Really really worried about 11 year old DD

[YouFilthyAnimal]

I’m wondering if anyone could maybe help me make sense of what is happening with Dd

She started high school in September and has basically had a complete personality transplant and I have no idea what’s going on

Shes had a few friendship issues with one particular girl but that seems to have smoothed out now and she has a couple of good friends at school, they’ve been to the house etc, one in particular calls it her second home but I have heard from this friend that there is also issues with another girl which Dd didn’t tell me about

She has also pretty much stopped eating
Isn’t eating her lunches at all at school, won’t eat breakfast so is only really eating one meal a day, but will go to the shops and buy shite which I’ve had to ban her from
This may not be a big deal to some but Dd is diabetic so she really can’t just not eat for 20+ hours at a time
She also chews a lot of chewing gum, which again I’ve had to tell her to stop in case it’s part of the reason she won’t eat

Now the newest thing is she’s stopped brushing her teeth, every day I look at her brush and it’s dry and I say ‘have you brushed your teeth’ and she says she has and she dries it after, I just know it’s a lie, her teeth are filthy
Last night I took her toothbrush into my room and on the way out the door I said have you brushed your teeth which she said yes to and I knew it was a lie as her brush was in my room, I had to stand over her to get her to do it while she screamed at me the entire time

In and amongst this she has been absolutely vile
The way she speaks to people is absolutely shocking, so so so rude and disrespectful
She screams and shouts at everyone for the smallest things, a sticking point for her seems to be noises, if someone is making a noise that she deems annoying (particularly her older brother) she will absolutely scream at the top of her lungs at them, she calls names, slams doors, this morning with the tooth brushing debacle she kicked off and was kicking the bath and has broke the panel

I am at a loss
Ive tried to speak to her a 100 times it’s like getting blood out of a stone, I’ve called the school, they have no concerns apparently and aren’t seeing any of this behaviour
But there is 100% something going on
She is unrecognisable from the girl she was, she was always so happy go lucky, so popular, so funny, just so easy to be around, I don’t know what has caused this drastic change and I don’t know how to help her

Anyone got any ideas??

bullying or depression perhaps?

does she have social media on her phone? If so do you check it?

High school is a massive transition. I’m sure my mum would have posted something similar about me when I started high school. Not the exact same issues but I remember feeling so overwhelmed with everything.

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, it’s really tough but if she’s OK at school it sounds as if it all comes out at home. I think you’re doing the right thing with the teeth, the eating is harder.

This sounds really tough, I am having some similar issues with my 12 year old DD. Battling a tiny breakfast into her, she's not eating at all in school. Eating junk in the evening to make up the calories.

I've started therapy with her, we also went to the GP. I decided she needed to understand this behaviour was not normal and was damaging her.

Can you afford counselling for your DD?

My first thought was bullying too, but school keep saying there’s no evidence of it, they’ve been watching her a little more closely etc and she does seem to have friends, when she’s in a good mood she comes out of school with stories of ‘omg me and x were in maths today and xyz happened’ etc

I do check her phone, nothing to report really, and tbf to her when she was having issues with a new friend she was very good at coming to me and showing me messages and sending me screenshots
The only social media she has is Instagram which she doesn’t really use, she doesn’t post or anything and again I haven’t seen anything untoward on there

Oh sorry that was a response to @TeenDivided

Ah thank you @Climbingsteepsteps & @DuckoffXnas it is such a relief to hear this isn’t completely out of the ordinary! We didn’t have anything like this when DS started high school, but then his transition was a little more gradual due to covid
Overwhelmed definitely is a good way to describe it, she refused to go to school a few weeks ago, just sobbed in the car and wouldn’t get out so I had to bring her home, and all I could get out of her was that she was ‘stressed’ and school is ‘stressful’ but I couldn’t get further than that

So sorry to hear you’re going through similar @DuckoffXnas
We can’t really afford therapy but there are definitely things we could cut back on if needed to afford it, have you found it’s helping your Dd?

@YouFilthyAnimal

With my DD (see previous message) the behaviour change was triggered by unkind comments from 'friends'

So she's had two sessions so far and she definitely appreciates going and having a safe space to offload. It has helped her eating and to untangle some feelings. It's definitely not uncommon for kids to express their anger or frustration through food.

Time to have some fun with his chats thrown in. Take her out, ask her why she's not cleaning her teeth. I'd address the eating later. Does she get counseling as part of the diabetic care? My niece is diabetic she had a hard time in Y7. She did get counselling, through the diabetes service. It could be depression as my son loses his appetite when he's stressed. It's not anorexia, he just doesn't want to eat. I remember being like that in my second year of uni and having to force myself to eat even though it made me feel sick to eat. I knew I had to eat because I was already very thin but I just really didn't want to. I was 19 so a lot more grown up than you DD. I also had massive mood swings. I think it was possibly the pill. Or just stress of massive changes. Has your DD started periods?

Definitely depressed (ref lack of tooth brushing). Hormonal changes at 11 notwithstanding, the not eating is really adding to her low spirits and bad moods (I had eating disorders too). Please get her to a sympathetic doctor/therapist asap since I have read that nipping EDs in the bud is the answer.

