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Original poster

Should I Send My 12 Year Old to Live with Her Dad

30 replies

Aaw79 · 03/12/2022 01:26

Hi everyone
im a single mum, have been for nearly 9 years. My ex husband moved to another town a few hours away when we split up. He sees our children twice a year - his choice. My son lives independently now but I still have my 12 year old daughter. She is fairly attached to me but does enjoy seeing her dad. He’s had many girlfriends but they’ve always been nice to my kids. As everyone knows, cost of living is sky high. I’ve been struggling more and more. I do not waste money. I’m frugal, I budget. I had to start all over again financially after my husband left me. He’s barely helped with kids expenses. I live from week to week and have a couple of credit cards for emergencies. I’m really stressed thinking of the next 5 years putting my daughter through high school and all the expenses. I love her more than anything but am going steadily downhill financially. Her father has a good job. I don’t want to part with my daughter but sometimes think I should send her to her dad even if it’s for one year so I can try save a little money.
I just want other mums opinions if they think this would be a bad move. Would it possibly make my daughter feel rejected or mess up her schooling and social circle? I don’t have any family to help me and worry I’m not going to manage to keep providing for her.

OP posts:
iamjustwinginglife · 03/12/2022 01:30

Absolutely not. She barely knows him. How would you explain that decision to her. Are there any benefits you're entitled to, are you sure he's paying enough maintenance. Maybe ask him to have her more but going there permanently...I couldn't do it.

Theydoyaknow · 03/12/2022 01:31

Christ No!

octoberfarm · 03/12/2022 01:32

Hey OP, I didn't want to read and run. Does your daughter's Dad pay any child maintenance for her? If not, he should be contributing (legally), and I would without hesitation look at going down that route and claiming through CMS rather than sending her to live with a Dad she barely sees, which doesn't sound like it's in anyone's best interests. Sorry you're having to even think about this Flowers

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Whityedain · 03/12/2022 01:33

I wouldn't disrupt her for the sake of saving money.
What are the main expenses from having her living with you?
How much do you think you would save by sending her away for a year?
Is it purely money that's making you feel like this?
Does her dad have any other children?

FixItUpChappie · 03/12/2022 01:34

Your child cares more about you, the core centre of her universe, than how much money you have Flowers

go after your ex for more chid support

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2022 01:35

I just want other mums opinions if they think this would be a bad move.

Yes, terrible move.

Her father has seen her twice a year since she was 3 - that’s 18 times. He has many girlfriends. Does that sound stable and nurturing to you?

If he doesn’t pay the right child maintenance get that sorted.

Don’t send a pubescent girl to live with a stranger.

Original poster
Aaw79 · 03/12/2022 02:00

They used to spend every second weekend with him but then end of 2017 he moved far away so they only see him twice but still talk on the phone often. Unfortunately he is devious with his finances as he works for himself as a contractor and doesn’t declare his true income. Therefore the child support he has to pay only covers her weekly food. My children are my world and I’d be lost without my daughter. I guess I’m worrying that I cannot provide properly for her. All her school mates have things I’ll never be able to afford and she feels embarrassed and poor among them. I’m only wanting what’s best for her which is why I posted this question.

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Msloverlover · 03/12/2022 02:04

Teenagers are embarrassed whatever tbh. I grew up being much poorer than my school mates (I was on an assisted place at a private school, mum was a single mum on benefits). It didn’t scar me at all (although I’m sure I created drama about it at the time). What she needs most is you.

Original poster
Aaw79 · 03/12/2022 02:13

I don’t think it’s the best environment for a girl her age. Girls need their mums. And he has never prioritised the children. I just need to improve my financial situation and already live on the minimum and don’t know where else to make money. I cannot work extra ie: nights because I have my daughter

OP posts:
Original poster
Aaw79 · 03/12/2022 02:16

Thank you. I realise you’re talking from experience so it means even if she’s complaining and miserable about what she doesn’t have, she will deep down be happier living with me?

