Please tell me how to cope better with my 20 month old daughter's boundry pushing

[BroccoliSpears]

I find it more frustrating than I should.

She's just a normal, energetic, happy little thing, pushing me to the end of my tether because that's her job. I, on the other hand, am bursting into tears daily and had to leave her safely in the sitting room and go and scream into my pillow yesterday. In the heat of the moment I seem to take it personally when she won't get into her car seat / put her tights on / stop showering milk all over the carpet.

I am mostly a reasonable and competent mum.

I need some strategies to continue being reasonable and competent when I'm being kicked in the stomach, screamed at, whinged at etc.

The bigger picture is okay I think. I know what is likely to trigger an Unfortunate Episode, and explain to her what's going to happen, how it's going to work, why we're doing it. I let her be involved in small decisions. I allow plenty of time. I walk away if neither of us are getting anywhere, and try again a short while later. I try and be low key and jolly.

Then when it still all goes wrong I fall to pieces and am utterly rubbish. I plead, I cry, I bargain, I strop ("FINE! We won't go to the blinking park then if you won't put your wellies on!") I really try and keep it together but I don't always manage to. It scares me how quickly the situation flips and I feel like she's in charge - that is NOT the parent I want to be. I hate myself for finding her so unimaginably fricking frustrating, because she's only 1 and I'm the grown up. My god I could run screaming into the woods and never return sometimes though.

No pleading.
Bargaining must ONLY be on your terms, and should start with a positive option rather than a ngative one...such as
" do you wnat to go to the park?" (positive)
"yes"
"then put your wellies on"
"no"
"no park then"
"ok, wellies on"
"ok, good girl, off to the park then"
(I give 2 or 3 chances at this, then would say no park...and would not go to the park)
I think if you say "no park if you don't put your wellie son...it can start a tantrum or make it worse as they start focussing on "not park" rather than "park.
Oh god am I making sense or talking poncey rubbish?!

If she hits you/kicks you - stop immediately, hold her still, look into eyes and say " no hitting" or similar in stern tone.

As soon as she stops being awkward, immediately plaster on happy smiley mum face and tell her she is a really good girl.

Oh, and for what it's worth, it is hugely sodding frustrating and bloody exhausting!

The other advice I got, was where possible, to give a choice; as in

'Do you want to put on your red or your green tights'

oh, I just re-read, you are already doing that....

Your darling baby is officially a toddler. And without wanting to be the voice of doom, the boundary pushing usually gets worse before it gets better.

For me the most important thing of all was acknowledging that while in many ways ds was still babyish, he was not longer a baby. That was kind of sad, but also kind of a release because it meant that I could concentrate on strategies for dealing with a toddler.

It sounds like you are already using very good strategies for dealing with a toddler. One of my favourites with ds (now 3) is presenting all activities with two options eg:

1. Shall I put you in the carseat or will you do it by yourself (he always chooses "by myself", it takes a bit longer, but we avoid the struggle)

2)Which pair of tights do you want to wear today (ok ds didn't wear tights, but ykwim), the pink or the red?

3. Will we stay indoors and read a book or will you come with me to the park? If we go to the park you have to wear your wellies, but if we stay at home we are going to sit quietly and read.

The trick is to always present the thing you want to do as SLIGHTLY more appealing.

This method is not foolproof, toddlers DO have meltdowns from time to time.

Also, at around 18 mths I introduced the "thinking chair". Whenever ds had a strop I placed him on the chair and told him that he was going on the thinking chair for a minute until he calmed down, I would then leave him in the next room for a minute - if he left the chair I just put him back on it.

Even now if he is getting stroppy all I usually have to do is mention the thinking chair and he usually comes around to doing things my way .

Of course I have also had to develop a thick skin (yesterday ds cried all the way home from nursery, he was upset because he was tired and overstimulated) I just had to ignore the screaming until I got him home, fed and into bed for a nap. He was bright an breezy again when he woke up.

