Not loving after a baby?

[dinoruu]

I used to be quite loving with my partner and now I’m not I’m the opposite. I give affection but like short bursts

i feel like that aspect of me has changed so much

anyone else like this? Our baby is nearly 1 but yeah I’ve went from the emotional lovey dovey one to only really giving bits of affection

I think this is very common after having a baby. Your focus changes. Your partner may have been the focus of your affection and now it’s your baby. You’re also very tired, busy and often touched out from holding a baby all day. I struggle with physical affection anyway as it’s really not my love language. I have to make a conscious effort and remind myself to hold his hand or give him a hug because I know it’s important to him. Has your partner voiced any thoughts on these changes in your relationship?

@Alitlebitsleepy He has and even made comments like “you’d never say things like that about me now” meaning like expressing love

and it is like I feel like at the end of the day I’ve got nothing to give! And sometimes he feels like an extra child so I get irritated. And I’m feeling guilty now

Definitely with you on the partner feeling like another child. I have gone through bouts of real anger and rage with mine, and it feels like a lot of love has been lost even though we were so close before. Our baby is 10 months.

@ExhaustedMuch I didn’t want to say this but I feel the same. A lot of love lost :(

I know I love him but it’s like I didn’t know how much of a man child he was until I had our baby!

I think this is totally normal. Older parents I know (including my own) have told me that the period when DCs are under 3 (or 5) can be the most challenging for a relationship. Their advice is always to keep trying to make a degree of effort, but also be kind to yourself and remember that this is a tough phase.

My parents are in their 60s and have a decent relationship. When I was having trouble finding a form of contraception that didn’t make me feel unwell post DC3, in desperation I asked my DM what she did for contraception in the couple of years after we were born. She shrugged and said “abstinence. Who wants sex with young kids?” like it was the most obvious answer in the world. I know that isn’t the only solution, but also I think that really, more couples than one might expect don’t do much in the way of intimacy for a few years after the birth of their children. I know that many of my friends feel the same way.

@dinoruu Yes, exactly this. I have used the words "man child" many times to describe my husband to his face. We have been together for the best part of two decades as well, and it is like I only just realised this.

I think this is a reflection on your husband, not you. I found I loved my husband 100% more post-kids, and am noticeably more demonstrative, for two main reasons:

1. I didn't realise quite how supportive and loving he was until we had kids
2. I think it's very important for kids to grow up surrounded by love and affection.

It wasn't automatic - I made a sincere effort to communicate my appreciation throughout the really hard early days when we basically never got any time together.

I think if you're not feeling loving, it's more than likely because your husband is not acting in a way that is easy to love.