OP posts:
WeDontNeedToTalkAboutJamie · 03/12/2022 02:17

Are you claiming all the benefits you're entitled to?

dolor · 03/12/2022 02:20

Good gods NO.

Original poster
Aaw79 · 03/12/2022 02:24

Yes I am.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/12/2022 02:29

The next time there is a long school break, tell your ex that he is getting his daughter for the week. Let him sort out child care and pay for food. Send her with only the outfit she is wearing and let him buy her some clothes. At the end of the week tell your ex that you need more child support money or he become a full-time parent and you will see her on weekends and holidays.
Work out how much more money you need and give him a firm figure - X amount of dollars a month or you take over all of it.

Original poster
Aaw79 · 03/12/2022 02:33

He lives 8 hours away

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 03/12/2022 02:59

Yes she will be happier with you. Don’t send her.

would he be willing to give her money directly eg for clothes and a bit of pocket money in addition to the money he sends you? I have no doubt that he would be reluctant to give you any more but if it went direct to her he might be willing. Would that help?

Now that she is a bit older could you try and get sone evening work? Even ad hoc baby sitting to get a little extra? Go and see CAB for budgeting advice??
It makes me really angry to see so many people in this position. But keep her with you. I have teen girls. They absolutely need their mums, even if they don’t always act like it

Original poster
Aaw79 · 03/12/2022 03:11

Thank you for your advice. My daughter has major anxiety (another reason I’d be unsure sending her to her dad) so she won’t go to anyone while I work. Doesn’t want anyone looking after her, she freaks out. Once she’s 14 she could probably get an after school job somewhere to give herself money.
I’ve suggested to my ex about the money direct to my daughter for extras and he refuses. He won’t pay a cent towards anything. Not even her phone bill of which I mainly got her the phone to have contact with her dad. She’s got problems with cysts in her wrists and he won’t help for medical costs neither. All his money goes on himself.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2022 03:21

Teen girls really need a decent parent and female role model. They may look big but they need parenting even more than young kids as they’re starting to learn to navigate the adult world. So no, there is no way in hell I would send your dd to live with her deadbeat father. You are far more important than any designer item of clothing.

As for getting stuff for your dd, she will soon be able to get a little job. I know these are more difficult to get but pubs do employ 14 year olds to wash up and the ones, where there a high service element, some restaurants employ runners, who don’t take orders. They just take food out, remove plates etc. Maybe you need to be 16 for the latter. Otherwise, there’s paper rounds from around 14. Your dd can use that money to buy herself stuff. She should approach these places herself nearer the time as they’ll be more impressed with her than you turning up.

As for stuff your dd likes, Vinted and eBay is good for second hand. My dd likes Vivienne Westwood but the fake stuff is really good. The eBay earrings were about £5 rather than around £90.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2022 03:22

Cross post. Bless her. 😪 😘

LeafHunter · 03/12/2022 04:39

I’m guessing you’re not in the Uk by the comments around costs for medical care, cent etc. Are there people who can help you access more financial support - either through school or local community projects?

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 03/12/2022 04:43

Goodness no

Original poster
Aaw79 · 03/12/2022 04:51

I’m in Australia and do get some small benefits which I appreciate. It’s still hard though especially with spike in fuel and electricity costs

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lifeinthehills · 03/12/2022 04:57

I think she needs to stay with you, if at all possible. Is he paying his child support? If not, I'd go after that. Can you register your daughter for NDIS, if she isn't already?

Kamia · 03/12/2022 05:01

Can you ask for a pay rise at work or even is it possible to apply for a promotion. It's tragic that some people work full time and cannot afford to li e comfortably.
A second job is not worth it you only ending up paying more tax. Unless you're under an umbrella company which you have to pay for.

Original poster
Aaw79 · 03/12/2022 05:07

He works for himself so his income cannot be garnished which they would do if he had an employer. So his payments are sporadic and not much. I cannot register for NDIS

OP posts: