Worried I have caused my child psychological damage/attachment issues

[Uiolktppp]

When I was a couple of weeks away from birth, my partner left me. The pain and shock was unbearable and he said he wanted nothing to do with us as he didn’t think dc was his.

I don’t know how I coped but I carried on and think i did an ok job. I was totally alone as ex never got in touch.

i keep beating myself up that some nights I’m sure I fell back to sleep when he was crying for food. I can’t remember, but I do know I didn’t always fully wake up and he would go back to sleep. This is at 2 weeks old or something so far too young to self soothe. I also remember showering quickly and hearing him cry and getting there a couple mins later rather than immediately. I had an emotionally thought upbringing and I’m so worried in these early months (and to
be honest even moments now) I have not been as responsive as I should have. How much damage will I have caused? I’m so stressed and have been reading books on this. Thanks.

*emotionally tough upbringing

Put the books down and for God's sake don't feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong.

I'm not sure whether anyone here will be able to say for certain but the good news is that attachment can be repaired. I know because I have done it after terrible pnd. Focus on warm loving responses going forward but remember none of us are perfect.

2nd babies get left to cry for periods of time all the time as their parents can't physically be completely reactive! And not all 2nd kids are ducked up are they? So by that logic your baby won't be either.
If your little baby was stressed out enough to need you, you'd know about it! The fact that the baby could go back to sleep suggests he was fine. Put down the books, I'm sure you're a lovely mummy.

I also remember showering quickly and hearing him cry and getting there a couple mins later rather than immediately.

If that's your criterion I doubt there's a single baby in all human history that hasn't a few times cried for a few minutes.

Please stop beating yourself up for a situation which was 100% your ex partner's fault.

I carried on and think i did an ok job

I'm sure you did. Actually, in light of how self critical you're being, you probably did (and are doing) a lot better than an 'ok' job.

I don't think anyone can definitively say it had no impact, but I don't think you need to worry too much for a short period of time. Youre reading about infants who don't get their needs met quickly but that isnt because of a transient thing their mum is suffering through, it's because it is abusive parenting (which doesn't improve). The profound impact you see on those children is a culmination of years of that. Your little one would presumably be more akin to a newborn in nicu, or a one of a twin, where there isn't always a pair of hands available as soon as they cry, but they are loved and cherished overall. And they are just fine.

How old is he now and how are you doing now? Can you get some counselling to help process that dreadful time and focus on creating a healthier headspace for yourself as he gets older. Hang in there, you are doing a great job

What they said, and well done on getting through that by yourself.

This sounds so difficult for you.

The fact that you are worrying about this makes me think your child will be absolutely fine. Mothers can't always respond immediately to their newborns if there are older children/ a twin demanding attention at the same time. No one would criticise a parent for that.
My marriage broke down during my (first) pregnancy, it was incredibly stressful. My daughter had a tongue tie cut but I don't believe she ever efficiently breast fed, she was topped up on formula by 3 months but I don't think bottle fed /cup fed effectively either and I think in hindsight she was hungry until she was weaned. My daughter is now 7, happy and healthy if this is any reassurance

babies aren’t going to spontaneously combust if they’re safe in a cot with no immediate harm, and you get to them a couple of minutes after they start crying whilst you exit the shower. Imagine you frantically rushed out of the shower as soon as they cried, then slipped and possibly hurt yourself? A few minutes is not important in the grand scheme.

Also how do you know he was crying for food during the night? Presumably you fed him recently and have a feeding routine so he wasn’t starving. He will be alright.

I’m a therapist.

I would strongly recommend you put the books down and get some relational therapy for you, or engage with the person you already have.

If you’re desperate to read something, look at What every parent needs to know by Margot Sunderland.

I also remember showering quickly and hearing him cry and getting there a couple mins later rather than immediately.

If that's your criterion I doubt there's a single baby in all human history that hasn't a few times cried for a few minutes.

Exactly. I’m always coming across babies and toddlers in public who are crying - it’s just how they function at that age. It doesn’t mean something major has happened. Once I was sat down at a bench and a woman sat next to me with her baby. Her baby wanted my phone and was grabbing at it so I moved it away. The baby started crying lol. It wasn’t in danger and I/its mother didn’t do anything wrong. The baby won’t grow up with a disorder as a result.

You did a brilliant job. Not ‘under the circumstances’ or ‘despite…’, just brilliant. The fact that you worry means that you care for and love him more than anything and he will know this. I’ve been where you are, it’s tough. Speak to yourself as you would your dearest friend. You are a brilliant mum.

I think you're overthinking, especially the shower thing. Your baby is fine, don't be too hard on yourself

Have compassion for yourself. You wouldn't blame a friend for this. You worked your arse off because he betrayed you. You did your absolute best.

He's not damaged by a loving caring mother who did her total best for her baby. It's not your fault his father didn't stay.

Look back at yourself and feel compassion at how you coped. You are Wonder Woman.

Also remember you don't have any idea what happened to you as a baby. He's fine and happy and loved and cared for. I find damage comes much later not as a newborn.

I’m pretty sure he will be fine. What you went through was horrendous. Give him all the love and cuddles now. Consistent love and care. He will be more than fine.

As PP said - pls stop reading the “let’s guilt-trip the non-perfect mums” books (ie all mums, btw). Honestly, some of them talk such bollocks. I got locked into a book that suggested you may not fully bond with your baby if you don’t breastfeed within the first 30 minutes. I mean please - nature is that crap at her job that a lifetime bond turns on the first 30 minutes? And how do dads and adoptive parents bond, if that’s the case? That kind of thing is nothing more than harmful rubbish.

You have clearly been a loving, attentive and present mother. You will no doubt continue to be one.

Also - no parent is perfect. You will make mistakes. All parents do. God knows I have. I’m a somewhat anxious person and my now nearly adult DCs are probably more anxious than is ideal and that’s because of me. But they also have a great many good qualities, some of which also come from my parenting.

All you can be and all your DC needs is good enough parenting. And it sounds like there’s a great deal of good enough parenting going on. Onwards and upwards, OP!