These are the things that work for me, I am sure others will have their strategies to offer too. Most of all, remember that parenting is hard but you are not alone(I have shed my share of tears too) and you are doing your very best for your dd and seeking help when the going gets a bit tough so don't be so hard on yourself!
Best wishes

Oh this is totaly frustrating isn't it? I also despair at my own reaction - it drives me batty! I use the choices a lot but dd will often refuse a 'nice' choice just out of shere contrariness and that breaks my heart when she is then disappointed and I have to explain that we didn't do X because she said 'no'.

Apart from that I have had some relief with distractions of particular kinds - there are certain kinds of things that work with dd (NOT the TV as then we have the meltdown of turning it off again). It's a matter of finding the stuff that works for your particular child.

The hardest part though - is just trying to chill about it and not get worked up yourself and then feel terrible and so on and on.

Mostly, you probably know the strategies- it's more about having the day to day stamina. Are you getting enough breaks for yourself? Does anyone else ever take over so you can have a lie-in, walk in the park, night out with your friends?

I did find at this age a lot of hassle could be avoided by being very hands-on. If she doesn't get in the car seat, just put her in it. If she plays with the milk, just take it away. If she doesn't put her coat on when told, just shove her arms in and button it up. If she won't come out with you, just take her by the hand and walk off. If you think about it, this is how nursery school teachers work. Endless arguing will give her the impression she can manipulate you. Much better to let her gradually come to the conclusion that when Mummy says something that is actually what ends up being done. Makes you into more of an authority figure.

Good to know I'm not alone in struggling with this.

I use choices, which are helpful but not foolproof, of course. ("Would you like red tights or pink tights darling?" "NO!" )

I think my main problem is not keeping my cool when things inevitably kick off. With all the calm, considered parenting in the world, sometimes a toddler is just going to meltdown. I wish I was better at not getting caught up and taking it personally when it happens. I suppose it's partly because my little girl is upset so at a subconcious level I'm not at my most rational.

How do you remain outwardly calm and dispassionate when your little angel is screaming, fighting, choking, wailing, kicking...? Surely then, more than ever, is when she needs to know that mummy is in control and in charge?

V good point about just doing it anyway cory. I'm slightly disadvantaged at the mo as am very pregnant and struggling with pelvis pain. When she fights and kicks, I can't always physically cope. Wrestling her into the car seat is getting beyond me.

DP keeps pointing out that if I weren't pregnant I'd probably be coping a lot easier with this stage.

My dd is a very big strong girl and I am reluctant to manhandle her to the degree it takes. I do it for some things - like putting coat and shoes on.

How do you remain calm? Really hard that one. I think you have to be already planning your zen-like reaction before it happens. Don't let it sneak up on you. And if all else fails just walk away and/or don't say anything at all.

A bit of annoyance though is probably reasonable - after all - they are learning about the consequences of their actions in the world - and that is one of them!

Playing a game might help? You know, for example, can you find your welly? It's hiding under something...maybe that cushion...Quick!!!put it on before it runs off!!
Sounds silly but can work.
Just take the milk off her and walk away. Let her scream it out for a while as you calmly and repeatedly tell her why
Be easy on yourself and do what's necessary only- pg and looking after a toddler is exhausting. Hard to keep your sense of humour, too.
Is there a particular trigger for her behaviour that you could work on?

I would really advocate some kind of thinking chair/naughty step approach, because it gives you time to calm down too! You just have to remain calm enough to tell her that her behaviour is unreasonable and that she is going to have some "time out", once you have put her on the chair/ step use the minute to go into another room and mutter swear words under your breath, (works for me ).

If you can't lift her then it is better if you find other strategies, I agree.

