Supporting my teen through divorce

[ambriel2506]

So here's my situation.
Been married for 16 years, together for 20. DD almost 13. Thought we were a happy stable family.
Husbands decided very suddenly he's unhappy (literally no pre warning, arguments anything), has feelings for a younger woman and is leaving. He works away all week, so came back Friday, announced this and has now gone again. Yep, great time of year for it too!

He was so certain, that we had to tell DD, who is heartbroken understandably.
Here's my question, has anyone got a teen through this mentally strong and untraumatised?
I've tried to reassure her we both love her, that we will keep her life as close to normal as possible, and that she can talk to me about anything.
I've not said anything negative about him, and she doesn't know about other woman, just that he's unhappy and needs to go.

But she isn't a big talker. She's very intelligent, and emotionally intelligent, but doesn't open up.

She now doesn't want to leave the house, and I get how she feels. But I want to help her in any way I can.

Any tips, advice or support would be appreciated.

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear of this OP. That must be a really tricky and upsetting situation to be dealing with especially at this time of year...no doubt you are still in shock and your teen too will be.
You sound like you are saying and doing all the right things. It's still very early days... I think for me, let them process it, be open with her, let her feel all the emotions and be able to express them to you no matter how it affects you. Continue with love and support and reassure constantly that she's loved by both parents still.
My experience of managing 3 DS through teens and divorce is all of the above, but also realising they all have different ways of dealing with it... some get angry, or withdraw or denial etC... all valid just try and ride the wave... they'll come to terms with it in time and life will resume... xx
Sending you strength and support

At 11 my parents got divorced (16 years married, 20 together, weird!) and my oldest sister was 13. She’s actually just started therapy (20 years later!!!) to unpick her feelings. And actually a lot of what she’s going through I can relate to, it does seem to have affected us very similarly. So I’ll just share what I can about what affected us…

My parents made a lot of sly comments about how the other one was shit. Unpicked each other’s parenting a lot. Tried to constantly insinuate they were the better parent who was dealing with things better and putting in more effort. I honestly think they were so sly about it that we didn’t even realise what they were doing until we’ve unpicked some comments now. It’s especially telling considering how minor some of the comments were that we can recite them all this time later. The big angry arguments have paled into insignificance. It’s those little comments that have left a lasting impression.

We were shielded and lied to about most of the details. We don’t fully know now whose fault it was. They probably thought they were doing the right thing, but it left it very tricky to process. Even now. The official line is still that there was no other man, but my (now) step dad was in my mums life way too quickly for that to be true.

We weren’t treated very age appropriately. Either babied or given too many treats to appease us (I guess?) like being allowed to stay up late or make decisions that weren’t ours to be made.

I’ll see if I can think of anything else. That may or may not help. To be honest I don’t think we are traumatised by it. But my parents didn’t know how to handle things. They tried to follow the standard key items and I don’t think got it right. My sisters seems to have held on to a lot more than I have, although I concede some of it has shaped my personality.

The best thing you can probably do is just be honest with her and the rest will follow. If you’re heartbroken, tell her you’re heartbroken. I mean, maybe don’t sit sobbing to power ballads with a bottle of wine in front of her, but knowing her mum is also sad and is a human with actual feelings isn’t a bad thing!

I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your DD. What a wanker to do it the week before Christmas too! Good luck.

Thank you both so much, this has actually reassured me (and the power ballads made me laugh).
I am not a hater, and would not wish to badmouth him, he's still her dad. So I hope I can just be there for her and show her whatever she feels it's OK.
Thank you for your kindness.