When will I have time for myself again?

[Helena1993]

If ever. Just a couple hours. Baby still wakes often at night so I can't do anything. I just go to bed once she sleeps so I at least won't be a zombie the next day.

What utter bollocks. Difficult decisions? What to be a selfish parent who ignores their upset baby? No thanks. That’s not difficult OR in the child’s best interests.

Im far from “a young mum” but I can assure you that leaving your baby to cry doesn’t teach them anything except that their caregiver is unreliable and their needs are not worth being met.

@Helena1993 Don’t ignore your baby- do as you’re doing now and you’ll begin to get some time in their 2nd year and more reliably their 3rd I’d say.

It varies so much - but personally, from about 5 months we had a good bedtime routine going on so I had those evening hours back and from about 7 or 8 months DS also had a decent 2 hour nap so I’d have that break every afternoon.

School, nursery? I’m a lone parent so never get time to myself not even when they are at school as one is at home

By around a year, DD1 was reliably enough asleep by 7ish so I had my evenings free.

DD2 is 6mo and EBF but I've had three evenings out with friends and a couple of trips to hairdressers without her. And sometimes DH just takes both kids so I can have some time to myself!

Is baby's dad on the scene?

Thanks. I don't completely agree with the sleep training though. It's not necessarily selfish to sleep train. You can only be a good mother if the sleep deprivation isn't completely destroying you and you can't bond with your baby.

Some babies wake every 2 hours even at 6+ months and it's difficult to stay sane.
The main problem still is: does sleep training teach to self soothe or does it cause the baby to stop crying (learned helplessness). Until science answers that question, people will never be on the same page.

But I don't think it's okay to judge people who do sleep training.

He is. And he's finally more involved with everything...

Give it 18 years?

When my son stopped breastfeeding around 14 months I was able in the evenings to go to a yoga class or sound bath. At weekends I was able to go to an exercise class or have a massage etc. He has additional needs so still has the support needs of a baby however husband has him when he finishes work so I can go and do something for myself.

Good lord some of these answers are depressing! It helps if you have family to help but if not, carve out an evening or a few hours on a weekend morning when you hand baby to your partner and go see your friends or do something nice for you. I got consistent evenings back from 2ish, eventually they start going to hobbies and parties where you just leave them. What a struggling new mum needs to hear isn’t “no free time until they leave home” 🙄

At least they say 18.i lived with my parents until 25. But joke aside. Yes. It's very depressing.

Are you a single parent?

I have 2 hours to myself a day without fail. I’m a SAHM who exclusively breastfeeds.

If I want to do anything with my friends I just make sure baby is fed and off I go.

For my sanity I put my youngest in nursery one day a week when she turned 1 (at the time Iwas a SAHM). My older DC was on half days at preschool, so I had a morning 1:1 with him then 3 precious hours to myself.

Things got easier at about 2.5, when both kids slept well enough I didn't need an early night, so got a few hours on an evening. It got easier again once funded nursery hours kick in, especially as DH & I managed to arrange our hours around each other, so we don't need all the hours to cover work time, and can manage some free time each when the kids are both at either school or nursery.

I move and don't have friends here 🙁 I feel isolated. I'll go to a baby class soon. Hopefully I find someone nice there

I think some of these are answers are on the extreme end of things. My baby is 7 months and I have at least one or two nights a week where I go see friends. I've also had countless meals out, trips to gigs, cinema and comedy shows as well as overnight stays. I'm lucky I have a supportive partner and family but even so we would have friends to help out. Having a baby doesn't meal life stops or you need to martyr yourself to your children. Having a healthy balance of time to myself helps me appreciate my child more.

We're also lucky our baby is generally a good sleeper and we had our evenings back pretty early on and when his sleep did go bad at around 5 months, we got help from our community nursery nurse in regards to this. Could this be an option for you?

If you have a partner there's no reason why you shouldn't have time to yourself. From the very beginning I got at least an hour to myself every day, increasing to nights out and weekends away once I stopped breastfeeding.