Rantmum- does that really work for you with dc this age? (not critical, just curious)

It worked with my dc from about 18 mths (I only left him for 1 minute then, now that he is 3 he sits for 3 minutes). It was amazing because I thought for sure that he would move off the chair, but he just sat there and gradually calmed down. I think that it works because you are depriving them of attention (and nothing inspires a toddler to strop like getting a reaction). So Mrsr, yes it did work for me, but all children are different so I am not suggesting it would work for everyone, but maybe for a pg mum trying to cope with a toddler it might be worth a try - of course I did many of the other things that other people have suggested too, but if it all got too much, a time out was a good "final straw tactic" for both of us - it calmed him down and helped me regain control of the situation.

I need to focus on this sort of stuff much more with DD than I ever did with DS who was (a) easier and (b) didn't have to work around an older sibling's timetable.

I can sympathise with the pg bit - DS was 3 when I was pg with DD, so much easier to reason with, but there were still times when I was utterly stuck because I would normally have picked him up and put him somewhere and I had been told in no uncertain terms by the doctors that I couldn't lift him.

Is she mature enough that a "Mummy can't lift you up just now, so if you won't put your wellies on by yourself then we can't go to the park" appeal might work?

Cutting of their noses to spite their faces doesn't stop though, I am afraid. DS still does it at 5

Cory I am with you. I suppose some might consider it a bit hard but I dont really discuss things that have to be done. I just do them. However I do give a lot of choices for nice things like whats for dinner and pudding etc, I let them choose things when we are out shopping and whatever activities they would like to do etc. I dont reason about putting on shoes, coats, getting in the buggy or the car seat etc. These things have to be done so if they dont when I ask, then I do them and thats that. There will be plenty of time for negotiation when they are older I am sure.

Thinking of alternatives to the conflicts.

If you've offered an alternative which you prefer and the child still wants NO wellies and NO tights, then you could always say "fine! I'll bring them along for if you want them" and go to the park, with an extra blanket in the bottom of the buggy just in case.

If child puts a foot on the ground and feels it's cold, and doesn't like it, then just (without "I told you so"), help them pop on their tights and wellies. Or just tights (some children go through a stage of wanting no shoes on. Some parents just pack a spare pair of tights for when the sopping ones get rejected. The phase passes pretty soon). Or tights and shoes.

Often, I think these conflicts are because mum is thinking half an hour ahead and child just doesn't GET IT. It's crazy. Here we are in the nice warm house and you want me to put my coat on?! wuh???!!!

So you just take the coat along, and put it on once the child gets cold. And as they get older, they'll gradually pick up the idea that whenever we go out to the park in wintertime, I always feel cold 35 seconds after leaving the house, so maybe I could put my coat on before we go...

I was PG when my DD started this stage too and it was tough. Ultimately I think I turned a bit Supernanny on her. I'd ask nicely eg. "Put your coat on sweetheart" if she didn't "Either put on your coat or we are not going / or you will go on the naughty step" then follow through. When she did something good I heaped and heaped on the praise.

If appropriate and she was just acting up then I'd turn my back and walk away talk to the cat just to hihglight the fact that I was ignoring her. Then when she started to be good I'd very deliberately give lots of attention.

I never left stuff to chance - lots of warnings like "In a minute we will go to the supermarket". Two minute warning when a nice activity will end - soft play, bath etc. No surprises she knew my expectations constantly.

We came out the other end. The naughty step worked for me.

Staying calm is really really hard work. Sometimes, if it has been a particularly difficult day I

• imagine I'm being filmed on TV (how would I want to be seen)
• repeat 'stay calm, stay calm, stay calm' for the duration of the tantruming
• persuade myself to see how funny they look when tantrumming, face going red, legs flapping, it really can be quite comical
• walk away, or sit down and close my eyes, counting slowly to ten, breathe deeply
• sing to myself, I can't grit my teeth when I sing so I have to relax
• work out a really complicated sum or try and spell a word backwards, something that means I really have to concentrate on it and use auto pilot for the dd task

Its not easy.

1st time we used "facingthewall" ( like naughty step but soooo portable and APs live in bungalow) with our 20 m/o he refused to stop facing the wall when his minute was up :-) then had major strop about that too.
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