Help with 4 year old’s behaviour

[Nowwhat102]

My DS is 4 years old and started school in September, he can be so lovely but also so horrid at times. With our friends children (all are babies/toddlers/preschoolers) he is so lovely and kind and gentle. With children his age or older he turns into a monster. At parents evening the teachers said how he’s kind and has lots of friends and is good at sharing which just confuses me.
Yesterday he was at a class birthday party and a few of the boys have known each other for the past two years and like to wrestle each other, they have obviously established boundaries and enjoy play fighting, my DS gets involved and always ends up making someone cry. I was constantly telling him to calm down and stop pushing and grabbing yet after a couple of minutes he upsets somebody else. They run up to him smiling and always end up cringing away with a sad face because he just acts stupid. He‘s always been very very sociable and will find someone to play with everywhere he goes but then he gets too excited and does something stupid like sit on them until they cry. He does it all with a smile on his face thinking they’re having a great time, it’s honestly bizarre. Why doesn’t he understand that he’s making everyone around him sad? It’s mortifying. He desperately wants friends but then grabs them and drags them on top of himself and then they get angry or sad that he won’t let go. He’s done the same at a hobby this evening, I volunteer and it’s very embarrassing having to peel him off other children because they’re sick of him playing wrong. I love him so much but I’m sick of leaving everywhere in shame because of his poor behaviour. At home I send him to his room until he calms down and gives me a cuddle and says sorry. I just don’t know what to do, my parents way of discipline was a smack so what’s the alternative?

Op, I didn’t want to read and run so want to share…. All behaviour is communication.

your question is ‘what is he communicating?’ Or trying to communicate?

it sounds like he is struggling to changes. Eg it starts fun, but changes to annoying or hurting, and he’s still in ‘fun’ mode.

help him to identify feelings and emotions, but words to the feelings for him to learn.

do you say at the time ‘don’t drag Toby on Top of you,?’

4 yr olds, have a lot of energy, need lots of exercise, but this term is exhausting for children as well.

get teacher to help..

have fun and play with him too

I’m going to speak to the teacher because after the past two days I’m at the end of my tether. He’s from a warm, loving, happy home with lots of toys, we play together, we read together, do his homework, he cares for pets, we have lots of lovely days out and holidays. He has a healthy diet, we meet up with friends and family, I always intervene with poor behaviour and tell him when he’s being good. I am so fed up with the rubbish behaviour in public.

This is my life. I’m a teacher too and so it’s mortifying that he’s so terribly behaved when I feel I do all the right things. I think for mine two things are going on:

1. I think he wants to be sociable but he’s slow to pick up on the social cues of others not enjoying it etc as you describe. I just do exactly what you and the second poster say, intervene and explain. I’m basically hoping it’s just a maturity thing and he’ll get the hang of it eventually.
2. I think mine has trouble managing big feelings and can’t calm himself down yet. Again, I just try to find words and encourage him to talk about it abs give consequences that are relevant rather than punishments. So last night for example I told him in the bath that if he got out and dressed sensibly he could watch something downstairs. He then mucked around so I said he couldn’t watch it because it was late and it was a calm grown up time so his silly behaviour wasn’t what we needed. I then put him to bed with a story and it was calm and living but he still had the consequence. He wept and wailed but I didn’t give in or get upset, just talked about how he could choose differently tomorrow. Very very slow progress here but I am hopeful the penny will drop eventually. It’s not wildly unusual behaviour for children, especially boys his age. The first term at school has a lot of social jostling abs negotiating and it can be very stressful for all children, especially ones like mine and yours who are very sociable but not always very good at it.

Good luck and do share if you find anything that works!