DS 19m losing his shit at getting dressed

[bigshoutingday]

Cannot get the boy dressed. He screams to the point of nearly throwing up. Tries to put his jammies back on. Tries to wriggle so much I can't even get the clean clothes on. Will bang his head off the floor in rage.

I have tried letting him choose his clothes, which he's happy to do, just not to put them on. Tried letting him watch a video on my phone. Not ideal but sometimes needs must, but even that is having a much worse success rate recently. Tried all the "you're feeling angry cos you don't want to take your jammies off" but he's too busy screaming to even hear.

Any tips? Just let him go to nursery in jammies?

He's an otherwise delightful child, although seems to be pushing boundaries a bit in other areas (shoving his sister for example), is it just a phase? Tell me it's a phase!

I can’t really help as my 15mo old is the same, particularly trying to put pyjamas back on/taking off clothes I’ve put on. Thankfully he is not that adept at this yet.

We choose clothes first thing then as soon as breakfast is done with I just do it in bits…so we’ll put on his vest, then go and put a wash load in the machine, then socks and trousers, then play with some toys, then top, then read a book. Sometimes we break this down even further. Only takes 15mins or so and gets rid of the screaming so takes just as long but less stress.

If we are in a rush I stick the tv on and go as fast as I can. I do try and explain beforehand ‘I know you hate it but we are in a rush so you try and be as still as you can and I’ll try and go as fast as I can and then we’ll go out’ not sure how much he understands and we do still get a bit of resistance with both methods.

I hope it is just a phase.

Generally with small children everything is just a phase!

No advice I'm afraid but hopefully he'll grow out of it soon. I still have flashbacks to the weird things mine both took offence to when tiny and they're both at senior school now.

Good luck, it'll be something new soon enough, just think this too shall pass!

Short term if this is driving you beserk?
Put him to bed in a vest, tracksuit bottoms and socks and a soft daytime top. Then you only have to fight over the shoes and jumper and coat if you’re walking and you can put those on outside where he can feel that yes, it is cold, maybe a coat is not such a bad idea.

Maybe it's the feel of the cloths, you could try with more pajama like cloths like leggings & soft long sleeve t-shirt. Or on a day your staying home experiment with changing from one set of pj's to another, to narrow down if it's the cloths or the act of changing he objects to.

DD also went through a phase of really not liking things pulled over her head, so lived in either baggy or zip/ button up tops for a while.

This is genius! The opposite of wearing jammies to nursery, just wear clothes to bed 😂 only problem is his complete refusal to wear a bib at breakfast time so will often have half a bowl of porridge down his front but at least that's only one thing needing changed I suppose.

I don't think it's the feel of the jammies cos he gets equally annoyed taking him clothes off for bath at the end of the day. Seems more of a control thing, like he doesn't want to be told what to do. Takes after his father there. I do always ask him if he wants to take his jammies off etc and get a resounding NO. Maybe need to try more of "it's time to get dressed" rather than posing it as a question that he gets to choose the answer to.

I shamelessly used bribery until that phase passed. "Let's get you dressed fast and brush your teeth, then you can watch/play/read favourite book/eat whatever if there's time before we have to go." If it takes too long to get ready, no time to do the thing they want.

It’s just a chore for kids that means another undesirable stage in their routine is about to happen (eg a bath, going to nursery, going to bed etc). My daughter was exactly the same, like PP I used a combination of bribery and making it into a ‘game’.

Is he the same with his father?

Ask him if he wants to put on his top or his bottom first?

Mine (20 months) is going through a similar phase, with putting a jumper on, putting socks and shoes on etc. He will run away/scream/stamp his little feet on the floor (the tiny bundle or rage is quite cute).

I have a few different tactics. Sometimes I’ll just slip his jumper over his head without announcing it, and he’s okay with it. (If I’d told him to put it on he would have said no).

I also use do a slow “1,2,3” countdown. It’s turned into a bit of a game - he hides behind the curtains but knows at on 3 I am actually going to come and get him. He still fusses but I hold both his hands and lead/ drag him out.

Haha the answer to any question he is asked is NO regardless of whether it's a yes/no question. Haven't actually tried this though, will give it a bash tomorrow! I'm hoping maybe once his communication improves (the ability to say yes would help) that he'll feel a bit more in control of himself and less full of rage!

Does it have to go over his head? DS has sensory processing disorder and in retrospect, one of the key signs was his hate for any clothing changs that required going over his head. Alongwith his refusal to wear layers....

... I waved him off to school this morning wearing a short sleeve shirt and a blazer. Sigh.

Yes, and two grannies to a slightly lesser extent. He goes from a lovely wee boy to an absolute ball of rage in 2 secs flat.

It's a phase. A hellish, frustrating phase.

It's not particularly recommended parenting but the most success we had was making it a race. "I'm going to get dressed first!" "No me, ME" "do you need help?" "Yes" "oh no, how did you manage to get dressed first again!". Games generally helped - pretending he'd disappeared when taking his top off, all that nonsense you really feel like when you're pushed for time in the morning. Bribery - if you get dressed you can take a toy to play with in the pram.

