourite parent too (birth hormones are a bitch!).

In my (limited) experience, it gets better. He still has moments where I think he hates me and more tantrums than usual, but he is back cuddling with me and wanting me to play with him. Yours will start to warm back up to you too. It’s just such a big change for them and they don’t have the capacity to regulate their emotions yet. Hang in there .

I have a 6 week old and a just-turned-2yo so in a similar position. I just go overboard with praising any kind behaviour from the toddler towards the baby and make a big deal of talking about how the 2yo is such a good big sister, so kind and gentle etc. On the occasions where she's not so gentle I obviously move the baby out of danger and comfort him, but try to ignore the 2yo. Then she sees that hurting him only results in him getting more attention, not her. A bit later I'll sometimes talk to her about what she did, why it's wrong and maybe help her apologise. I try not to make a big deal of it though, she's only capable of so much verbally and emotionally.

As others have said it's a huge adjustment for her and for you and v early days so go easy on yourself and on her! Congratulations on your new baby too 😊