Friends distancing themselves

[objectivebread]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and ever since I got further into my pregnancy the invitations to hang out have dwindled, I have two circles of friends, my gaming friends who are into board games, D&D, pc gaming and low key chilled film nights and my close group of female friends who I have known since I was 15, (I'm nearly 28) they like to drink still, go out out, and obviously I cannot do this, I recently married my husband, we have been together a total of 12 years, so we felt it was time. We are at a different stage in our lives to the female group, they are very much seemingly growing apart.

I confronted them and they were offended I would even suggest or imply they are distancing themselves, but they are. I gave examples and they deny everything and say they are excited for my baby shower in April (believe me I am not, I would rather really not have one! but thats a different story)

Should I let these girls drift away?

Why can’t you go out and not drink? Have you suggested other activities and meet up?

Can you arrange a get together?

Confronted them about what?

they aren’t obliged to like you or to want to hang out with you

@Wanderingoff Wow, cheers for that one. Ouch.

@upfucked They are not interested if alcohol isn't involved unfortunately

You can go out and not drink?

If going out drinking is their thing, are you expecting them to change their meetups to suit you? Because you can still go out and not drink. If you don't want to, that's fine, but they shouldn't give up something they enjoy just because you're no longer into it.

You don't have to let them drift away. But you can accept you're probably not going to see as much of them for a bit. This will probably change again in a year or two. Longstanding friendships are worth holding onto if you can.

Yes but you’re still allowed to go to places where they serve alcohol. Have you been trying down offers of nights out?

@Bronnau I assume that longstanding friends would want to see me, but I guess not

@upfucked I don't get invited

OP this does tend to happen a bit at your life stage when someone has a baby. You are the first of your group and when the baby comes you will feel your life is really now quite different to theirs and your priorities have shifted. It usually all comes back together when another from the group also has a baby.
They don’t need to distance themselves but as the pregnancy goes on I can see why would wouldn’t want to be clubbing etc around a load of drunk people. Not sure why the other group would be distancing themselves? Are they still inviting you to play games etc with them?

Arrange a night out or whatever you do with them yourself. Make it clear there will be alcohol for the drinkers.

Then if you need to go home early/retire quietly sneak away.

OP, I don't think Wanderingoff was suggesting that you aren't likeable (as they obviously don't know you and you're just a stranger on the Internet to them) - the point is that no-one owes you their time or friendship, and people do drift apart in life for various reasons, which is totally normal.

It's not like a marriage contract where you would need to have a formal dissolution to a friendship - sometimes they just fizzle out, especially when someone gets married or has a baby or moves away, etc.

You will obviously make new connections through your baby (NCT classes, toddler groups, school gates, etc) and you may or may not end up staying in touch with your old friends.

You don't have to decide now whether to "officially" drop them or not - just concentrate on the relationships that make you happy and play it by ear.

If you are 'confronting' grown women about how and with whom they spend their free time, they may have decided they don't need the drama.

@kingtamponthefurred you misunderstand me, I simply asked them if they want to continue this friendship

I still went out out with my friends when I was pregnant. Why do you have to stop? I wouldn’t stay out until 3, mainly because nursing a single g&t and lots of soft drinks gets boring after a while, but there’s no reason why you can’t still go? Being pregnant doesn’t mean you need to sit at home, draped in maribou, knitting.

@Herejustforthisone I don't know what to say, really. It's just not happening, and no one is organising anything

Maybe they don't want the drama? I wouldn't be happy if I was confronted like that either. It's Christmas maybe they are busy with their own families.

Sadly this does happen when your at a different stage to everyone else, you'll make new friends.

Maybe just reach out to them on an individual basis and catch up 1:1 - for a winter walk or coffee or something? Maybe because you’re the first to be pregnant they are unnecessarily weird about drinking around you. I don’t really like drinking around sober people, except certain friends who I know truly will not judge anything I say. As PPs have said, friendships change with babies but then can get stronger again when someone else has a baby too. Maybe just keep the friendship simmering along by doing individual catch ups or suggesting a movie or show to see, a yoga/Pilates class to go to, a winter walk with hot choc/mulled wine etc, fun activities that don’t require booze.