Strained relationship with 5 year old.

[LDA123]

I don’t know where to start really. Feel like my relationship with my 5 year old is quite strained and I struggle with her behaviour. I know her behaviour is a reflection of my parenting which makes me even more upset. For example, over the last couple of days - yesterday my older daughter had a friend sleeping over. DD5 wanted to join in but DD9 wanted to do her own thing in her room with her friend, which I think is fair enough. Lots of tantrums from DD5 but I did my best to distract her - baking, playing together, watched a Christmas movie together etc. Bedtime was a nightmare as she was screaming and running off insisting she also sleep with DD9. Eventually, we read books and she slept in my bed. Today I’d booked a Panto as a surprise (a treat for them that I probably couldn’t really afford) and she just kept screaming saying she isn’t going and doesn’t want to go. When it was time to go, she ran off and then eventually we were late (not helped my traffic/parking issues). She really seemed to enjoy show and all was fine in theatre. Afterwards, we had to walk back to car and she was chasing her sister, running off etc. When we got to a busy road, I asked for her hand but she ran off screaming she wasn’t holding my hand. Eventually I just took hold of her hand and we crossed the road, the whole time her trying to get away and stamping on my feet. She doesn’t think anything of screaming at me. I feel so upset by all this, I cried on the way home (I don’t think they noticed) and had 30 mins alone in my room to sob when we got home.

I just feel so sad, things were never like this with my other children (I have 4). I wonder if because she doesn’t get enough 1 on 1 time. I’m a single parent now so life is pretty busy. I don’t have any family in the area but do have friends. I never like to intrude on people though as all my friends have their own families.

I’m just at a loss about how to deal with things. I try to keep calm but inevitably I end up losing my cool - especially with her running around by the busy road for example.

I’ve read lots and lots of books about positive praise, ignoring bad behaviour, praising good behaviour etc. I do try. I guess I often feel stressed when they’re not listening to me and I’m having to repeat myself etc. I need to find a way to deal with those stressful moments.

Do you think our relationship can be saved? I used to be confident that I was a good parent but now I really don’t think I am. I love them with all my heart and just want to be a good parent but right now I feel like I’m failing miserably.

Sorry it’s long.

I don't think it's a case of 'saving your relationship'. I think you just have a headstrong child who is pushing boundaries and has learned how to yank your chain.

Christmas is always tough, everyone is tired, rushed, normally stressed and out of routine. Take it a day at a time and try not to take it to heart.

Yes maybe, Christmas is a busy time. I do feel weary and struggling to shake a cold. Just everything seems such a constant battle with her.

What consequences does she have for the not-so-nice behaviour?

Some kids respond to positive praise. Others need consequences.
Adding in that she could be tired and overwhelmed at this time of year.
What helped with mine was:
Establishing expectations before when we went out - you are going to hold my hand when we cross roads. And reminding of this just before crossing. Or just take her hand. See which one causes less fuss.
Do you have a child lock on the car doors? As a consequence of her behavior she now needs to hold your hand all the time when walking after a car journey. This is for her safety and also a consequence of her behavior today. If she tantrums that’s fine. You stop and wait, or ignore it as you walk along.
Believe in your authority as her Mum.
After a couple of weeks if her behaviors improve then explain she must hold your hand when crossing the road but not when walking along. If there is no running away then this can continue.
If she won’t comply with holding hands there is always reins. Just calmly explain that if she is behaving like a baby then that’s ok but then she will be treated like a baby.
And she should apologize when she hurts you. Or lose something of value for a short period.
Re the wanting to be with her sister and friend it’s totally understandable that your DD would want to be with her. But you were right. Maybe less distraction next time? Sometimes life isn’t totally fair but that’s they way it is.
You sound like a kind, loving and involved mother. It’s important to praise yourself. And not try to compensate because you feel guilty. Your children love you and only know they life they have. It’s ok. You are providing a good life for them.

I suspect she is worn out from school, this term is hard on some kids as there is so much excitement and so many unusual activities. Then you are trying to get everything ready for Christmas and she is over excited about it all. It will probably be easier form Boxing Day when she has new toys to occupy her and all the stress/ build up is over.

I don’t know really - not wanting to hold my hand, I just took it and insisted she did (as was a busy road). When she was screaming about not sleeping with her sister, I suppose no consequences other than trying to get her to calm down and look forward to snuggling up in my bed and reading books. When she screams at me, I normally say something along the lines of “I don’t like it when you talk to me like that”. When she saw I was a bit upset I said I was feeling a bit sad. I explained that it makes me feel sad when she screams at me and stamps on my feet. She apologised.

Maybe I’m not very good at knowing what “consequence” to give. I don’t want to punish as such. It’s been a tough year in many ways. Wondering if when she is rude to me, I should take myself for a 5 min timeout!

Agree with what you say. I definitely used to manage expectations with my older children and try to plan ahead. I suppose maybe as she is the youngest and all the others are older (and easier!) now perhaps I just expect her to follow suit and forget she is only 5. Big difference from a teenager. Maybe I am being a bit OTT and was just a bad day (or 2). Just me and the kids alone for Christmas so a little nervous but equally looking forward to a (hopefully) stress free time. Maybe I’m buckling under the pressure of Christmas!