DD is 3yo and DS is 5mo. I thought we had come out of the rocky part of transitioning to a family of 4. DD absolutely loves DS and it's lovely to see the bond starting to develop. DD is however a covid baby and has had so much 1 on 1 attention. She's due to start nursery part time next month which I think she'll really enjoy because she is craving stimulation that I cant give her all the time with DS around. We've just got over a 3 week bout of illness. It's been really hard and I am absolutely exhausted. DD has been waking up 2-4 times a night for the past few weeks and DS sleep has gone to shit too, last night he wouldn't sleep more than an hour at a time. DH helps as much as he can but he also works full time and is exhausted too. DP look after DD 2 days a week so can't ask for more help.
I know I'm tired. I hardly ever get a break, its literally 24/7 because I'm EBF. I feel like I've been confined to the house for the past month and I'm mentally struggling because of it. DD has recently dropped her last nap and struggles in the afternoon even with quiet time. She just can't listen past 1pm and I find myself getting angrier and angrier. It's bad because it's just her being a child, things like being very noisy when I'm trying to get the baby to sleep/stay asleep, she can't focus on anything herself because she's too tired, she's up and down when watching TV and won't sit still and rest, if we do quiet activities like stickers or Colouring in she either loses interest after 10 mins or gets frustrated and has a tantrum. I dont feel I can take her out in afternoon because I don't feel confident to handle her if she's tired when I have DS as well. I hate the mum I'm being and DD seems to sense my frustration and then her behaviour gets worse, doing deliberately naughty things she knows I won't like. I try not to react but then it builds up and I explode. I don't know how to break the cycle or how to stop being like this. Can someone tell me what to do to make it better? I feel like I'm failing DD.