Different parenting styles

[Theunromantic]

Now that my DS is 2, I feel like the real parenting has begun. It's not just about keeping him safe, it's now about teaching new skills, encouraging them to engage in more experiences and of course, sometimes saying no to a much larger extent than before.

My DP and I work full time and our shifts can fall anywhere through from mon-sun. We probably solo parent DS an equal amount of the time. I've been really trying lately to get DS drinking from an open cup, hold my hand while walking short distances, make different meals, getting him involved in little chores and even watching some different things on telly (it used to be a case of watching something for 2 minutes and then he wanted it changing to something else). I then make sure to really praise DS for his behaviour and he seems in good spirits.

On the contrast, DP will give up getting DS to drink from an open cup if he says no, he'll just keep him in the pushchair, he'll do the same microwave ready meals every time and will spend a long time in front of the telly changing the programme at his every demand.

It's getting so difficult as I find myself trying to gently suggest to DP that we don't need to say yes to everything and keep such a rigid routine but it always comes across as criticising.

I really feel as though I've had a bit of a breakthrough with DS recently but I do often find that the work I put in to aid DSs development gets undone after a few days where I'm not sole carer.

Has anyone else experienced this? I can't imagine most parents are identical in their styles so how does everyone make this work?

He is lazy parenting, I doubt you’ll change him.

It might be worth asking DH thinks the role of a parent to be. I think it’s to help your children grow into happy, healthy functioning adults. It sounds like you’ve had a recent change of parenting style and now you and DH are on different pages.

I can see why you're a bit irritated.

In a way, your DH and your ds are mirroring each other - you want both of them to do something new, they're both happy to stay in their comfort zone a bit and need confidence to do new things.

Telling DH off for not being proactive is probably not the best approach, he'll feel like you've found the answers and want him to do things your way. You need less stick, more carrot. When you're all together, show enthusiasm and excitement about ds trying new things.

Ds simply won't accept dh doing some baby stuff forever so it will sort itself out in the end. Beware becoming the default parent who has everything sorted in their head and the father just tags along. Leave them to it, basically. Ds won't be doing the same things forever.

I read a book once about how parenting could be seen as either being a gardener or a carpenter - are you shaping a blank block, or providing the right conditions, tending here and there and basically letting nature do its thing? Especially as a first time parent, it's tempting to see it as the former but the second achieves basically the same results for much less effort!

It certainly does feel like we're coming from different places.

DP works 50-60 hour weeks whereas I only work 40 so I think I've always just accepted that I'll do the lion's share. It's upsetting that when I go to work I feel like by leaving DS with his dad, I am basically just leaving him with a babysitter.

When I posted this, it' definitely felt like a problem I wanted to tackle. Now though, I just feel so angry.

Just to add to the essay - with a baby you need to be more on the same page with number of feeds, naptimes etc. As they get older it's fine if they get different approaches from different parents/people in their life, within reason.

You can bring different things to them. Maybe you're the parent who pushes him to try new things and df is the parent who provides a more restful, comforting time. He will need stimulation and to try new things but I don't think it has to be a uniform approach to everything. Within reason, some things do need a firm line like how you behave by a road, not throwing food etc.

When I have felt this on and off when my child was little I do first think 'why is my way better?' I did tend to spend more time with our child during the day but unless my husband was doing anything dangerous or detrimental then I just moved on, and nothing stands out I can remember

Imagine if it was reversed and your husband had a go at the way you parent?

The thing is, I know it would be so much easier to just let DS have his own way and just hope he learns stuff whenever he wants to but I can see it doesn't work. I don't want to be the one who pushes everything but I feel someone has to. And honestly, yes while I spent 25 minutes trying to get him to drink from an open cup last week through lots of protest and I wondered whether it was really worth if, he did it! And now he does it more as a result.

I was chatting very briefly about it with DP last night and said 'its like brushing his teeth, he HATED it when we first started but because we both get the importance of this, we persevered and look now, how he actually kind of enjoys brushing his teeth.' DP said he agreed and because he's been coming home from work, really impressed the things I've managed to get DS doing and enjoying, I've shared the methods I've used.

Of course I'd love to just let him get things in his own time but what my DP doesn't seem to get is how much harder that makes things on the long run.

Our child had a cup with a lid for a while then one without I really didn't think it was such a deep thought thing, we never taught him how to do it he just worked it out for himself same with everything

We never specifically 'taught' anything

I understand that @WandaWonder to be honest, it wasn't something I had put loads of thought into until his nursery mentioned it to me. When I put the little open cup in front of him last week, he looked completely scared of it and needed a lot of support for a few days. I'm sure some kids just pick it up, but looking at how things have been for DS so far, I feel he just needs that extra encouragement and praise.

Your husband is babysitting and leaving the parenting to you!!

You need to be consistent with boundaries/discipline but otherwise it's not vital you mirror each other but potentially annoying for you