Disturbing thoughts

[shilohsmum]

I’m 13 weeks PP; since birth on and off I’ve felt really hormonal, almost as much as when I was pregnant. Maybe the below is more psychological, maybe hormones too, I'm not sure.

I get overly worried about something happening to my baby and get violent disturbing images in my head of something awful happening to him- like he's being dropped on the floor or worse.

To be clear, it's not in any way that I have the urge to act on this (and PND was ruled out by a psychiatrist when I was at the height of baby blues) - much the opposite - I'm just anxious something will happen to him.

Also v worried he needs me when I'm not there. Don't feel great about him being passed around to his grandparents (my parents in law). Only just about trust he's ok with his dad on his own who is a brilliant dad. I just want him back in my arms.

I'm breastfeeding and a FTM. Not had my period yet. Not sure if it's related. Can anyone else relate?

Hello, I didn’t want to read and run. I think these sort of intrusive thoughts are quite common, and natures way of making sure you take super good care of your baby.
I clearly remember being in a Tesco car park and having a vivid Vision of the pram rolling away and a car running it over. Friends said the same when I spoke about it.

what I would say is, if they are so frequent that they are affecting your day to day life or ability to do things then you need to see your gp or mention to health visitor etc

congratulations on your baby.

I had awful intrusive thoughts of dropping the baby, then throwing the baby onto the kitchen floor and her head... I won't go into detail. I couldn't even hold her in the kitchen because of it. They passed, but I didn't cope well and wish I had sought some help.

Since having kids any time I see a potential hazard I often get a horrible image flash up like if I see a cliff I’ll momentarily imagine the worst!!

I think it is normal especially when your baby is so little, it’s literally your job to protect baby from everything in the world! But as someone else said if it affects daily life maybe get it checked could be post partum anxiety.

Yes, I'm sorry, this is a common symptom of postnatal ocd, and may need medication. It should resolve over time without it, but is horrible and the treatments are safe and proven. I had it and a number of regular posters did too.

The one thing people here will never think is that there is a risk of you acting on intrusive thoughts. It's the reverse - your brain is presenting you with these images because you are so focused on keeping your baby safe.

I found reading books by someone called Lily Bailey very helpful. She has lived with lifelong severe OCD and it helped me to understand the process my mind was taking me through. There is also a PMDD association and other helplines who can provide information.

Distressing intrusive thoughts like this are common -
they are horrid -
but it’s because you value your baby and want to protect them so much that these odd thoughts can be so vivid / abhorrent
just notice them, they are just thoughts x

Thanks so much - it's reassuring to hear it seems to be quite common. Does anyone else have this strong urge to take the baby back from others? I can't stand him being passed around like a puppet...

I had this and it’s apparently very common, even without postnatal depression or anxiety. I couldn’t carry the baby up and down stairs for a while as I had such intrusive thoughts about dropping her! My sister says she used to have them about walking along with the buggy and it suddenly falling until the road. It’s fine to discuss this with your GP/HV, but it might help even just talking to other new or recent mums about it too.

You’ll be surprised at how many new mothers experience this. It feels like a mad Darwinian drive to keep the baby safe - just think of it as something that is part of our animal instincts! It’s an evolutionary instinct kicking in to make you protect the baby, even though the actual experience of it isn’t very nice or comfortable to go through.

I still get intrusive thoughts now and my DS is nearly 4, dont ever recall having them before him. Ive done all sorts in my head, dropped him down the stairs, dropped a dumbbell on his head, hes even fallen off a catamaran 🙈🙈 I think its very common when you love something so much you don't want anything to happen to them. They are awful though

I could’ve written this OP. I also feel the same about hating others holding him especially certain people. I wasn’t too bad when my own family members held him but with DPs family nooope I hated it. I’m not sure if that’s because I hold a lot of resentment towards them for their behaviour or if it was simply me wanting my baby back

all I will say is it is 100000% NATURAL and NORMAL to want your baby in your arms. Do not feel pressured to pass your baby around regardless of who the other people are. You are the mother and your feelings are more important than anyone else’s. You don’t have anxiety or depression for wanting to keep your own baby close to you, it’s biologically normal.

my little boy is 15 months old and even now I love having him close to me. Obviously not in the same way as a tiny baby because he’s on the move now, but if we’re round someone’s house or if people are at ours, I stay in the room with him.

