Worried about stressed 3yo DS...

[lippyblue20]

My DS has always been a bit of a handful, he has phases where he really plays up and other phases where he's a joy to be around. He's very bright, but generally a bit late at meeting milestones. E.g potty training is going slow. The nursery and anyone he deals with have never indicated he has any issues.

In the last few months he's been getting slowly worse behaviour wise, and it's got to the point DH and I are nervous of 10 days off with him at Xmas. He moans ALL THE TIME, and dispute our efforts to give him lots of attention, play, make him laugh, get out the house, stay in and watch TV he likes, snacks, dinners he likes etc he is rarely happy.

He is moving up to the bigger room at nursery soon, and I'm concerned DH and I have made a big deal out of it (saying he'll be a big boy soon that needs to use the potty) that he's become very stressed about it. He doesn't like change and he takes after me in that respect. I'm also pregnant which I think he's excited about but possibly adding to his stress?

I'm really concerned about him, he almost seems depressed he's so unhappy, and he's only 3!! I too suffer with depression so I worry I've passed it onto him and he has a lifetime of it ahead..

Is this a phase or is he stressed? Is it possible for 3 year olds to feel this way? Has anyone else had a bad phase like this?

To me, from what you’ve written, he sounds like a pretty normal 3 year old. When there is bad behaviour, are there consequences? Could be pushing the boundaries

He does sound stressed. I have a 9 year old son with Autistic Spectrum Disorder and ADHD, and since the age of 3 he’s shown a lot of stress. I’ve learned to recognise what could be triggers and minimise them. It’s basically doing a risk assessment of every future activity so we can manage it, and that does seem to help. I’ve spent a long time studying his behaviour patterns and what sets him off and realised he’s a naturally anxious person, because he never really feels in control of his environment.
Potty training, hair cuts, new activities, things that might be loud, new teacher, anything slightly out of the ordinary and he stresses about it so much. Talking really does help, not putting any pressure and allowing him to control what happens, and when, as much as possible really helps.

A 3yo who is neurotypical will spend most of their time living on the moment. They won't be thinking about the future and trying to make them do so e.g. talking about being a big boy needing to use the potty is putting your adult thought processes onto him. You mention you have depression - be very careful of projecting your feelings onto him. There are only two possibilities regarding potty training: either he will be able to do it before school, in which case why bother worrying, or he can't, in which case what good will worrying do? So essentially for him there is little point talking about it. Your job is to try, and identify the point at which medical advice is needed.

3yo children do moan. They are in a phase where they are exercising their independence, they want to grow.

The things I thing could help you are:
-Do nursery think he is unhappy? Find out whether they see any difference between him and their expectations
-Read up on modern, scientific understanding of child development and try to view his behaviour through that prism rather than through your prism of worrying about a future life of adult depression (which is itself quite a depressing outlook!)
-Try to learn techniques to deal with his 3yo moaning and then move on to the next thing -Live in the moment with him.

Becoming a sibling is a difficult thing. But also a completely normal thing. Again there is wide ranging advice a available on managing this, so read up on how to support him.

Be careful not to project, but do keep an open mind as you observe. No one here can tell if he is NT or ND.

Finally, you talk a lot about him being 'happy'. The opposite of depressed is not happy and aiming for 'happy' is a known contributor to depression. I'd also suggest you might also read up on toxic positivity and be wary of putting him under pressure to be 'happy'. A toddler having a tantrum or crying about not wanting to wear shoes is not unhappy - they are developing.

Does he like play dough, water play, finger painting? Sensory activities are great at helping young children to de-stress.