I wish I’d had a caring mum like you since I didn’t nip anything in the bud, and only really overcame my disordered eating last year (I am mid 50s now, it really is THAT BAD, and honestly I still have some food anxiety even now). Don’t let your DD be like me.

In first instance, I’d look at the BEAT website for their advice, you may be able to speak to someone there. Treading very carefully but purposefully at the start is the answer. You need expert support for her.

It is so hard what you as a loving mum are going through, since she is indeed being vile. But this gives you an insight into how dreadful she feels (not eating is painful and it hurts, and I felt unhappy almost permanently, yet I couldn’t stop).

She needs your continued love and support and patience, even if (particularly if) she acts out. The new school has most certainly triggered this, and im sure you’ve identified the issue in your post (the other girl, who is probably making her life hard in some way). Dieting is a way to fit in when you don’t feel that you do.

Raise your concerns with school again, esp re the not eating. Any counselling at her school that she could tap into? If still no support, then keep opening doors, starting with BEAT. Also, having a fun hobby or internet that puts some joy back into her life would have been great for me at that age. If you can think of something she’d love that might help - for me, it might have been something in the open, like horse riding, or with pets etc. very best of luck!

I had some difficulties with a DD at a similar age - it turned out another girl was manipulating her to do and say what she wanted by threatening suicide. So bizarre - no way I could have imagined this! All seemed well between them on the surface. So there may be something going on with a friend that you simply could not imagine. I was gobsmacked.

Her skipping meals will impact her mood, particularly with diabetes, low blood sugar can cause real personality change, sounds like she’s got into a really negative cycle and she’s not looking after herself. I wonder if school could give her time with their ELSA? The eating and personal hygiene really need to be addressed. I’d be monitoring and enforcing teeth and breakfast and giving space for heart to heart discussions, she obviously doesn’t want to discuss things with you, she might not know what the issue is herself, but keep communicating and letting her know you are doing x because y and that you’re listening to her. Good luck, sounds very difficult.

At diabetes clinic is there a clinical psychologist? At our local hospital whilst clinic is running, parents and or children/teenagers can have a chat with the psychologist. The mood swings might be linked to diabetes management

It might be related to the diabetes. DS has diabetes and won't inject or eat at school, largely as school refuses to make provision for him and expects him to hoik up his shirt and inject in front of 300 kids in the dining hall.

But, because he's not eating it means his blood glucose isn't managed, and this has a huge impact on his behaviour. It varies from person to person, but a high blood glucose (BG) makes him angry and extremely unreasonable (but my diabetic friend is the opposite and gets super angry with a low BG). Is your DD on a CGM? Can you track how she behaves to whether she's high or low?

Either way, my son's diabetic team were very clear that going long periods without food is not sustainable for a diabetic. And, if your DD then eats lots of sugary foods, that will also unbalance her BG - she'll spike her glucose and likely then have a big low.

She probably feels awful. I know DS does when he's not eating, but the problem is he can't make the connection between how he feels and his BG - he becomes completely irrational. That bit is not actually his fault - it's medical - but the not eating bit is within his control. So frustrating.

It's really hard, being diabetic at secondary school, bless them.

Well what consequences are you giving her for lying? For breaking stuff? For screaming?

The sound thing could be misophonia which I have and if I am stressed or tired it's a million times worse. Especially when DH heats fucking cereal.

However, I would be looking at her phone, giving her some consequences, maybe "Santa's watching" might do the trick for now!

Just to say, if her behaviour is caused by her blood glucose management (or lack thereof), punishing her is not appropriate. A diabetic can't control their behaviour when they are hyper- or hypo- glycemic. If she's not eating then she may well be in a near-perpetual state of one or both (based on DS's and my own experience of type 1 diabetes).

This is something most people don't 'get' unless they have direct experience of this nasty disease (and why would they): if someone with type 1 diabetes is 'acting out' it needs to be addressed as a medical issue first, behavioural issue second. My DS is a right little shit when he is hyper but he can't control it. BUT I know when he is or is not hyper as he wears a continuous glucose monitor, which sends his glucose readings to my phone every 3 minutes: if he's a little shit when his glucose levels are stable THEN we punish :)

Thank you all so much, I was going to reply individually but there is a lot of responses so I will just generally answer some points

I did wonder if the not eating was linked to her diabetes, she’s supposed to go to the medical room before lunch to scan and inject herself, she just doesn’t go, which is a point I’ve raised with school more than once as no one seems to be saying ‘hmm she hasn’t been today I’ll go check she’s had her meds’
I’ve asked her over and over if she doesn’t like going because it’s different or it makes her late to find her friends or something else because we can change the plan, or we can get her an insulin pump so she doesn’t have to inject etc etc, but I get no’s or shrugs or I don’t know to everything I ask
Interestingly though she is very rarely ever low, if anything she runs a bit high so she’s clearly eating somewhere and lying when asked

We don’t see a psychologist at her diabetic appointments, I didn’t even know that was an option tbh I am going to ask at the next one, it’s just after Xmas so not long

