Mother has a new boyfriend- Christmas Visit

[BabyB22]

I wouldn't even call him a boyfriend as she has been seeing him about two weeks. We are going home for Christmas and it will be first time for some to meet my little one. My Mam has this new guy and from conversations had, it seems like he will be there to meet my Daughter. This is a big no no.

Growing up, my mother has had many boyfriends come into our lives and alot of them were bad news usually alcoholics, drug users, gambling addicts and often violent. The worse they were, the harder it was for my mam to leave them and put both myself and my sibling in alot of dangerous situations.

Now I'm a parent, I will protect my daughter at all costs and so will her Daddy. We brought her into this world to do so. The way I see it is, I wasn't protected and the person who was supposed to do so failed. Am I wrong to say no to this new boyfriend meeting my daughter? I only ask because I've been told there will be alot of tension if I say no when we go home and other family members don't really see where I'm coming from which is usually the norm with alot of situations.
Just want to add, I am not wrapping my daughter up in cotton wool or anything like that, we are hoping to raise her to be independent and to be able to stand up for herself but I feel like this is different.

Any advice or anyone been in a similar situation?

You're doing great, keep going

What is wrong with your mother - has she no insight at all into her past, her choices or how any of it affected her children?? Youre doing great and making all the right calls in a really mature and thoughtful way. You are absolutely right to want to instinctively shield your child from another arbitrary badly behaved man introduced into your life by your mother who seems to have few boundaries and makes repeatedly poor - even dangerous - choices. Im behind you all the way. If your mum doesnt like it, then tough. Youre being the mother she should have been and wasnt.

Assuming you will be with your daughter at all times what exactly is the problem?

How will you stop your mum's boyfriend from being there?

Is it really worth the grief?

I think you're doing the righting.

*right thing

Urghh... pressed post by mistake!!!

I was in a similar situation and came to the realisation that nothing bad was going to happen. I treated the person like I would a random vague acquaintance in a cafe. Small talk to a minimum, no details of DS shared, didn't see the person ever again.

Spoken like someone who's never had the same childhood experience as op!

OP keep him away from your child.
And keep your mother away too if she's so unaware of child safety and never learnt from her mistakes.

Your daughter is an infant so of course your role is to ensure her safety and welfare at all times.
I don't see what threat this man poses in a social situation while you will be with your dd at all times.

Depends on how/when you are visiting- if it's for a cup of tea, then having a friend/new boyfriend there when you are both there all the time isn't a big deal, I think, it's possible anyone could bring along a new partner. If you were staying over at your mum's that's a much bigger deal and no, I wouldn't want to stay there with an unknown new man around.

If I were the OP I would never trust her DM to be in sole charge of my dd. But that's not being proposed.

It's not that I see him as a threat it's just will he want to hold her and if he does, my mam can be overbearing and wont listen to me if I say no as she has love vision. As it will be my first time meeting him and my partners, if we get bad vibes we obviously don't want to cause a scene. I do understand what you're saying it's just something doesn't sit right. I mean this guy has a son who my mother hasn't met and a previous boyfriend of hers was cautious about her meeting his kids until they were seeing each other for a while so how is this different.

If you aren't happy, then meet her outside the house on her own. I think it is up to you though to be fairly firm and say 'my dd doesn't go to strangers' and just keep holding her. It's not the same meeting new people in a social event as introducing a partner, though, surely your dd does meet new people occasionally, at baby group or the doctors, with you there?

you are cautious, rightly so, due to what happened in the past, so I would go with that caution if that's what you can manage. I don't think you can tell her not to have a visitor round her own house, but you can decide not to go or to meet elsewhere.

Could you drop in to see DM and see what new BF is like before making a choice? I'd be reluctant to be honest but it's hard saying no to family they can be such a pain

Maybe just go for a few hours, don't stay over. I think its a bit different with a baby who you will be with constantly compared to older kids who may get attached etc. Have a back up 'emergency' planned with your partner to get out of there if needs be.

I think your reaction is a bit OTT. You will be with your dc at all times during the visit. Make it plain, he won't be holding your dc and then just be civil. The likelihood is he won't be in the picture for long anyway.

I mean this guy has a son who my mother hasn't met and a previous boyfriend of hers was cautious about her meeting his kids until they were seeing each other for a while so how is this different.
Parents introducing new 'partner' to their dc is a different situation to the one you are describing. That is a safeguarding risk. Your dm let you down immensely and failed to safeguard you.
You and your dh are the safeguarders of your dd. I'm not suggesting other people can't prove a risk but your dd is not being left vulnerable in this situation because you and dh will be in control.
What I think you need to think carefully about is the limit of your dm's involvement in your dd's life. You need clear boundaries.

Just say you don't want to pass her around due to colds and infections going around. Then turn away and start chatting to someone else. Easy.

I should hope the next time your making a decision about your children you're not being told you're OTT. Yes I over think like many new mothers but only want to do what's best at the end of the day.

@VisitingThem , we are staying with her as I am from overseas so not really an option. But, I understand she won't even remember the encounter it's just she knows the guy a wet week but I can't tell her who to have round so we will just be there with her.

@LosingTheWill2022 yes true we will be there and I know its a different situation I just mean they are so new that I don't really understand why he should be introduced. Not to mention he's a grown man who won't meet my Granny as he's too shy but will stay over and sneak off the next morning (my mam lives with my granny).

Your mum’s loyalties should be to you, not to whichever random she happens to have met a couple of weeks ago. And your poor granny having to out up with an endless string of men staying over, it’s so seedy and wrong!

What a nightmare, poor you. It sounds like just one in a long line of situations your mum has put you in.

Quite right not to inflict that sort of chaos on your daughter. Your mum sounds like a nightmare, stand your ground or rethink your plans to visit. Sorry your mum is so crap, I can’t even imagine

@WilsonMilson I know she's had some weird men back and my Mam can be nasty so my Granny just finds a way to put up with it. Then again my Granny told me I'd cause tension and possibly an argument but yet she doesn't want him staying at the house so everything is just to keep the peace. My Partners family or himself just don't work that way they all say and tell how it is so he's trying so hard for my sake to understand its all just exhausting when it should be a simple visit home to spend some time with our beautiful daughter.

We do have one rule though, any arguments or shouting this year and we won't be back so this visit may be the last.

Is it possible for you to stay in an Air B and B or a hotel? I know it's extra expense, but this visit has disaster written all over it, and not because of you. your mum has a history of being nasty and being with unsuitable men, and she won't change as you have a tiny baby, just as she didn't change when you were little. I would probably try to stay elsewhere, we do when visiting my MIL as I wouldn't be able to cope staying with her.

Would just like to update and say that they had broken up by the time I got there!! I stressed for nothing.

Thanks for the advice though x