Going from 1 to 2 kids - what worked for you?

[snufkin84]

Hello,

I'm a few weeks (days?!) away from giving birth to baby no. 2 and feeling pretty daunted at the prospect of caring for a newborn alongside my 4.5 yo DD. She seems genuinely excited about getting a baby brother, but I know she will find the loss of undivided attention hard. This is manifesting itself through some extra clinginess and neediness at the moment - e.g. refusing my DH's help and saying she wants to be with me all the time (I currently work 4 days a week), and generally being more distracted, volatile and challenging than usual. As an aside, we suspect DD may be autistic - she is bright and articulate, has a few close friends and is generally a happy and settled child, but finds loud noises/crying and big changes upsetting, can struggle with listening, and still needs quite a bit of help with toileting, washing, tooth-brushing etc. My DH is very hands on but will be at work at least 4 days a week (I know it could be worse!) and hasn't been at his current workplace long enough to qualify for paid paternity leave (though he does plan to take some unpaid leave when the baby arrives).

I'm trying to think of ways to help make the transition easier for us all (obviously acknowledging that it won't ever be completely smooth and easy) and would love to hear what worked for other families.

So far I plan to:

• continue sending DD to her pre-school nursery (she goes two days a week 8.45-5, but can't do more hours / a different pattern unfortunately until she starts school in August)
• on days when I'm at home alone with both children, not bother doing any housework/laundry/cooking and just focus on looking after them
• use the sling as much as possible (including for feeds if I can) and have my hands free to be with DD
• prepare an activity basket to occupy DD when I'm unavoidably busy with the baby - ideas of stuff to put it in would be particularly welcome!
• setting up a separate den/play area for DD which baby isn't allowed to access so she can have her own space
• involve DD in looking after the baby as much as possible, e.g. fetching a clean nappy, reading him a story, etc.

I think one of the reasons I'm struggling with this is that I was very responsive to DD as a baby, and still am now (I breastfed her until she was 2, carried her everywhere in the sling and co-slept/contact-napped until she was about 1, never sleep-trained or left her to cry - still now, one of us stays with her while she goes to sleep and she invariably comes through to our bed in the early hours of the morning). I very much want the same for the new baby, but know my time, energy and patience will now need to be divided between two. Any suggestions/advice/encouragement would be really appreciated!

My (lovely) HV said that they if they both need you, deal with the older one first. It helped me to have that ‘permission’ and I think she was broadly right. (Obviously she didn’t mean to leave the baby crying for more than a few moments.)

@SheWoreYellow Thank you for your reply, that does sound like good advice.

I had a just turned 3 year old mummy's boy (still co sleeping) when baby girl arrived. What helped was maintaining his routine as much as possible. In the run up, I got some quiet but baby safe toys we could do all in bed together - little wooden hungry caterpillar dominoes were amazing for this for open ended play - and babied him a lot initially. He wouldn't touch her for the first week, and didn't show any interest for a month or so, but she became his best friend and he loves her more than us now at 10 months he says (and shows lol).

Agree with pp, if both need you, deal with the older one first unless it's something like an injury or explosion from either end😅It makes them feel secure and important. I would tell the baby that she had to wait as her brother needed me, he appreciated that.

My advice is don’t make it a huge deal- don’t let them sense it’s a huge change. Discipline as normal. I wouldn’t create a separate area to play in, babies are pretty immobile, plus you want siblings to play together eventually.
Save baby classes, baby activities etc for pre school days.
id probably try and wean the night sleeping hand holding

Talk up big sis to the baby, "wow did you see how she put her shoes on and did up her coat, your big sis is so capable!" And when baby smiles and coos at her, point out how much she loves her big sis. And try to have grown up time when baby's sleeping, e.g. peel off nail varnish or Lego. Something too tiny for baby, she's not allowed.

I found a safe space to plonk baby in all the rooms was useful, rocker, changing mat on floor in bathroom etc, and used a wrap sling a lot.

Thank you so much for all your suggestions. I particularly like the idea of a safe space to put baby down in each room, and having some safe toys and activities for morning snuggles in bed. Definitely planning to keep routine as normal as possible and have baby fit in with that, and keep our usual boundaries for DD as well. I'm honestly happy to continue with the co-sleeping though - I don't think there's really enough time left to work on getting her to stay in her bed throughout the night, and don't want her to feel that we're pushing her away or associate that with the baby's arrival.

Any thoughts on quiet, not-too-messy activities I could stuff into a bag for DD to give her something to focus on during feeds?

As an aside, we suspect DD may be autistic - she is bright and articulate, has a few close friends and is generally a happy and settled child, but finds loud noises/crying and big changes upsetting, can struggle with listening, and still needs quite a bit of help with toileting, washing, tooth-brushing etc

interested you suspect autism - is this not normal for a 4 yo?

@Ohmygoshposh interesting you say that - I agree, to an extent, but in DD's case these things seem more extreme than in other 4 year olds. There are other things too - she doesn't give much eye contact, will often ignore you/change the subject if you try to initiate conversation (her hearing is definitely fine, and she will chat endlessly about topics she's interested in), has poo accidents most days and doesn't seem to notice/care if she soils herself, and sometimes bites/pushes other kids at nursery if they get into her space. At one of her closest friends' birthday party recently she was was absolutely terrified when the other kids all started blowing on kazoos - she just couldn't tolerate being in the same room and I couldn't persuade her to go back in, even though cake and party games were on offer, and the noise had stopped. On the flip side she has practically taught herself to read, can do basic sums, and has an amazing memory. From what I understand that kind of 'spiky' profile of abilities is often associated with ASD

All of which is to say I think she might find becoming a big sister harder than most - especially if baby cries a lot - and also that she seems to need more hands-on parenting (e.g. being made to sit on the loo regularly) than most 4.5 year olds.

Your DD sounds like mine, also looking autistic and 4. We have a 1 year old too.

I somewhat agree with tending to the big one first BUT if noise is a real issue stopping the crying is sometimes paramount, I have to explain what I'm doing and why and that yes I will help her in x minutes. Also having ear defenders and a safe quiet space, does she have a bedroom even if she doesn't use it?

DD technically was in her own room before DS was born but she still woke and came in to us so sometimes I bed shared with one either side and DP on the sofa. I weaned her off BFing I think months after the birth which felt far enough away.

DD was very prone to somewhat violent meltdowns back then (not even linked the the baby just a shit time) and I learned to back carry a newborn with a woven wrap just in case I needed to put the baby somewhere safe so I could keep her safe. I didn't really need to use it but felt better knowing I could. He did get kicked once when in a sling on my front when she was loosing it in a shopping Center and I was trying to get her back in the pram (mobile safe space, still in use for her sometimes)

@olderthanyouthink Thanks for posting. Yes, I wouldn't want to let baby cry for more than a minute or two, for baby's sake as well as DD's. We do have ear defenders and that was also the thinking behind the den/quiet space idea - somewhere she can retreat to if she needs a break from the baby. She does have a bedroom, likes being in it, and goes to sleep there happily every night - it's just she wakes around 2am and comes through to our bed then. She will need to share the bedroom with her brother though once he's ready for his own bed. She stopped breastfeeding ages ago, and hasn't expressed any interest in resuming so I don't think that will be an issue. She doesn't really have meltdowns either - it's more that unpredictable, loud noises make her extremely anxious and set her on edge. Interestingly she rarely cried as a baby as long as I kept her close, responded to feeding cues promptly, and took her out for fresh air lots, but obviously this baby might be completely different, and some crying is probably unavoidable.