Are 3-4 year olds really this bitchy?

[frostyfours]

I'll preface this by saying I realise it could just be typical of this age, but I wouldn't know as it was a long time since I was nearly 4/actually 4 and DD is my first/only.

On a daily basis she comes home from preschool telling me her closest friends (2 of them, not in a group though, more both are 1:1 friends of hers) have said "you are not my best friend anymore" or "I don't want to play with you anymore". Mainly one of the girls in particular. My DD doesn't seem too fazed by this whereas I find it quite nasty.

Am I worrying about nothing? Is this just typical of kids the year before school (late 3s/early 4s)? Not a sign they will be bullies?

Also how would you manage it? I'm not exactly sure how to respond to my DD.

My 3 (almost 4) year old tells me that I'm "not his best friend anymore" every time he's mad at me for not letting him have what he wants 🤷🏼‍♀️

That’s why they call this childish behavior…seems completely normal to me.

Aren't "bitchy", no. They are 4 years old and straight talking. They don't understand social niceties or what affect their words have. Plus they don't really mean "you're not my best friend any more" they mean "not my best friend right this moment".

Yes, very common. I handle it with a 'keep away from her if she's not being kind' or a 'why don't you play with someone different tomorrow for a change' type comments.
Don't give it too much headspace or you'll be stewing while they are best friends again.

Completely normal. They are learning social dynamics. You can talk about what a good friend is etc to see the positive side. Don’t say negative things about the classmates as she may well repeat them.

It's not being bitchy. They just haven't learnt the 'Well I really must be off, lots to do....' tinkly laugh, that we use when you have had enough of someone/aren't in the mood to speak to someone etc.
3-4 year olds are brutally honest.

Thank you for the reassurance! I also get "I don't want to play with you EVER AGAIN" since she's started telling me about the above so perhaps she is saying the same (though she's adamant she isn't). Thanks for advice.

I would never bad mouth her friends in her earshot, it would 100% get back to them!

Good advice from all, thanks for replying! I'm desperate to watch "the secret life of 4 year olds" to give me more insight but can't seem to find it anywhere!

I supervised a load of Fairy’s f that age backstage at a show once.
They looked like absolutely angels but we’re pretty awful to each other. I spent a lot of my time referring arguments about who’s wings were best and the like

Oh yes, I'm frequently not DS' best friend, and he's often never going to play with me again. I get similar phrases about the various children in nursery. He spent the 10 minute walk to nursery one day complaining about a boy who had been mean to him (reportedly) and how he was going to run away if he saw him and not play with him. Obviously this was the first child he saw and he gave him a massive hug and they went off together.

I repeat various banal phrases about being kind to each other, games aren't fun unless everyone is having a good time, but the reality is that they all seem to be mucking together and sorting it all out themselves quite well

'Bitchy' is a strange choice of word to describe the behaviours of pre-schoolers

Yes, pretty normal. They seem to grow out of it fairly quickly. My 6 year old doesn't seem to have these issues any more.

It's their way of saying "I'm upset with you right now and I don't know how to deal with it other than avoiding you".

The best way to tell kids to deal with it is to find other people to play with for a while and maybe come back to that friend later when they have got over it.

There can be quite a lot of jealousy over friends at that age so some kids get upset over their "best" friend ever playing with anyone else. Some of this comes from insecurity. As your child has two separate "best" friends this may be fuelling some of this dynamic.

so perhaps she is saying the same (though she's adamant she isn't).

She will be.

My DD, who has always been very vocal, admitted saying the same when she was 2. Within a year she realised that she needed to play up her victimhood and stopped telling me she said it, instead she always complains the other children have said that to her.

Interestingly when she is in a group with more boys than girls, they don't do that behaviour as much. Partly because the smaller boys will sit on her. 😂

For goodness sake stop imposing your adult judgement on tiny children. They aren't "bitching".

They are just telling their truth because they are too young to have mastered lying, tact, and diplomacy.

Also remember friendships have the potential to be fairly transient at this age - yes, so e will be genuine and lady forever, but they are all working out their likes and dislikes at this stage and someone who is an attractive playmate one day might be less attractive than the one that knows all the words to Frozen 2 the next day.

This is all absolutely fine and a normal phase. If they move on from one kid to another let them.

Ugh that should have said LAST forever

Bitchy is a gross term to use towards small girls and reeks of misogyny.

They're learning boundaries not being bitches.

Absolutely normal behaviour for that age

Just wait until they get to 8/9! Whoever says girls are easier are massively wrong. I actually need a diagram drawn for me for the crazy friendship issues they get themselves into.

I work in Early Years, we hear this now and again from the kids. We deal with it by saying firmly “We are all friends here”. I’m not suggesting you do that, we have to because we have to manage a class load of them and their friendships change every day!

Just nod smile and say “oh really, ok”.

yep the "not be my best friend anymore" and "not invited to my party" (even when there is no party) entirely normal

It’s normal. A bit of a horrible wake-up call, but sadly normal. I’ve found girls far, far worse than boys and it’s been tricky to help my wee girl navigate it, but she’s got a thicker skin now and has plenty of friends. I’ve encouraged her to disengage with the troublesome ones and play with those who make her feel happy.

My 3 year old has already worked out that there's certain girls at preschool that only play with her on the days another girl isn't there and I think that's pretty savage for 3 year olds but she doesn't think anything of it so I just brush over it in the same way she does

We got both of those! And a recent edition, “I’m deleting your phone number!” From where, I have no idea as DS definitely doesn’t have a phone.

Haha my almost 4 year old is the same. I just say “oh dear. Never mind you will be best friends again tomorrow”
my favourite is “I told so and so she’s not coming to my party” they are very dramatic at this age

😂