There's a lot of competitive martyrdom on MN, and a lot of women who chose shit fathers for their children, and they'll tell you that having kids means you never get time for yourself ever again. IMO that's only true if you roll over and let it happen.

Thanks. You and the previous poster have a point. I need to integrate her in my life more and make sure my husband gives me some time to do stuff every now and then.

It's important for your husband to have that time with his child. I see it as doing him a favour 😆

We have 3 DCs - 5, 3, 18mo. I’ve always had 1-2 evenings out a week with friends or colleagues since the DCs were around 5 months old and we sleep trained.

Ahh I remember this feeling OP. Especially with my first, it felt like it would never end.

I have twins so for me routine really helped so I could have my chill time when they nap. It’s actually hard to remember but I got more of a routine when they were 7ish months. I’d keep an eye on awake windows and they’d always nap in the pram. I’ve never ever left any of my babies to cry (intentionally) and it’s all worked out fine by the time they turn 1. With my eldest though I cuddled her on the sofa for naps and that worked out fine too! My husband and I are very 50/50 because we have to be so that definitely helps and I think it’s very important to protect your mental health as a new Mum. So you really do need to communicate if you are feeling burned out.

They are 16 months now and I get a two hour break while they nap (in cots) in the daytime, and they go to bed at 6.30 so we do get the evenings too. When my 4 year old is home of course there’s no break but things are so much easier as they get older. She’s my little best friend!

Being a new Mum is by far the biggest challenge and adjustment and it really does take time. I’ve never liked leaving my babies but now they are a little older I like to go away every now and then too which is nice.

I didn't see how old your baby is, but your husband should be perfectly capable of looking after her for a couple of hours while you have a bath / go for a walk / go to a class. Not just now and then but at least weekly. It helped me to have a class to go to once a week (yoga in my case). I went when pregnant and was going regularly again by 6 months.

My son was an awful sleeper until about 14 months. Up several times a night, tossing and turning, often screaming crying. And then one day it just changed and now he sleeps a solid 12 hours most nights, maybe one quick wake up to cuddle back into me.

It completely depends on the child. Hopefully yours will be similar and one day something will just click and she’ll be sleeping through!

It’s not though, you need to teach them to talk, walk, etc and also sleep. You vaccinate which causes short term pain, but long term gain.

You are a young mum in term of experience or you wouldn’t have posted this

All your posts are so so helpful!!!
My baby is 7 months old. And she suddenly started sleeping better at night. Only wakes once or twice and sometimes not at all (thank goodness!!!!!!)
So that means I have 2 hours in the evening and when I sleep I actually get my 8 hours of sleep. Maybe with one interruption.

I'm also on a very reliable nap schedule. I put her in her bed every 2 hours and get a little me time. I miss going outside though with my friends. But my friends don't live here so I'm pretty much alone all the time.

My husband is finally pulling his weight and taking the baby for an hour sometimes after work and on days off. If I had friends... lol.... I would be able to go somewhere.

My first didn't sleep through kept creeping in until he was 6 and still doesn't sleep through now( he's now 10) I wish I slept trained him. my two other dc I did the cry it out method firstly just putting down for nap at 6months (with my first I'd spend hours trying to rock him to sleep and with any movement he would wake) then 8months I did it at night. Its the best thing I've ever done and I'd highly recommend it took both of them one night for them to sleep through/self sooth. Only thing is when they are sick I have to repeat the process. Well my dc2 is 2.5 now and she hadn't needed to cry it out for over a year. It isn't nice seeing them cry but my dc3 only whines for a bit and goes back to sleep so he's so easy. My daughter cried for 1hr the first time but next night slept through.

With both my kids I started getting an hour or two in the evening from about 4 months. They were both decent sleepers by then so I could put baby down by 8pm then stay up til 9-10pm.

Before DD2 was born DH and I would alternate who was on baby duty so on my off-nights I'd get from 7pm til 10:30 pm. Bliss!! But DD2 came along when DD1 was 20 months and put a stop to that! Now we both have a bed time to do every night.