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Parenting

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Original poster

How do I nip this in the bud now?

22 replies

Milkybarmumi · 03/12/2022 11:30

For background dp and I both have a dd each from previous relationships. We’re now expecting a baby of our own.
dp doesn’t get to see his dd often as she has a care plan and doesn’t live with her mum anymore. He has arrangements to visit her or have her for the day, as he is the only biological relative she has who is involved in her life. Due to this he is understandably very protective of her and puts her first. He has expressed how he is scared she will be jealous of the new baby and that she will feel replaced. He’s admitted he’ll be scared to bond with the baby and will feel obliged to spend more time with his dd.
this has upset me. I understand his dd circumstances aren’t nice for anyone, but it shouldn’t affect our new child. They should be treated equally imo and his dd will adapt to ‘sharing’ daddy. He’s great with my dd but will take a step back when his dd visits, which I completely understand, however they have a good bond like sisters do and I think she feels like she finally belongs in a family when she is with us.
im now very worried that our baby will be pushed aside in favour of his dd. I’m not sure how to approach this and ensure it doesn’t happen. We still have a few months to go but I want to find a way to sort this beforehand. Can anyone advise?

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 03/12/2022 11:41

Why doesn't his DD live with you? Or, more to the point, her dad?

crumbsneverdid · 03/12/2022 11:43

Sorry, I know you're looking for some different advice here, but a lot of people, myself included, won't be able to get past the fact his dd doesn't live with him.

Original poster

Milkybarmumi · 03/12/2022 11:44

theres a long back story but legally he has no parental rights and wasn’t allowed to be considered.

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Phineyj · 03/12/2022 11:45

I'm sure there's a lot more detail you're not sharing but this is a very specialised and unusual situation - I assume social workers are involved. Can they recommend a family counsellor or therapist?

Phineyj · 03/12/2022 11:46

I am confused as it's possible to apply for parental rights isn't it? What a mess!!

Unicorn2022 · 03/12/2022 11:50

He can apply to the court for parental rights and get his DD living with him. Why hasn't he done this if she's his biological DD?

mynameiscalypso · 03/12/2022 11:50

It sounds like a very difficult situation. I understand your concerns about the new baby but I feel so desperately sorry for his DD that I'd like to think that I would be happy for him to prioritise her. Your new baby will grow up with her family around her in a stable home which I assume your partner's daughter has not experienced.

Original poster

Milkybarmumi · 03/12/2022 11:50

They were teenage parents and he didn’t know she existed until she was legally adopted. Now I have explained please can someone advise me on my question. Thank you

OP posts:

Unicorn2022 · 03/12/2022 11:54

It's a weird thing for him to say, and in light of your update surely he won't be able to increase the amount of time with his DD. You would think he would be looking forward to bonding with the new baby as he didn't get that experience first time around.

crisscrosscringle · 03/12/2022 11:54

This is way too complex without the info. She's legally adopted but spends a days a week with her biological dad? Surely she has parents then and actually in the circumstances it would be entirely understandable for you DP to have a closer relationship with your new child. Sounds like your DP could do with accessing counselling.

BirgetteNyborg · 03/12/2022 11:58

If your DP wants to develop his relationship with his daughter surely that's a good thing? She will be your child's sister?

There will obviously be a degree of upheaved for everyone and it will possibly be upsetting for your DP as he will realise what he missed out on with his older child. He might need support and will perhaps look to spend more time with her . You can support him in this or look to " nip things in the bud" as you put it which I imagine could end badly for everyone.

Original poster

Milkybarmumi · 03/12/2022 12:06

I just want him to treat them equally not favour one over the other despite circumstances. I don’t want to have to correct favouritism later on that’s why I want to nip it in the bud before it begins. She has legal parents yes but no biological family. They allow him access which he isn’t legally entitled to.

OP posts:

whosaidtha · 03/12/2022 12:14

Treating them equally doesn't mean treating them the same. His dd is in a completely different situation to your future child and therefore has different needs. Maybe talk about some specific things you expect your partner to do/not do. Eg. Choosing an activity suitable for everyone on his days rather than insisting on an activity the baby can't enjoy.