It turned out that DS did have some issues with clothes that he articulated better once he was older. Inexplicably he hates t shirts. There were trousers he didn't like because they were scratchy (despite feeling exactly like his other trousers...)

Can you try some way of allowing him to get dressed “independently”? DD is a similar age, and her main cause of dressing rage is because she wants to dress herself. She can’t do it all, obviously, but we have had some luck sometimes in holding necks/sleeves/shoes open and asking her to put her head/arm/foot in like a big girl.

Often the answer is no, but sometimes it’s successful!

Yes, we are just coming out of that phase - lasted a couple of months I think! I used shameless bribery and still do when needs must - “you can watch Bluey if you get changed first” etc. it didn’t work at first but does now.

A couple of times he ended up staying in his pyjama too all day cos I just gave up!

We used to race. I'd lay all the clothes out on the bed, mine too and then let DD win with much commentary, it turned our battles into giggly mornings (for the most part)

Think strategically, if porridge makes a mess ditch it for now and have toast fingers and fruit for breakfast, dry cereal in a pot with a sippy cup of milk. Whatever it takes to make your morning easier.

Also is it a fairly recent thing as it could be to do with the temperature change, it's cold getting dressed now.

DD loved putting clothes on from the radiator or from in front of the gas fire. Even as a teen if I'm ironing and she's getting dressed she'll ask me to warm up whatever it is.

YY never ask a question if it isn't really a choice. This is just confusing for them.

I agree with "It's time to get changed" as a statement.

Also see if you can make up some getting-changed games. A theatrical "Oh no!! Where's your hand gone? You've got no hand! It's gone!" and then an over the top relieved "THERE it is, I thought it was lost forever!"

Or kisses/tickles on the tummy while changing vest/nappy, on the feet while doing trousers/socks etc.

Or a little song. Or combine song with lost hand e.g. the William Tell Overture (google it, you know it) to "Where's it gone where's it gone where's it gone gone gone, THERE is the hand hand hand" or whatever silly thing that comes into your head. Cocomelon probably has a getting dressed song you could adapt. No no I don't want to wear my t-shirt or whatever.

If he'd understand (he might be a bit little yet) you can also get far with opposites - trying to put a sock on his head or top on his foot can be very funny to some toddlers. DH and DS2 have a little game at the moment where DS tells DH to go fast and DH will get him dressed very slowly, or DS tells him to go slowly and he will speed up and go really fast. This is all just to help build getting dressed into fun/silly connection time.

It is very very unlikely to be a control thing - it's possibly that he doesn't like being interrupted from whatever he is doing as getting dressed is restrictive and not very fun so he fights it automatically in the hope that he can get back to what he was doing, also because one year olds have no sense of time, so he can't process "it will only take a minute". Or a sensory issue - many people with sensory issues hate changing clothes, because it makes you cold/lets air get on your skin, and because it kind of renews the sensation of the clothes. This is hard to describe but as you wear clothes, you get used to the sensation of them and you can't feel them much any more. When you put new clothes on, you are more aware of the sensation of the fabric in contact with your body and this can be very difficult for somebody with sensory issues, even if it is clothing that they find comfortable, the newness of it is just wrong/irritating at first.

If you have a lot of issues where you feel he is trying to exert control it might be worth checking into the sensory suggestion because it's a common misunderstanding of sensory issues - distress can very often look like anger or defiance if you're seeing it through that lens.

Also don't try to talk reason with him when his behaviour is escalated. Acknowledging his feelings are important but not when he is distressed and can't listen. Put a fun song on or whatever to transition him into this activity use the same one each time of hes crying then start dancing to it eventually hell be intrigued and stop crying and calm down to see what you are doing.

Get everything else ready the night before so you literally have to get dressed and go so you aren't stressing, even to cereals that you can grab and go if you run out if time. If you are someone who styles their hair and does make up do it before getting you both dressed

Eventually the routine will get quicker. It is a phase, you don't see many adults screaming like a banshee just trying to get dressed so this too shall pass.

You've probably already tried it, but at the same age my DS loved it when I tried to put things on wrong - try to put his top on like a sock - faux bemusement when it doesn't fit - maybe it's my sock? Still doesn't fit - what to do..? With lots of drama. DS would be in fits of giggles and then demonstrate how to do it himself! Took ages at first, loads of silly trying on while internally screaming, but it got quicker and as others have said, it's only phase.
And these days (aged 3) he gets dressed by himself. Thank goodness 😅

It is a phase - I agree with the PP - change the approach. I used to put the animal song by Savage Garden and race my son to be dressed before the song ended.
Yes, I was reasonably sane, but like a lot of parenting when the tone changes the results come.

It probably is control and the whole aspect of "change". Just console yourself he is a born leader not follower! 😂

It's a transition thing maybe, same as leaving house, going to bed etc. They think 'no thanks I'll stay in this comfy state thanks'

We used to read a book until calm and engaged, then say - quick put on your t shirt and then we'll turn the page, two more pages then they need trousers to turn the page etc. I also got good at reading a book while surreptitiously dressing them without them realising, which is advanced skill!

Also clothes with favourite tv characters etc can work.

My kids also get TV only when they're dressed in the morning.