How can I stop my child being brutally honest?!

[thegreentriangle1]

Please help!

DD is almost 5, and generally a lovely child. Very inquisitive and likes to ask questions...

This is where the issue is. She will ask such inappropriate questions it makes my toes curl.

Examples include, lady is supermarket - why do you have a mustache?

Man at bus stop with bad combover - why is you hair like that?

Strangers at softplay why are your teeth like that?

Honestly I could die. We talk repeatedly about not mentioning peoples appearance because they might not like it. In one ear and out the other

You need to tell her not to talk to people she doesn't know.

I think that would solve your problem.

Yes we do tell her that. She also does it to people we know

Just keep on repeating the message. Eventually it will sink in.

We got around this by asking them to whisper the question to us first before saying it out loud. Over time it works

Not much practical advice, but to reassure you a bit I wouldn't automatically assume that the recipient of the question will be horribly offended, in all circumstances.

I've got loads and loads of moles and freckles, most notably on my arms but also 3 fairly prominent on my face - I've been asked what they are by a number of small kids and have just explained, and then (situation dependent, works well on public transport) challenged them to see how many they can count.

Thank you!

I really feel awful when she says these things. I know most people are understanding of small children but I'd feel terrible if she was causing hurt feelings

Try to get her to put herself in other people's shoes. E.g. if you had six noses and didn't like them, would you feel happy or sad if people kept asking why you had six noses?

It's difficult to explain how social niceties like this work, to a very young child. Maybe find a simple way of saying how it doesn't come across as a neutral question, but as a comment that someone's teeth/hair shouldn't be like that.

Explain We are all different - show her examples - and also explain she might hurt someone's feelings - rinse / repeat - I don't think there is a short cut! As you don't want to crush her curiosity - some children will just stare at something they are not familiar with others will go further and voice their opinion. Just gently teach her. I think the discussion should be organic and not reactionary so talk more when you are out and she has noticed something different but you can maybe look at your own circle and explain some differences I.e short/ fat/tall/ slim/ grey/ black/ red. Most of us have them. At 3 I think she will get it very soon especially if she is at nursery where she is likely to see lots of differences in children/ staff and parents

Just tell her not to make observations about a person's appearance.

There's a picture book: "What Happened to You? by James Catchpole". About a child with one leg. Everyone wants to know what happened. If I remember right, the moral of the story is: we're not telling you what happened, mind your own business. But all told in a lovely, fun, child friendly way.

Sounds like you're doing too much explaining. Keep the message short and stern. "We don't comment on other people's bodies" in a sharp tone of voice, every single time. Don't be embarrassed, don't shh her or try to downplay it, combat it firmly and quickly every time.

It’s a common phase at that age.
I just repeated to mine that we don’t make personal comments - it is rude and unpleasant. And I could be quite forceful. It also ok to have the child apologize if it’s appropriate.
Eventually they get it.

@holidayys excellent, I'll have a look for that book.

We've explain in the past about asking personal questions and she does understand to a point. But then she'll only apply it to that person iyswim, rather than in a broader context.

After any incident we explain that people might be sad about being asked that question and she looks horrified she's said the wrong thing.

I don't want to stop her being inquisitive but I do want her to be a bit more careful with her words

@thegreentriangle1 the book even has a page at the back for parents. On what to do if your kid asks rude questions about a disabled person. Afraid I can't remember the details though. I should probably get the book out again myself, I guess.

Agree with saying “We don’t comment on other people’s bodies”, you could also try “people are built differently/people look different”. My son has a visible birthmark, and that’s what I have said to kids asking about it.

It’s good for a kid to be inquisitive but I don’t think I’d be best impressed to be on the receiving end of that from a five year old.

When my dd was young and did this our rule was we can discuss it when the person can't hear us. It included positive comments like someone's hair colour.

"We don't comment on people's appearance/bodies"

Ad nauseum.

Agree with shutting it down with just a statement about not commenting on peoples appearance.

Explanations can add more language than a 5yo can reasonably comprehend and muddy the waters.

A short statement and move on removes any attention she gets from doing it as well.

But then next time you compliment someone on their dress or haircut, you can expect your DD to say 'But we don't comment on people's appearance, Mummy!'

Do you tell her off at the time? It's good that you've discussed it with her but she obviously forgets. And try to preempt it if you notice someone whose appearance she might comment on.

I will never forget when DS asked one of our old neighbours with bad acne why she always had chicken pox. I honestly could have died. You just have to keep telling her she could really upset someone, and if the person can't immediately change whatever it is she is commenting on, then don't say anything. She will learn eventually!