Whiskyvodka · 03/12/2022 12:15

As your dp has never been a new father before in the sense of seeing and holding his newborn then I think you need to wait and see whilst reinforcing that all parents can love their dc equally.
There is also a strong chance that the dd will be thrilled to have a biological sibling once she knows her dad still loves her. And I would think the adoptive parents will also be aware and sensitive of the upheaval.
Personally I wouldn’t look for trouble before it’s happened.

custardbear · 03/12/2022 12:20

The only thing you can do is talk it through with him and that both children need to feel the same love under these circumstances.
When his first DD is grown up hopefully she'll understand why she was adopted but til then there needs to be a good bond between everyone

MollyRover · 03/12/2022 12:21

She's been adopted? She already has a DF then, your DP is a bonus parent. He needs to take it up with her parents about how best to manage the situation, anything else is just undermining them and will ultimately jeopardize the contact arrangement he has.

Rainbowcat99 · 03/12/2022 12:22

Your baby will automatically have a huge advantage over his older dd though as he/she will live with him full time from birth.
His older dd can only have a tenuous relationship with him as he wasn't involved in her early years and it sounds as if he has never lived with her at all.
Can you give some examples of how you think this older girl will be treated favourably over a newborn because as she doesn't live with you I'm struggling to see how much it will impact you.
Perhaps just agree that most of his days with older dd are his special days where you perhaps have a meal together then leave them to spend time alone for a while?

watcherintherye · 03/12/2022 12:24

Isn’t it very unusual for an adopted child to have such regular contact with a bio parent and his new family? I have no experience, so maybe not.

I think she feels like she finally belongs in a family when she is with us.

I would hope she feels like that with her adopted family? Sad, if not.
If I were the adoptive parent, I’d be quite wary that an increase in contact would de-stabilise the family dynamic even more. I would be telling your dp to tread very carefully.

A. Your new baby needs her father, too.

B. If his dd has been adopted, it’s not really on for your dp to carry on as though he has parental rights which he, presumably, doesn’t have. How confusing for his oldest dd.

Phineyj · 03/12/2022 13:11

I think @MollyRover's advice is good. I also think if you re-post this on the Adoption board you will get better informed advice.

TiddleyWink · 03/12/2022 13:33

What a horrific situation for your DP to find he had a child but not allowed to have parental responsibility. How on earth was she adopted without the father being tracked down and permission sought? I’m sure there’s a lot to the story but it’s terrifying that can happen. And for the adoptive parents, surely they should never have been allowed to adopt a child where this could happen, the biological father coming out of the woodwork having not authorised the adoption?! Your partner probably needs serious counselling to deal with the trauma of this - I know I would!

PeekAtYou · 03/12/2022 13:49

Your dp is the one who has to deal with this.
Has he been to counselling to deal with the horrific situation of his oldest's adoption? Understandably he will feel guilt and anger but he needs help to come to the conclusion that it's not his fault and he's not going to get the time back that was taken from him.
As he sees her infrequently then it's not unreasonable that her time with dad is generally centred around her. For example if he takes her to the cinema then that's not favouring her over the baby iyswim. In families with more than one child, it's not unusual for parents to do different things with the kids
I think that Yabu a little since mums also worry about not loving dc2 as much as dc1.

MINTYTULIP · 03/12/2022 18:37

I would acknowledge his fears and say you both should approach in exactly the same way you would when a new sibling comes into the picture - get both DDs involved and excited to have a new brother or sister as well as ensuring plenty of quality time with them both. Now you have a shared child I personally would want everyone to feel part of the same family - lots of chances for you to all spend time together as a unit.

Does she have her own room/bed at your house? Perhaps giving her her own space would make her feel more included.

With the special circumstances aside, its also worth a comversation to acknowledge he obviously has alot of guilt and buried feelings on what happened with his DD and suggest a plan of action to remedy.

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