Anyone returned to work early?

[Strugglingmum1234]

I’m currently 5 weeks pp with a lovely little boy.

Two weeks before I gave birth, my partner told me he’d been talking to other people about how he didn’t think I’d be able to cope with getting up in the night to look after the baby. It hurt to hear this and wasn’t really what I needed two weeks before giving birth as it really knocked my confidence, but I was able to take the ‘I’m going to prove him wrong’ attitude and still entered parenthood feeling positive. (To add context, I have bipolar disorder - I’ve been unmedicated for 3 years and it’s been generally well managed).

Our little man has been quite colicky so we’ve not had a great deal of sleep. We’ve been managing with a mix of some nights both of us get up together each time he wakes and some nights we’ve done split shifts where we break the night in two and one of us sleeps in the spare room when they’re not on shift. The split shift system worked better for me but not my partner, or the feeling of closeness in our relationship, so now 95% of the time we just both get up every time he wakes. However, my partner goes back to work again tomorrow (office job - works 8.30 - 5 from garden office).

I really struggle to sleep in the same space as our baby - I wake frequently, feel really anxious and find it really difficult to get to sleep. Napping in the same space as him during the day is impossible.

Last night I asked my partner if we could do a split shift for a few nights as I was so exhausted and having palpitations but his response was just no as it’s not fair on him to have to do a days work on 4 hours of sleep. And then he said it would be better if I decided to go back to work and for him to take the shared leave instead.

He’s gone back on his comments this morning, however part of me feels incredible hurt that he has so little faith in my ability to parent he’d prefer I didn’t do it, and the other half of me feels completely broken because I think he might actually be right.

I don’t really have any maternal feelings. I do love our little guy but haven’t experienced any of those ‘bursting with love’ feelings that everyone talks about. He’s been such a long time coming - over 10 years and during that time I had two failed rounds of IVF with a previous partner and current partner and I lost our daughter at 21 weeks of pregnancy. I feel terrible that I’ve pursued this dream for so long and that now it’s come to fruition I’ve struggled so much with being a parent.

Has anyone else cut their maternity leave short and gone back to work early? If so, how did it work out for you?

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear that you aren't getting full support from your partner. I to struggled with second and didn't get the same overwhelming sensations as I did with my first child. This will come with time. I went back to work after taking 6 months off, and it meant that partner had to step up and help out. Sadly in his case, he was a functioning alcoholic and I chose to walk away, he had no faith in my abilities as a mother and always said that I never succeed as a mother on my own. But you can, and one day you will marvel at how well you have done. You have got this and if you wish to go back to work early, then I think you should. It is a big juggling game, you will learn to become more organised that you would have ever imagined haha. I am pleased that I went back to early.

Acknowledge the part in you that believes that your partner is right, but leave it be, it is useless, you carried this child for a long period of time, nurtured that child and your body, that in itself proves that are more than capable as a mother, you can do this, as hard as parenting can be, you will be there for your baby, there is a big stigma around mothers and working, sadly this day in age, mothers have to work, but it is also good for us, it allows us to reflect, be adults, and come home and being a parent, it helps with those emotions, it did with me, only when i started working again did i feel those rush of emotions for my second child.

I believe that you are a wonderful parent. You can do this, you have got this <3 much love x

It's hard on no sleep however I'm not sure how returning to work early would help. It's hard looking after a baby on no sleep, but I found it so much harder working on no sleep. I returned to work early due to covid, I didn't really have a choice but I really wish I'd taken longer.

DH and I have barely had 4 hours a night for the last 2.5 years, it's how parenting is for some people and it's unfair he won't give you a break at all. Could he do more on weekends if he doesn't work then? But also it doesn't sound like he would prefer you didn't parent, just that he is trying to get out of doing night duties while he is working.

OP, even if you did return to work do you really think your wonderful DP will do all the night wakes and not ask you for help and let you sleep? Like hell would he.

he sounds like a horrible unsupportive arse! How dare he tell people he doesn’t think you’d cope! No wonder you felt hurt

if you want to stay with your baby, please please please do not return to work until you feel ready to. You’ll only get this maternity leave with your baby the once.

I haven’t gone back to work early but my partner and I did split shifts even though he worked full time.

During the early months he kept the baby downstairs with him while I went to bed early. I would then do midnight to 7 and he would take the baby again for an hour or so before work.

If your partner works from home and has zero commute then there’s really no reason for him not to do split shifts with you.

We changed the arrangement as our baby’s sleep improved. When he started to do longer stretches of sleep I took on a bit more of week day nights as it became easier for me to manage. Now that he only has one wake up a night we take turns, as it’s perfectly reasonable for him to do a day’s work with only one wake up (or a 5am start).

Summary: he should be doing more not forcing you back to work.

I agree your partner should be doing much more. You should be sharing the night unless there is a real safety issue related to your partners job (if he was a surgeon or needed to drive long distances for example) as you are also working during the day. For the first 10 weeks or so we did split shifts with DH doing 9-1am with DD in the living room before bringing her Moses basket into the bedroom so I had at least 4 hr of uninterrupted sleep. I then did the rest of the night. At some point she became harder to put down at night so we swapped to putting her down in the bedroom and tried to introduce a bit of a bedtime routine. Around this time I developed terrible insomnia and couldn’t sleep after the first wake up. My DH then volunteered to do a few nights to give me a break but he goes back to sleep much easier than I do and we are down to one wake up which DH does most nights (and I do bedtime). You need to find what works for you as a family.

Only go back to work early if it’s really what you want and don’t make the decision on a bad day or when you are feeling down on yourself. The early days are hard and you’re doing a great job.

It’s still so early do I wouldn’t even think about cutting your leave short yet - give yourself more time before deciding. You are still recovering from the birth and it takes a awhile for hormones to settle down.

Just finding the night wakeups tough is not a reason by itself to go back to work early. It’s just one small part of caring for your baby. If you do all want to sleep in the same room things that might help you sleep are ear plugs, moving the crib further from the bed (not having it directly beside your side of the bed) or white noise. Some of the hyper awareness might reduce over time as well. I have slept so much better having the crib on DH’s side of the bed and also knowing that he will get up. We gave discussed alternating who does bedtime and who does the night feed but at the moment DH prefers the night feed and it is working for us.

I suspect all that will happen if you go back to work is that you end up doing the nights as well as working. Your partner sounds very unsupportive and unhelpful, frankly. Was he like this before the baby?