Thanks so much - sounds like you can really relate to my situ! If you're back at work, how's that been for you? I am sooo anxious about leaving him with a childminder/nursery.

I had all of those and more...I had a few days where I didn't want to go out with my baby because I was too scared of going down the stairs with him. They became less intense as the time went by and as he became less vulnerable. He is now 9 months old and I rarely get those disturbing thoughts and images. I am still hyper vigilant a lot of the times though but able to keep myself within reason for a change.
I would get all the help available for your own comfort, the GP and HV should be able to guide you. I personally found joining a maternal mental health group to speak to other mums very soothing. Very hard but all completely normal and there is help out there to make it easier.

Yes, I agree with pp. It seems quite normal for a lot of mum’s. I used to get anxious when DH took DD out, he had to keep me updated if he was going to be late and once I had to fight the urge to text him and say “bring her back now”.

It has passed now, I still worry but I’m not a nervous wreck.

I didn’t like mine passed around either, but I just said leave her if she’s sleeping please. I also don’t have a big family- so it wasn’t too bad.

I had awful, intrusive thoughts when my baby was small too. It is not at all unusual and will pass.

DSis hid all the knives in the kitchen for a while in case a stranger came to the door to hurt the baby

I had intrusive thoughts with my first baby, and now pregnant with number 2 I'm already having them, but mainly about my first born. It wasn't me doing anything hurtful, it was more what PP have said about the pram rolling into the road, what would I do if there was a fire or someone attacked us.
I also suffered with anxiety when away from baby. E.g. partner would take him out for a short walk, and I would worry where they were and if everything was OK.
Try to keep talking to your care provider and friends, or MN. I think it is common as others have said.

With my PFB I hated my baby being passed around. For some reason my MIL would always walk away with them and it would make me anxious. I also had the thoughts you describe. What you’re experiencing sounds like an extreme version of normal post baby feelings.

Just want to thank everyone for coming back - I really appreciate your thoughtful messages x

I have had intrusive thoughts since I was a child, as an adult I take antidepressants (citalopram) and an anxiety med which helps these.

I've always thought silly things like opening car door on motorway and falling out, throwing myself off tall escalators (the kind in big shopping centres), when holding my friends baby I had awful visions of dropping him on his head on her tiled floor. It's awful and makes you feel like you're going mad!

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and I'm worried I'm going to end up with what you've described, worsened by hormones as I suffer anyway.

I have no advice but I am following for any tips or tricks.

Sending love OP x

Oh my goodness I'm so glad to hear all of these!!! I had these horrible thoughts about standing on my baby's head by accident when he was lying on the floor or when DH was driving the car on the motorway, i had the urge to pull the steering wheel. Absolutely HORRIBLE! I never told anyone about them because I was scared of what people would think and suffered in silence. DS is 5mo now and I don't have them anymore. Keep talking to people (don't be like me) and they will pass x

I had intrusive thoughts, diagnosed with post natal anxiety! Once I had spoken with GP he said very normal for some and as long as I wasn't acting on anything it would get better! Which it did! However i do find if I'm feeling particularly stressed they can creep back in and DD is 3 in a few days!
I can be hard and exhausting, my worst was waking multiple times in the night every night scrambling around in the bed sheets looking for her! She never co slept and was never in our bed 🤷‍♀️

I had this a lot when my daughter was born, it’s really horrible. I remember walking my daughter in the pram and passing a dog off the leash all of a sudden I could see it in my mind. The dog jumping up and grabbing her from her pram and mauling her to death 😵‍💫. At night it would replay In my head as I tried to sleep. After chatting to friends I found out it was pretty common. I definitely didn’t have any PND or OCD or anything like that but the intrusive thoughts went away after the first year or so.

Just to say, post natal anxiety is a thing that is often overlooked (even by psychiatrists) as everyone just focuses on PND or PP psychotic disorders.

Not saying you have this, as others have said intrusive thoughts are completely normal, but is encourage you to look at self referral to talking therapies if it is getting too much or affecting your daily life and preventing you from doing things you would like to do.

Doing some grounding techniques can help (loads of free info on getselfhelp.com) and best to practice when calm! As it can then allow you to rationalise the thoughts.