Funeral

[Ittakesavineyard]

Hi all, I’m wondering if I should take my children to my Nan’s funeral.

7(just), 4 and 1.

I don’t have any childcare for them on the day. The older two would be at school but I wouldn’t be back in time to pick them up as it’s a 2 hour journey and my 4yo wouldn’t go home with a friend. Obviously 1 year old would be with me.

I didn’t take them to my grandads because they were 3 and 1 at the time. I feel like my 7yo would want to be there and would feel like she was missing out if she didn’t go, but she’s incredibly upset and it might make that worse. Or she might find comfort in seeing all of the family that loved my Nan like she did around her.

I don’t overly agree with protecting children from death, it’s a part of life.. but it’s hard.

I thought I could sit at the front with her and my DH at the back with the younger 2 so he could nip them out if needed as they are likely to cause a distraction.

I don’t really know what other option I have. Any thoughts would be great.

I wouldn’t take mine. They are genuinely distressing and not a place for kids imo.

I would say don't take them. I took my two preschool aged children with me because I had no childcare and I really wanted to be there. We obviously did the go to the loo before leaving etc and I travelled in my own car. Just before it started and the coffin was outside and about to come in, my DD said she needed a wee. There was no obvious toilet in the church and so I took her out. The church hall was locked, the wake was elsewhere. Basically by the time I got back, they were cold and fed up and complaining and I shushed them and in the end took them out (back into the cold) until the service was over.

Your kids might behave better. If you want to go for yourself, I would say leave the kids behind.

I went to my grandma's at 6 because we had to travel a long way and everyone we knew in the town of the funeral was at the funeral. It was ok but I do remember being worried by seeing my older cousins crying. I was quite stoical as a child (cry at the drop of a hat now!) so didn't cry myself but it was disconcerting for me to see others distraught and I still remember it over 30 years later.

Most other family funerals we've had, the children were brought to the wake afterwards but not to the actual funeral unless they were under 2. And that's worked well in my family as the funerals have been sad and somber but the wakes have been happy events so have been pleasant for the kids and everyone has been happy to see them.

In your situation I think I would take the baby but ask your husband to stay outside/somewhere else with the children and bring them to the after event, presuming that you're having one.

Can't they stay home with their dad?

I took a 16 month old. It was fine. I wouldn't take my nearly 3 year old though. You need them to be mostly quiet and be able to leave easily with them.

It isn't ideal, but under the circumstances it sounds as if you can't all go if your dc don't go. It's understandable that you want your dh to support you. Ask your dh to sit at the back with the dc, so that they aren't overwhelmed by the emotion at the front, and so that he can nip them out if he needs to.

Honestly I think it depends on how upset you're going to be. Both my girls attended family funerals this year and what upset them the most was seeing adults they love being distraught with grief. Not attending wasn't an option because of who passed away and them wanting to say goodbye too.

As you have a husband it may be better for him to just stay home with the children so you can attend your nan's funeral without added worry.

Sorry for you loss

Thank you everyone.

After reading your responses I contacted my Dad to see if he could help (parents divorced, this is my mums side of the family) and he is going to meet us nearby and take the children for a walk/hot chocolate and then I’ll collect them from him afterwards for the wake and he’ll go home. Which is really kind of him and I think it’s the best thing to do.

Thank you again xx