Starting baby early at daycare - comfort, advice, something?

[orangehour]

I’m not sure what I’m posting for here but need to get this out somewhere.

DD2 is 3.5 months now. It was a bit of a journey to have her with quite a bit of heartbreak along the way, and she is a really beautiful baby who I love so much (obviously). I had given up hope of having her so was not in a good work situation when I got pregnant, so I have no maternity leave and am self-funding that as well as receiving statutory government payments for a while (I’m in Australia). These are due to stop soon.

Cost of living has skyrocketed here, like everywhere, and I have a lot of expenses - DD1 daycare, a fussy dog, swimming lessons, not to mention Christmas coming up. I worry about money every day and I think I have to go back to work soon.
I’m devastated and guilty. And I want to be with my baby. I mentioned this to my partner today and he said he would take the kids this afternoon while I work on my resume. How did I get into this situation? Maybe I was fishing for more financial support without being straightforward. He was looking at me like an animal in the zoo and didn’t seem to know what to say.

I know a lot of people have it worse than me so I’m sorry for having a whinge. Just feeling like a failure and a crap mum and like I don’t deserve my lovely kids at all. Will I damage my baby sending her into nursery so young?
Thanks for reading, from a totally overwrought lady.

Would you earn more than daycare costs?
Unless absolutely necessary there's no way of put a tiny baby in daycare.

Isn't your partner paying for stuff? He does realise it's his family too not just your responsibility?

Could you look at things you could get rid of to help with money -

If you are staying at home do u need daycare for Dd1? What age is she?

Health insurance - if you have it could you get rid

Public pools are cheap - can you and Dp not teach Dd1 to swim?

Streaming services

Spotify/Apple music

Where do you shop? Could you shop somewhere cheaper?

Do you use formula? If so is it a fancy one/could you look switching to a cheaper one.

What type of nappies do you use? Woolworths own brand are great a fraction of the price of huggies/baby love

Do u have two cars? Do you need two cars?

And just to add my baby went at 3 months because I didnt even get gov mat leave (we weren't residents at the time). Baby is now very happy lively toddler but the amount of illnesses that first year of daycare was really difficult

My first started at 4 months. He was an unhealthy baby with allergies and severe reflux, and food and milk aversion. Nursery was brilliant for him - he started eating there at 1.5 years old (2 years at home...), and because he was the smallest, he was absolutely doted on. The ladies from the other rooms would visit him throughout the day for baby cuddles. He's almost 4 now, much more healthy, pretty well balanced, although he would of course prefer to be home than there (on days his 2 best friends aren't in)!

In some other counties, babies start nursery much earlier than here. It's not something to self blame, if it's not optional for you to be at home. Baby needs a roof and heat/food first. It wasn't optional for me either due to my industry and being the higher earner plus mortgage, but I did compressed hours to minimise his time there. So does my dp.

Have you had a frank talk with your dp about finances?

Many of my friends have sent their children to nursery at that age. It’s perfectly normal in many countries, and my friends’ children are great. There’s no need to feel guilty.

You might get better advice asking somewhere with a more American user base. Lots of people there go back to work at 8 or 12 weeks (some even sooner) because there’s no government maternity leave.

r/newparents on Reddit is full of Americans

Can you ask your partner again in a more straightforward way? You're a team. Make a plan together -- see how long you can afford to stay home with baby if that's what you really want. But if you do go back to work, of course you're not a bad mum! Your baby will love it.

I appreciate all these thoughtful responses so much and they’ve helped more than you know! I’ll give everything that’s been said a lot of careful thought.

I wish we could change how we communicate and do a better job, but we seem like a lost cause sometimes in this department. Does anybody else find open and honest conversation with their partner so mysteriously difficult when it should be easy??