Will the adjustment to being a mum ever end?!

[SoloParent245]

Feel like I just need to get this out my system but wow my life has changed SO much since having a baby - he’s ten months now and I’m finding some days really tough still. We went to my best friends wedding today and he of course wouldn’t nap. My other half had drank over the limit so I had to leave and drive baby round to get him to sleep.

My other half works in emergency services and I do not feel he has gone through the same adjustment and does not always have the thoughtfulness that I need! I’ve socialised with friends baby free once since he’s been born.

Probably just feeling sorry for myself but please someone reassure me they felt the same or that it gets better!! Feeling exhausted and resentful that my partners live pretty much continues the way it was before baby.

It's not being a mum that's the problem, it's your choice of partner. If I were you I'd be telling to step up or ship out.

My husband is a kind, good man. But his life has continued much as it ever did (though he would beg to differ!) I know not a popular view on here but to be honest in RL most of my friends experience the same.

It does get easier and you do get time back - to yourself and to one another.

@Tiredallofthetime he might be a good, kind man, but if his life is the same as it ever was he really isn't a very good father.

By MN standards he loves DS, he provides in a financial sense (I work too, before I’m lambasted) and he does bits. Not loads.

However, that’s now and in five years time things could look very different. DS won’t always be this little and demanding (I hope!)

Well now it is time for a change, demand it, make it happen. Arrange to go out with your friends, your partner is a parent, he can parent his child. To give you a comparison, Dh was hands on from day one. I breastfed, he winded and changed Ds. We shared the good and the very bad. We were a team sharing the load. When he came home from work he would take Ds and make me a cup of tea and I got a break. He would either do the bath time or I would or we would do it together. The other person did a quick tidy and got the bed time things sorted.

On weekends I had a lie in on a Sunday, Dh had one on Saturday. He would take Ds out in the pram so I could sleep without being disturbed. When I returned to work we shared nursery drop off and pick up. Even when I then became a sahm Dh rolled his sleeves up and parented his child and then children. I have gone away for weekends to see friends and he has had both children under 4 without me leaving any sort of note on how to look after the children because he knows exactly what to do.

You need to stop being passive, go out, be unavailable, let your partner look after his child by himself. Let him figure out how he will go to the toilet for a poo with a 10 month old without you being there, you do it, now he can too. You deserve as much down time as your partner has. Take it. Dh has an amazing relationship with his sons.

Does the adjustment ever end? Yes and no. Mine are 6 and 3 and it's still hard sometimes to make sacrifices eg not being able to go out as there's no babysitter available, cancelling things when they're ill.

What does your partner do? If he has the same social life as ever, you need to address that. Sometimes with babies (esp when clingy or breastfed tbh) it's tricky to get out but not impossible. And it doesn't last forever.

Does your DP have the baby on his own? Just head off for a walk and leave them to it.

Thank you! My partner is great and he does help with little man whenever he can! He’s just not always great and thinking ahead about how to help! But he works 5 days a week often 12 hour days - it’s just standard in his job. Often switching between nights and days. He has it hard too.

Little man is exclusively breastfed and refuses a bottle so there is limited hours I can have out the house and friends aren’t very local. My friends pre baby don’t have children themselves and so it’s hard to relate to them so much these days. I’ve made some Mum friends but of course they have babies too so when I socialise with them it’s with their kids too!

I’m glad you have a similar experience - makes me feel less crazy! And thank you for your reassurance!

He doesn’t have a huge social life himself due to his shifts. He always checks in about going out first too which is great. His life not changing more feels in terms of his time to watch a film/play his games etc doesn’t feel to me that it’s changed much!

On his days off I’ll usually pop out for a walk/coffee for an hour or two but often alone as nobody else is free. He would happily have him longer but then there’s a pay off of me not seeing him or them together. Shifts are often 6.30-6.30 days or 7-5am nights. It’s rough. Little man is going through some real sleep issues which isn’t helping as often I’m in bed early due to dealing with majority of the sleep wake ups. He is a paramedic and so needs to be on a good amount of sleep for work and driving on blue lights. I’m sure it’s just been a rough few days for me and that it’ll feel more balanced soon!!

It does get better, this is the hardest phase because of the sheer sleep deprivation