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2 year old tantrum in Asda - help me

40 replies

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 14/12/2022 18:10

DS just turned 2 and we have definitely reached terrible 2's, one thing I just can't/ don't know how to deal with is when I am in a supermarket, he will see some kind of toy (never take him down the toy aisle he usually finds one or something along the way) and has an utter meltdown when I have to leave the toy, move away. I mean on the floor hysterical screaming no pick him up he hits me in the face, I put him down he has a meltdown lays on the floor screaming it usually ends in me abandoning the shop walking out with him in my arms him trying to hit me in the face, him screaming the place down and it's just utterly exhausting, I'm in the process of separating from DH and I'm just running on nothing and it's really testing me, please please please help I am at my wits end I have no way of going without him and just some / any advice Sad

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RunLolaRun102 · 16/12/2022 11:28

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 14/12/2022 18:10

DS just turned 2 and we have definitely reached terrible 2's, one thing I just can't/ don't know how to deal with is when I am in a supermarket, he will see some kind of toy (never take him down the toy aisle he usually finds one or something along the way) and has an utter meltdown when I have to leave the toy, move away. I mean on the floor hysterical screaming no pick him up he hits me in the face, I put him down he has a meltdown lays on the floor screaming it usually ends in me abandoning the shop walking out with him in my arms him trying to hit me in the face, him screaming the place down and it's just utterly exhausting, I'm in the process of separating from DH and I'm just running on nothing and it's really testing me, please please please help I am at my wits end I have no way of going without him and just some / any advice Sad

DS was exactly the same at that age, so I put him rear facing in his pushchair with his fav toys and stayed in the food / bakery aisles. I think his tantrums were about him getting overwhelmed by everything on display - as soon as he could focus on me or something else they disappeared. Now he’s 3 I usually let him either push the trolley or carry / drag a basket - it helps him take his mind off the other stuff. But probably a good idea to budget for a small treat or two each trip.

BertieBotts · 16/12/2022 12:34

Bless you it's so hard. It's not always possible to just avoid the toy aisle either as they really want that pester power sale so put things everywhere at children's eye height.

What I found helpful at that age was setting up for success whenever possible.

So online shop or go without him if you can. (You might want to check if you're eligible for a nursery place?) When you can't, shorter more frequent trips are easier than long infrequent ones. Take a list so that you are not frazzled trying to make decisions about what to buy while managing him. Consider ordering long life stuff (tins, packets) on amazon or similar so that it is only fresh food you need to buy. And if possible, smaller supermarkets with less choice are easier than massive ones you have to walk all around. I know sometimes those types of supermarket cost more - something like Aldi if you have one can be great in that case.

Two year olds are still in the chaos nugget so I would not want him wandering around as this is just impossible IME, I get so stressed. Keeping him contained is key. Bribery is not a sin. Take a buggy (and buy an amount that fits in a basket, you can often rest on handles) or bribe him to sit in trolley with a snack or a toy or a phone (shock horror! Whatever you need to get by is FINE.) or just talking to him - whatever works. I also let mine sit in the actual main part of the trolley if they want to and won't climb out - ignore random judgy faces. The trolleys sit outside in a car park, toddler shoes are no dirtier than this , nor the warehouse where all the stock is kept.

Pick a time of day when he is not tired and has already had a chance to be active and have some attention from you. Playing a game while you walk to the supermarket is great. Make sure he's had something to eat in the previous hour or two. Children find it harder to behave well when they are tired, hungry, or craving attention or have excess energy. Also, dress him warmly as the supermarket can be cold, but if you've walked there/back in the cold, let him take his coat off or he'll be too hot.

Choose an inexpensive item that he can choose as a treat, e.g. small drink or sweet or bakery item for the way home, or something you'd buy anyway but let him have a choice like type of cereal, yoghurt, etc. When he wants toys, remind him that he can choose a [drink/yoghurt/cake/etc] when you get to that aisle. You can also tie this to good behaviour if you like (I don't - because IME, it is harder to come back from if you'd got to the point of taking it away, whereas if it's unconditional you can keep using it as a reminder or distraction)

A different way to do this is to let your child earn rewards and when the reward chart is full, then they can choose a treat, but not every time. When DS1 was about 2 (or possibly 3) this worked brilliantly as he was always wanting a comic and I couldn't afford them every time. I would give him "stars" for good behaviour randomly and when it got to 5, which would be about once every 1-2 weeks, he was allowed to choose a comic. When we were in the shop I'd remind him "How many stars do you have?" and he would be able to say oh, 2. And would stop asking for it, because he knew he could get one another time.

Or if you have a set routine you could say we get a [inexpensive treat] on Fridays but today is Wednesday.

Whichever way you choose to do it, remind him of your expectations before you enter the shop. So let him know: We are buying food, but no toys today. Or Today, you can choose a cake if you're good. Or it's Friday, so it's book day. You can choose a book today but not toys.

Remember to praise him when he does behave well in the supermarket. Sometimes we are so frazzled that we forget, but that means they get more attention from negative behaviour which is not what you want because it reinforces that behaviour is the one that works. If you often find you forget to praise (it happens!!) make a list of your current top 5 problem behaviours, then write down next to them what the opposite/what your expected behaviour is, and be specific.

So for instance:
Misbehaving in the supermarket
= Sitting calmly in the trolley, listening to directions, not whining for toys.

Writing out this list helps you recognise when good behaviour is happening so you can notice it and comment. Even if he misbehaves for half of the trip, comment and praise and notice the OTHER half when he is doing well.

