13 months between my two boy3s - I'm overwhelmed

[Aner]

I have two boys and both have just turned two and one. The work load is huge and I often feel crushed with the pressure of staying at home with them and doing the housework. I don't play with them properly or manage the house well and I never realised how angry I am. I wonder if anyone out there is in a similar situation and can help me get a grip so I can just start enjoying and appreciating my life a bit more!

My boys have exactly 2 years between them and I find it tough so I can imagine how you feel. Mine started playing together a few months ago and it got easier then. Although they fight too now... A friend had her 2 13 months apart and she said it was very tough but started to get infinitely easier as the little one got more independant.

It is tough - sometimes it's an endless round of nappies and, in my case, bottom wiping. Let the house go and get your groceries delivered if you can. DS1 started nursery (day care) at 2 for 2 days a week and I found that a real help. Do you get out to play groups or similar? Many Ball Pit type places have toddler sections and DS2 at 20 months has now ventured confidently into the Big Boy Section of ours, leaving me on the edge to drink coffee and read a magazine - bliss.

Hang on in there - it will get better. You're not alone - I constantly feel guilty that I don't play with mine enough, Ithink guilt is a big part of motherhod for everyone.

My dds are 16 months apart, dd1 - 34mns, dd2 18mns, and I have felt like you at times - almost trapped if that makes sense. It does get better - it is just they are so dependent on you at this age that I think you feel the demands the most especially as they are both still depending on you so much - I found 15/16mns was better as they started to play together a little bit.

Also at 2.5 your older child can go to playgroup - leaving you a few hours a week just with ds1.

Toddler mornings are also worth a try, as there are lots of different toys than at home, and your children will probably play with other children - leaving you time for a coffee!

The endless nappy changing also will end - my dd1 is now potty trained - so a trip to the loo is so much easier than doing the nappy.

Mealtimes get easier too - as they now eat the same meal - just cut up more for dd2 - so you are not having to prepare different things for both of them.

I work 3 days and can honestly say this has been great for me, as I have some time where I am not in the 'childcare' routine.

Housework does not go away - can you do a bit at night - or does dp get home before bedtime - then one of you could watch the kids and the other do some housework - leaving you the evening together ?

HTH

Aner - I know who you are !!! Cool name !!!

Well don't feel bad about not playing with them well cos they can play with each other.That's what is so great about a small gap if you ask me.I find that I don't really want to play with mine I'd much rather they amuse themselves I find kids games really boring and would rather do the housework or take them out any day.Of course I still have to play the odd game,it's my duty.Another thing do you have to go out to work as well?If you don't ,look on the positive side you're so lucky.I had to look after mine and go out to work in the evenings,boy was I depressed about it for a long time.I'm so glad those days are over.Another thing,are you the type of person who likes a clean and tidy house?Impossible with 2 little ones if you ask me.Chill out on the housework front and try to ignore it until the evening or go out with them instead and have fun so you don't have to look at it.Having very young ones can be stressful in itself so I do feel for you,I bet there's a wealth of support here for you.HTH.

My two are 13 months apart but now they are 15 and 16 years old!

I found the first 3 years the easiest, the last three have been the hardest with wall to wall hormones!

I was lucky, DD ws walking at 9 months, dry day and night at 15 months, so never used a double buggy and didn't really have two in nappies at the same time. They also both slept through the night from 5 weeks old. I think if you have unbroken nights you can forgive them anything and put up with everything. So I could cope with them most of the time. I also looked after another one the same age as my DS from six months old until he was 2.5 years old

I know when DS started waking up in hte night at 2.5 years it was hell as I'd not been used to it.

DD and DS were in the same room together from birth for about 5 years wehn DD started at preprep, it wasn't a problem at all and they used to play together in the mornings.

It will get easier!!

Alibubbles - do you realise how much you've made me hate you?! Out of nappies by 15months? Walking successfully before then? Sleeping through from FIVE WEEKS??? Gah!

Sorry Aloha, DD just took them her nappies off every time she wet them so I left them off. They weren't like todays nappies, peaudouce used to come down to her knees when she wet them! I think it was very similar to wearing terries. Pampers had only just been invented, my DH worked for Proctor and gamble and had to demo them in store!

DD is still today a very bright spark, she is a wonderful DD, got 5 a*'s and 4 a's at gcse this summer. people always used to say she'd been here before. She's not a swot at all, but has the best of DH and I, DS has the worst of us both. Not looking forward to his GCSE's!!

