Underlying feelings towards 3yo

[Mamabear04]

Over the past few months DD has turned into a complete threenager (she turned 3yo last month). I've been trying so hard but I just feel like I loose my temper all the time and really struggle with her behaviour. I think it's just normal 3yo behaviour, she's just being a child but she's figured out that shouting and screaming really get to me. When she was a baby she had reflux and cried all the time. It was really hard and it was quite traumatising especially when we went into lockdown and had no one to give me or DH a break. The crying sometimes would last all day and all night too. I realise she was in pain and it was horrible for her but now that she is older and more cognitive (as much as a 3yo can be) I am finding her deliberate shouting and screaming very triggering. I hate that I feel angry towards her and it seems to me I have underlying feelings towards her still lingering from when she was a baby. How do I break the cycle and stop feeling like this? I fear its going to effect our relationship if I can't change how I feel towards her.

My LO turned 3 in September. We didn’t have the terrible twos so when she turned into a threenager it was a shock but the awful behaviour only lasted for a few weeks.

I ignored in most parts then hugged and discussed the behaviour afterwards. I also coped by popping out as much as possible and retreating upstairs for long periods in an evening.

I think you need to understand that at three years old it's not a deliberate choice to scream/shout. She's overwhelmed/feeling big emotions and can't control them yet. No one chooses anger or frustration or upset or jealousy as an emotion because it feels horrible. She's no more control now than she did when she suffered with reflux.

Try and get as much space for yourself as possible. Scream into a pillow. Remember it will pass. Focus on working to give her the skills to cope with these big emotions. Make sure you're doing what you can to keep her on an even keel (good routine, warnings of upcoming events, good sleep, good food, minimal screen time, cognitively engaged, exercise and fresh air).

If your child screaming is triggering you i.e. causing panic attacks/ flashbacks / physical symptoms then you then that is pretty serious and suggests that you have ptsd. If that is the case then you should contact your gp and/or refer yourself to your local mental health services to help you to work through the trauma and make sure your reactions to your child's screaming are managable and you can keep both of you safe.

OP

Ignore/walk away when she's screaming.
Getting less of a reaction will make it less interesting for her.

Also, can you please get childcare for even a tiny bit, to give yourself a break?

Yeh I know what you mean op. It is hard. We have a threenager too and he says things look Ike "don't speak, mummy".
I say that is not nice and he just says it again. I try to give him a consequence like turning cartoons off.
But yeh it's super wearing and I did scream at him one day I completely lost it with yes another struggle into warm clothes in -4deg whilst he wanted to wear no pants and the thinnest trousers known to man. It's hard.

I agree about ignoring, not looking or walking away from the screams.

I disagree with a pp that they don't understand about the screaming. They definitely do

I understand what you mean about the triggering feeling from early baby days. Mine had colic, and for years afterwards crying babies, or babies in general made me feel very panicky and I'd do anything to quiet down my own DS who had had colic.
What I had to do was tell myself different stories about his early days. And to really work to change my own feelings. I still struggle occasionally but in general I'm much better. I often thought about getting therapy, but I didn't get around to it.
Others will probably give good advice on the 3 year old behaviour but I just wanted to say you're not alone in those feelings.

Try speaking quietly to her, saw this suggestion on mumsnet and it worked ok for us. I think you have to keep front and centre all the time that she’s just 3. DD has actually started improving since she turned 3 (2-3 was just awful) and I really struggled with the tantrums etc. I had to keep reminding myself about where she was in terms of executive function and emotional regulation.

I do think at 3 they do understand, we are working on Dd at the moment on the dramatics if she drops something etc, we just keep repeating “we don’t need to shout we can ask calmly”. Key thing is to try to model calm (feels bloody impossible most of the time). Controlled calmness, I had to force myself to do this when Dd was 2 and it damn near killed me to keep a neutral or empathetic face while keeping my tone pleasant and calm whilst enforcing boundaries around behaviour. it’s especially important when you are dealing with behaviour that you find to be a trigger. I found it to be a positive feedback loop, the calmer I was, the calmer she became. She’s still a handful but nothing near what she was like 6 months ago.

I just want to say well done for having insight into your own reactions, you are already a step ahead of many of us. I had to keep reminding myself it wasn’t Dd, it was my inability to regulate myself in those situations.