Like the idea of another DC but not pregnancy or newborn?

[Namechangescared]

I always wanted 3DC for ages until I feel pregnant with my first and suffered horrible HG. Never gained any weight in pregnancy and honestly I hated it. I also dislike the newborn stage the sleep deprivation.

I had a second pregnancy which ended in a TFMR as the HG was so bad by body had started to fail (heart / liver issues)

We have been talking about more DC but honestly I cant stand the idea of pregnancy or the new born stage. I think I want to say no more kids but it also breaks my heart. We have spoken to alot of doctors but there isn’t much they can do to stop it. We can have a care plan but I was on a lot drugs last time and nothing helped.

I get jealous of pregnant friends when they seem to have a more normal pregnancies. I have a deep horrible feeling when someone announces they are pregnant / it hurts my heart.

But that doesn’t change the fact I’m now so scared of pregnancy and potentially dying.

maybe it is time to accept my DC and not have any more? The current climate with cost of living is another reason. Just concerned I will regret it when I’m older and can’t have any more kids.

Adopt?

Why do you want more kids? You already have two, what are the advantages of having more? Maybe make a list of pros and cons to help (pretty certain there are more cons!)

@closingscore , please reread the OP and ask for your post to be deleted.

@SkinnyFatte i wouldn’t mind adopting but my DH has said it’s a no go for him so I have to accept that. He isn’t keen on other people’s children and so I don’t think he would bond the same with a non biological child.

Thanks @Footle i wasn’t specific on the number of live births I guess it’s an easy mistake and no offence taken from @closingscore dont worry about deleting anything. We have all been there.

What stops me wanting 3 is that I find it hard to split my time in two already (I do work full time too) but getting time to play play doh with one and read with the other, brining another child with different age needs into the mix would mean the other two get even less of me and I just don't want that.

On a pro and con list, the con list is a lot longer but a heart vs head situation which doesn’t help. Logically we should have no more kids after what happened. We tried and it didn’t work out, maybe we shouldn’t roll the due again. My DC deserves a mother and if it came down to an another DC or leaving my DH and DC alone…it’s no brainer.

I think I have decided no more pregnancies or children. If anyone has advice on how to move past this stage / grieve / come to terms with the number of children you thought you would vs the actual number that would be great

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through, it sounds like it's been a difficult and scary journey. When faced with life changing decisions I find it helps to actively grieve the future you won't have (e g. If you choose not to have another child). Make space for the sadness, I find this really helps with eventually accepting a hard decision.

@Endlesslaundry123 this make sense, maybe I do need time to grieve and accept for my body it’s just not possible. That’s ok, I’m different from other people. I need to focus on my
little family the positives I do have and maybe book a holiday

I'm kind of the opposite. I'd love to be pregnant again and have the newborn stage but feel I wouldn't be able to cope with another child.
I think a lot of woman feel sad they won't have another child without going through all that you've been through. I know I feel envious when friends say they're pregnant. It does sound like it isn't an option for you given your past experience and I'm so sorry for that.
I try to look at all the positives from not having an extra child. We will be able to take more holidays and do more activities, our careers are less affected etc etc.
Hope you can find some peace with it.

If you already had a TFMR due to severe HG then I think you already know you have to accept having only one child.

@MintyFreshOne i don’t think you meant this as rude but it didn’t come across as pleasant. I don’t have to accept it as each HG pregnancy is different and sometimes better / sometimes worse. There’s nothing wrong with anyone holding onto hope that they could have another wanted child.

There are pros to just having one and a lot of the cons are very exaggerated. It could be the right thing for your family.

Sorry you had to go through such a heartbreaking experience OP.

Pregnancy is hard. I loved the newborn stage with DS but pregnancy truly sucks. I have second baby due next month and I'm more excited about not being pregnant anymore as I am about meeting baby.

I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make ❤️

I didn’t mean to be rude, but my understanding was that risk of HG recurring is really quite high in subsequent pregnancies.

There’s online support groups for those with onlies and wished for more, perhaps posting there could give you a better perspective on this?

*or I should say, another perspective.

I am going through something similar right now. Not the same but some similar emotions. I have decided to let go the embryos I have in the freezer from ivf. I’m 41, have a 1 and a 4 year old and the last few years of it all has been really gruelling and basically destroyed my career. Our house is too small and we don’t have enough money to responsibly do it again without seriously taking away from what we can give to our existing children in terms of time, attention, space etc.
But, like you, I’ve know all of this logically for ages but still couldn’t quite let go of the idea. I’d have loved a third but it’s just not the right thing for us. I can’t say exactly how I accepted it but about a week ago I just woke up knowing we wouldn’t go for another and felt an enormous sense of relief. I talked about it with just a very small number of people and even though no one explicitly said their opinion, through talking I could see that it was obviously better to focus on the happiness I have. I suppose this thread is a way for you to hopefully do that too.
I can’t tell you if another pregnancy is the right thing for you, but I can share that after mulling it over for a long time, when I did finally know, I felt relieved and excited for the future. I think that there is definitely an element of grieving like a precious poster said, and I think the talking was my way of working through that.
I hope clarity and peace come for you too.

@AutumnVibes that’s amazing and I hope I can reach that place too! I just want the mental head space back as I think about it daily if not more. Thanks for writing that out in such detail and it really does help that one day I might be able to move past this and feel content.

I’m glad it was helpful. Maybe you writing this thread is the start of you being able to find the answers you need and start the new year looking forward. Merry Christmas :)