I don’t tend to really punish her for acting out tbh, I just think she is clearly so upset or stressed about something so I want to become a source of stress for her too? I want to keep the door open and let her know she can talk to me if and when she’s ready and be that safe space in a stressful time, not be a source of conflict and her not have anywhere to turn
Tgis may not be the right approach but I just want to scoop her up and make it all better for her atm I don’t want to tell her off

I am going to get back on to school today and ask them if there’s someone she can talk to, they have a really good SEN provision there so I’m sure they will, that’s a really good suggestion thank you

@Lampot i just wanted to thank you so much for your lovely post, it made me cry! I’m so sorry you’ve had so many struggles for so long 💐
I’m definitely taking your advice on board, going to look at that website right now and getting her into a new hobby is top of my list for January, she’s really artistic and actually quite talented, I’m going to see if I can find some kind of art class or club or something she can join
Thank you again

I think you are right to identify that she probably isn't eating because she doesn't want to have to go to the medical room and then be in the school canteen without a friend. She is probably starving. School, you and her really need to come up with a solution to this with the support of your DSN. For example could she miss the first few minutes of afternoon registration to inject after her lunch - I know that's not ideal but at least it would mean that she doesn't have to be separated from her friends at lunch and that her form tutor could nudge her if s/he sees that she's at registration without having gone to the nurse first. Schools don't like to support children with type one at secondary, but clearing it's not working for her and she is making herself stressed and hungry. Hopefully you are giving her lots of praise for what she is doing right with her type one? If she's only running a little bit on the high side then she is doing extremely well for a child of that age. I really wouldn't ban the buying crap from the shop either. She's starving, she doesn't want to feel like a freak who can't eat crisps and sweets (she can). Agree that you should also be approaching the DSN to refer to your clinic's psychologist if they have one, or to CAHMs if they don't.

None of what you have written is very unusual unfortunately. It's mostly hormonal but some young people are more affected, more extreme than others. The fact she is diabetic is the worrying factor here, wanting to eat junk is something I remember doing myself and mostly they grow out of it once the novelty wears off.

Speak to her diabetes team about support aimed at her age now, they should have either individual or group support. Pushing boundaries at this age in diabetics is common.

The hygiene, well again not uncommon, yes possibility of mental health but also just as likely her pushing boundaries which the other behaviours indicate. Plenty of young people are a nightmare as younger teens then grow into well adjusted adults!

I remember my friend in her teens dating a boy who had really bad mood swings and it turned out to be poorly controlled diabetes. Other symptoms I remember were drinking excessive amounts of sugary drinks and exhaustion. Once he got that under control he was like a different person.
Teen girls really want to fit in with their peers and anything that makes them stand out feels incredibly stressful. Going into the canteen alone and not having anyone to hang around with at break would potentially be horrendous for a year 7 and alleviating that associated anxiety would probably trump managing her diabetes. I agree with PP about getting help to make the school day work for her regarding eating properly, monitoring and injecting and see if that makes a difference.

I think there’s too much to unpick here. Can you get her referred back to her diabetes clinicians for review?

my concern would be an eating disorder- the teeth cleaning could be if she doesn’t like eating with dirty teeth it could be helping her avoid food. Same with chewing gum- more food avoidance techniques?

the diabetes obviously clouds the issue as she could be avoiding food in order to avoid having to do sugars and inject at school. But again it’s not unusual for diabetics to have eating disorders as well- if they can’t control their diabetes, they can control food.

I’d be looking at help sooner rather than later I think, even it is a diabetes review to start, as that’s likely to be most accessible for you…

I agree trying to get some psychology input from the diabetes team would be helpful.

Starting Secondary school is a time when children with a physical health condition have to start taking more responsibility for its management (going to the office to scan/inject) and also a time when they start to feel the unfairness of having all this extra responsibility that they can never get out of.

I wonder if not eating at school is because your DD feels overwhelmed by the stress and/or frustrated that she has to think about this while her friends can eat whatever/ whenever they like.
So she is just avoiding everything to do with food and school - and also eating junk at home o because she wants to be like her friends?

It's not easy being a nearly teenage girl at the best of times, but your DD has a lot extra to carry. Even if she has been physically able to manage her diabetes care in a supportive environment for some time, she may only now be feeling the emotional impact of being "different" from her peers.

Could you raise it as a concern with her diabetes team before her January appointment - that way perhaps they can help her to come up with a plan / offer more support at her January appointment, without having to wait longer?

ds stopped going to medical room at that age too. He found being diabetic hard around new friends and wouldn’t take insulin etc with lunch as would hold people up or mean he got left behind. Def get a pump so much better and some now will automatically correct basal. The alarms do get annoying though. I could follow his blood sugar on an app and if it went too far out of range for too long I would ring school and they would send someone into class to ‘remind’ him. I think you need (maybe with counsellor) to get her to agree if she isn’t going to go to medical room then she has to take better care of it herself otherwise staff will intervene. In year 7 ds had registration every morning and afternoon with form tutor and they agreed to remind him to check his blood sugar level at those times - he had libre and pump so just case of scanning. Maybe the hospital or school could facilitate her speaking to older pupils who have pumps. The new tech does make managing diabetes so much easier.