In response to I physically cannot get him into the trolly he's too big and fights it - I get what you mean because trolleys are fiddly posting their legs through, and even my 1yo can easily climb out when he's had enough - but just in case, reading this article from Janet Lansbury helped me a lot:

www.janetlansbury.com/2012/09/respectful-parenting-is-not-permissive-parenting/

In particular, the line "You say your boy is strong, but you are stronger, aren't you?" I often felt out of control and defeated when DS1 was little, especially between the ages of 3 and 5. He was strong. But I was stronger, even though in the moment I didn't feel it. Reminding myself "I am the adult here, I am stronger than a two year old" helps me out of that defeated mindset and helps me not overreact to the emotional stuff that the article talks about, which is what was really happening - he wasn't actually overpowering me, I was just feeling guilty about upsetting him.

123woop · 16/12/2022 12:46

Lots of suggestions for click and collect etc but this isn't helping - it's just kicking the ball along the road! He's got to learn that there's a way to behave in the shop and that tantrums aren't allowed. How is his communication? Can you talk to him (post meltdown!) and say that it's ok to want the toy but it's not ok to scream and shout and hit mummy? We had this with my daughter (also 2) for a while but we had a conversation with her and she then understood that that behaviour wasn't ok, especially when out and about and it was dangerous.

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123woop · 16/12/2022 12:46

Also never give in! And try not to make a big deal of it (difficult though it is at the time)

TheShellBeach · 16/12/2022 12:48

Put him in the trolley seat with reins attached so he can't move and ignore him completely.
He shouldn't be able to run round the shop.

Truthseeker456 · 16/12/2022 12:49

My daughter doesn't come out of the trolley. I have snacks on stand by it seems to work

BertieBotts · 16/12/2022 12:53

Oh, or, if you can coincide shopping trip with nap time and he will nap in the buggy - this works really well too!

For requests for toys, saying that you'll add it to his Christmas/birthday ideas list (take a photo if he wants) is also a helpful tip.

BertieBotts · 16/12/2022 12:59

123woop · 16/12/2022 12:46

Lots of suggestions for click and collect etc but this isn't helping - it's just kicking the ball along the road! He's got to learn that there's a way to behave in the shop and that tantrums aren't allowed. How is his communication? Can you talk to him (post meltdown!) and say that it's ok to want the toy but it's not ok to scream and shout and hit mummy? We had this with my daughter (also 2) for a while but we had a conversation with her and she then understood that that behaviour wasn't ok, especially when out and about and it was dangerous.

This is true, BUT, the OP/son are going through a particularly tough time with the relationship breakdown, and a 2 year old's capacity to behave for an extended period of time, listen, control impulses, manage emotions etc is also much smaller than his capacity will be at 3 or 4 or even 5 years old. So while yes, OP will still need to teach good shopping behaviour at some point, it will be easier when he is older and there is no shame in avoiding it until the worst/most difficult period is over.

DuchessDandelion · 16/12/2022 13:02

2 year olds are so utterly unreasonable :)

Would be no judgement from me.

You mentioned that you are separating, infants do pick up on things - even if it's just tensions and body language, tone of voice. I suspect he's picking up on the effects of the separation too. Give it time. Lots of love and consistency but don't give in to spoiling, everything I'm sure you're already doing.

You'll both come through it.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/12/2022 13:03

Always strapped in in a trolley and ignore the screaming and crying and avoid the toy aisle. Bribe with some food and it helps to pick a tantrumming child up with them facing outwards so they don't kick you. It'll pass.

lavenderfine · 16/12/2022 13:10

Mine used to help with the list at that age, he still does now at 4. I say right let's find the cheese, he finds it and puts it in the trolley, it takes ages but usually because he's occupied it avoids tantrums. He's also allowed 1 treat when we shop, he loves magazines so just picks one of them. If he picked up a toy at that age I'd say hmmm let's see if it's on the list. Oh no it isn't this week! Why don't you take a picture on mummy's phone so we remember to put it on your birthday/Christmas/ special treat list! All of this nonsense usually worked but if it didn't and he threw a tantrum, I'd just stand there till he calmed down, or take him out if it didn't work and he wouldn't calm. We've all been there, don't worry!

Doowop1919 · 16/12/2022 14:17

Sympathies, op! My DS is 2.5 years and we've just gone through a rough stage due to illness which came with meltdowns. How is your son's communication and understanding? I chat to my son beforehand and i tell him we're going to the shop and there will be toys there. He can have a look at them but we're not buying one today and we're not bringing one home, it's ok for him to be sad or angry about it and I'll give him a cuddle if he wants but we're not buying a toy. I know this won't work for every toddler as they're all so different but it seems to work for mine (so far anyway, works with turning off the telly too). Maybe you can try it out and see if it works.

Seasonofthewitch83 · 16/12/2022 14:49

DD has ALWAYS hated the supermarket. On a good day, I can race around like I am in supernarket sweep and shes eating. She has never fallen for the bollocks about looking at all the different products etc.

I only ever take her now if I am feeling really, really brave,

Annonnimouse · 16/12/2022 15:08

strapped into buggy or in trolley!

Beancounter1 · 16/12/2022 19:20

Just one small idea - is he too hot? If you go into the shop and he has any kind of winter suit, or even just an ordinary coat, he could be overheating. This won't be the cause of the tantrum but it will contribute to his bad mood.
You need to adjust his clothing as you go in and out of shops and cars.

If you have time, maybe avoid doing a 'big' shop which takes too long for him. Do 3 or 4 much shorter trips throughout the week, so he gets used to shops and you are in and out quicker.

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