Behaviour is unmanageable at this point

[Beachtrip]

I'm a single mum with DD10 and DS8.

Their behaviour is appalling. Mornings getting ready for school I often have to manage who goes in which room and who sits where to get dressed. I have to bully and chase to get them out of bed, and then DD will go from bed to sitting and do nothing. I have to chase her to pick up clothes, to put them on, I have to make sure they can't see each other, can't get close enough to hit each other.
Aren't both in the kitchen at the same time, that dd isn't reminding ds what he needs to do (whilst sitting doing nothing herself).

DD's attitude and back chat is becoming a problem as she has an answer for everything and believes her answers.
She is told to focus on herself and not tell DS anything at all. But she will remind him what he has to do and then explain to me why she shouldn't be in trouble for doing so. She seems to genuinely believe her excuses.

Ds get worked up by DD's relentless parenting and once he's in a temper that's it. Scowling, and berating of everything. Catastrophising everything.
He had a ten minute tantrum about bread this morning. About why he isn't going to bother eating it as it gives ZERO energy so it's pointless. Then when I don't rise he's screaming at me that is there any point being alive if no one cares about him.

We are always late. Despite allowing 15 mins for shoes and coats cos they both go to our small entrance hall and get in each others way, insisting on putting on gloves and hats first, then coats, then shoes but obviously none of those until I've lost my cool because they are just bickering again.

I've taken away packed lunches (they qualified for fsm but hate them so I was giving up time and money to make nice packed lunches for them) said they can earn that privilege back. They were good for 4 days then it started again.

I've removed the Nintendo switch completely and threatened to sell it if they can get their shit together to earn it back.

I've put them bed in uniform. I've brought bedtime forward by an hour (which did initially help with the getting up business)

They have three alarms and a calm happy wake up routine.
They have a morning routine based on time and I'm there to assist with anything.
They have 1hour 15 mins to get ready each day.

The relentlessness of all this is getting to me. I was fantasising about giving them up this morning, they can live with their dad and I'll get them EOW.
Cos I've only outlined the mornings in this post.
There's 3 hours after school of much of the same. I can't leave a room if they are both in it. There will be crying and someone will be hurt within seconds. I'm not exaggerating.
I can't shower or have a bath if they are up, only once they are in bed lights out. Because they fight and then I'm in the shower and someone is crying right next to it whilst they both scream and shout about how it isn't their fault.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's destroying our family. I'm clearly a shit mum cos I'm fucking miserable and exhausted and often unwell (I work as well as do all the house running and single parent)
I'm properly at my wits end.

How long have you been split up from their dad? Did they get any counseling to help them process it? They both sound miserable, which for kids that age often comes out as truly vile behaviour.

Do you get on with your ex? Does he know how awful their behaviour is?

Split from ex 6 years ago, he then didn't see them for a while as he's a grotesque waste of life.
There are restraining orders and such like in place. So we don't communicate about their behaviour.

But he won't be aware as he doesn't do any parenting. He has them EOW, and half of holidays but no school mornings etc. he lets them fall asleep at 10/11 on his weekends and wake up whenever so he avoids all conflict.

They do sound miserable and I don't know why. They don't act miserable and I give them so much. But I can't get them to do simple things like get out of bed or get dressed.

They are relentlessly jealous of each other, dd of ds more then the other way round.
Ex favours ds massively and dd sees it. Her jealousy has caused such problems and the only way to satisfy her is to do double for her and half for ds, which I can't do. She's had therapy, I can't afford therapy right now and we've exhausted all on offer through any services apparently.

Im at my wits end. It's interfering with my work, im falling behind cos im so exhausted and miserable. I have no zest for life anymore. I don't want to do anything. I have to force myself to shower some weeks cos I can't be bothered.
(I've asked for antidepressants but have to wait for reasons)

I personally would have a no screen rule until this is ironed out. My sons behaviour is worse when I allow too much screen time.

He can earn screen time by doing good listening and behaving himself.

Maybe sit down with the kids tonight and say that you can see they're unhappy with the routine in the morning. Ask them to come up with the checklist of things they have to do each day to get ready.

So, reintroduce the packed lunches BUT let them be responsible for making them. Get them to do it the night before if itll be too stressful in morning. Let them be responsible for having their uniforms ready, for shining their shoes once a fortnight or whatever etc. Maybe make it a competition...whoever is ready first every morning will get a prize at the end of the week (favourite chocolate bar or whatever).

I think they will respond well. Put on a front of being in control and stay calm.

You've got a lot to deal with having 2 kids on your own, must be hard.

Ask your son what he wants to eat in the morning. Would he prefer porridge or something? If so, get him to make it. They are capable. Maybe they feel like you are not listening to them?