I used to worry that she had to grow up too soon having a sibling only 13 months later. I did want them 15 months apart, but we were on the 7th floor of a hotel in Paris and my cap was in the car, DD was on the bed when DS was conceived!

Aner, I just wanted to say I absolutely know how you are feeling. Believe me, you will get through it. Mine were 18 months apart, DD(elder) didn't walk until she was 19 months, going anywhere was a nightmare, but we didn't get out anyway. I ran my house as B+B when they were tiny so had to keep the house immaculate at all times. DH wasn't much of a help, he tried but just did not have the attention to detail required. I still had to be up at 7am to make 6 cooked breakfasts every morning regardless of broken sleep etc. I was almost on my knees with it all. It very nearly broke my marraige because I didn't feel DH was pulling his weight. I just remember it as misery. However, the kids are now 5 and 7, I have just had a great laugh playing cards with them and teaching them to gamble for pennies (shock, horror! actually I was really teaching them to count!) I can't offer any positive advice, other than you will get through it. In the space of lifetime, toddlerhood is very short so don't despair and come to mumsnet when it all gets on top of you. Big Hugs!

Aner, you've had great advice on here, just to add that I know how you feel.

Phew lambchop, glad someone else feels like me and glad there is light at the end of the tunnel. A personal question - how did you forgive DH for not pulling his weight? Because although I know this period will pass, I feel that I'll hold a grudge with DH because I couldn't put someone through what he is putting me through with all this wall-to-wall childcare. I'll let it fester in years to come.

Aner - try not to worry too much about the housework. I have two boys 22 months apart, and for the first two years I really struggled to keep on top of the housework - but it doesn't mean the world comes to an end - I'm sure they benefitted more from the time I spent with them, than not living in a pristine house. It also means that I feel more proud now that I can keep the house properly! It does get much easier, VERY quickly - had school application forms for my youngest yesterday - I can't believe where the time has gone.

My top tip is - make an effort and go out. I have always found my boys less hard work when we are out, than when at home, and a long walk and fresh air does wonders for me too. (You can forget about the mess at home too).

Aner - I know what you mean about the anger. People talk about feeling tired, miserable, trapped - all true. But what surprises me is how furious I can get occasionally. I have no patience whatsoever, I act as if my ds or dd are doing things deliberately to piss me off.

I have never yet lost my temper with them, but I do fling bowls across the room and mutter obscenities to myself when they're not there. Then, when I recover, I think back and wonder why on earth I was so furious over such tiny things.

I constantly resent my kids for trapping me and depriving me of my freedom. Then I think of how lovely they are and how vulnerable and dependent on me and I feel such a bad person.

Oh well, just one of the many wonderful ways we have of making ourselves feel guilty for not being perfect.

I'm new to mumsnet and nearly fell off my chair when I read these supportive and reassuring replies. I'm very grateful and it really has helped me on my perspective of things. I'm still mentally and physically exhausted (recent op on knee - so cant bend with the kids and still recovering from a slipped disc) but, I've got to hang in there so I may as well try and do it with a bit of a smile on my face! Thanks everyone..

Droile, I don't know if I have fully forgiven him. We went through a very rough patch but I think things just gradually got easier. He pulls his weight now and spends all his spare time with the kids, bike runs, bathing, homework etc. I think men are probably better at the older child than toddlers. I closed the B+B when the youngest started school and now have a super part-time job so I'm not resentful anymore. As I said it is a gradual thing, one day I realised I hadn't shouted at anyone for several days and found I was starting to have a laugh with the kids.

hi Aner, no real help here cos I'm in the same boat with dd and ds who are 25 months apart but just wanted to say I know how you feel! I've found myself feeling really resentful and miserable recently culminating in shouting at poor little dd for normal toddler stuff. DH has periods of working away and has been away most of the week for 5 out of the last 7 and my family aren't close enough to help. All I ever wanted was to stay at home with my children and yet I find myself floundering...anyway better go as ds is eating dubious bits of stuff under the table!
I've read Mumsnet for ages but never posted anything - now I've started I find myself sneaking on lots during the day for a quick peek. Is this the slippery slope?

Yes, I'm afraid it is!

Ah well - she said having sneaked on again for another peek - there are worse habits than a Mumsnet addiction!

Hi Aner, How's it going ?