Restarting contact

[SpinningFloppa]

My children’s father would like to have contact with them again after 2 years absence, what is the best way to go about this as I’m not sure how best to start it again? Obviously I would need to be there but how many times? Just the first time? Where should they meet? He tried to invite them to the cinema but I don’t think that’s right for a first meet. I told him I want them to build up contact again slowly with them on the phone first which has been happening since last month but how long should we do that before meeting him? He hasn’t spoken to my oldest or youngest just my 2 middle children, what should I tell my younger child as she doesn’t remember him at all and my oldest has autism and can struggle to understand. Has anyone been in this situation and how did you manage it?

Can he start popping in to the house, rather than putting the pressure on a trip out.

That’s an idea although I would prefer to not have him in my house as we’ve had issues with him at my house in the past so I would ideally like to make it clear contact isn’t taking place in my house from the start so thinking somewhere public might be better.

I’d say just meet for a coffee type situation, somewhere that the kids can wander off if it’s getting too much. And if you’re there they can leave immediately if they want to. Take the pressure off.

How old are the DC and do they want to meet him?

Where has he been for 2 years? They're even allowed contact in Prison so I can't really see what his excuse would be?

No not been in prison, (although wouldn’t take my kids there if he had been tbh) Absent through choice, he doesn’t have an excuse he just didn’t want to see them. The children are aged between 11-5

No not been in prison, (although wouldn’t take my kids there if he had been tbh) Absent through choice, he doesn’t have an excuse he just didn’t want to see them. The children are aged between 11-5

Just wow. He sounds like a Prince.

After that kind of absence through choice I'd be worried about the damage it would do to the DC if he disappears again.

Tell him there's nothing more that you'd like than fir him to have a good relationship with the DC but it's in his interests if he has a formal arrangement and he should apply for a Child Arrangements Order.

If you've had problems with him in the past. Is there a Restraining Order in place?

No no issues of abuse just him only wanting to see the children if he can see that at my house (he is unable to take them to his) so previously he wouldn’t see them unless he could come to my house for contact so I want to put my foot down from the start that contact isn’t taking place in my house.

My children’s father would like to have contact with them again after 2 years absence

What do the children want though? What's in their best interests?

He needs to rebuild their trust and show reliability and consistency. He can't expect to just swan in to do the odd Disney Dad fun trip out.

So is he just going to walk out of their lives again the next time he doesn't get his own way?

Why can't he take them to his house?

Is he paying Maintenance?

He lives with people so the children are unable to stay there overnight so there won’t be any overnight contact, it’s too far to travel for just a few hours.

He lives with people so the children are unable to stay there overnight so there won’t be any overnight contact, it’s too far to travel for just a few hours

Ok so did he move or you?

Personally I'd keep it at a weekly video call for a few more months and see if he adheres to that abs if he applies for a Child Arrangements Order before bending over backwards to accommodate his wants.

You do seem to still be making excuses for him. I'm just wondering if you've ever done the Freedom Programme?

We both moved but he moved first then I later moved somewhere else. I’m not making excuses for him I posted the other day saying I was unsure about starting contact again after so long and every single poster told me I was wrong and “playing games” and my children absolutely should have contact with their father despite how long he has been absent so I’m just trying to work out the best way to go about it.

That's categorically not true to say "every single poster" said you were wrong. They did not. I just read the thread and there were people strongly arguing in your defence.

You had a few nonsense middle-of-the-night posters on that thread, but also people saying what's been said here. You also noted that on the previous thread before that one that you'd had people supporting you.

Overall the consensus has been that this is a man who's repeatedly abandoned his children (not just the latest 2 year stint) and you need to act in the children's best interests not his desires.

I would make him use and pay for a contact centre to be honest.

If he used contact with the DC to be in your presence then let alone it not being in your home you shouldn't be there either.

Let him make a lot of effort and feel the financial reality of committing to building a relationship with them along with having feedback from the centre workers.

If he took you to court a contact centre for 6 months would be deemed sensible and reasonable.

Your children are of an age where you can’t dictate, and I certainly wouldn’t be risking my relationship with them for the sake of someone useless and inconsistent.

Before you do anything you need to ask what they want, and how they think it should happen.

Did you read the same thread, it was all posters other than about 2! I was told I was playing games and using my children as a pawn and it’s “in my children’s best interest” doesn’t matter that he hasn’t seen them for 2 years.

I stopped my DDs father seeing her after his 3rd time of going AWOL when she was 6. We split when she was 1, he was ok at first, regular(ish) contact until for a year. After that, every time he met a new woman he abandoned DD for nights out, weekends away, holidays abroad, concerts - just disappeared without a word for a year or year and a half .

He tried to plead innocence and that he was "going through a tough time again" when he eventually returned again, thinking he'd just carry on where he'd left off. I'd had enough, he was damaging my DD so I told him to take it to court...of course he didn't. He clearly only wanted contact to look good to his family and friends. Btw...the contact was for 3 hours on a Monday - he said he worked too much to see her more- he worked Monday - Friday 9-5.

DD is 12 now and thriving, she doesn't miss him but does remember him coming back a few times. I so regret that. I should never have allowed him to flit in and out.

Unfortunately on my last post despite what pp said the vast majority of posters told me he should be allowed to come in and out as much as he wants and I have no rights to stop that so I have to take on board what the vast majority of the comments said about allowing contact regardless of how inconsistent he has been (he’s never had any consistent contact) seeing their father once a year is apparently a “treat” they can look forward to. So I will have to go through with it and just be there to pick up the pieces again.

Unfortunately on my last post despite what pp said the vast majority of posters told me he should be allowed to come in and out as much as he wants and I have no rights to stop that so I have to take on board what the vast majority of the comments said about allowing contact regardless of how inconsistent he has been (he’s never had any consistent contact) seeing their father once a year is apparently a “treat” they can look forward to. So I will have to go through with it and just be there to pick up the pieces again.

So what you're saying is that you'll allow him contact, even though it goes against your judgement and you're pretty sure that he'll disappear again and the effect will damage your DC just because a few people on the internet, who you've never met, think that you should?

If you won't tell him to apply for a Child Arrangements Order at least ask the CAB what your rights are.

Well I took advice and most people thought I was wrong and using my children as pawns and I can’t just “change my mind” he wouldn’t take me to court.

If he won't take you to Court for an Order, is he even that bothered about seeing his DC?

You're being daft now. Why do you "have to" do that because a few internet randoms said so? You are responsible for your own decisions.

More people have said it is more important to act in your children's best interests if we also include the thread before that.

Why are you so determined to only listen to the few people who attacked you rather than the many more people who supported you?

The tiny number of people picking fault with you in the middle of the night don't care what you do next and won't have to answer for the consequences. That's on you. Make your own decisions.

Go to a cafe. You can sit at another table incase your dc are unsettled. I doubt the 5 yo will remember him. Keep him out of your home. He screwed that arrangement last time.

That’s the thing I posted and was told I shouldn’t restart contact again as he’s been absent too long and if he wants contact he can take me to court but not to let him walk back in again. I started to agree with the comments and he has been doing things I don’t feel comfortable with like messaging the children at midnight, asking my kids to meet up, not asking me if it’s ok but asking them to come to the cinema with him, then asking my 8 year old if he is allowed to go to the park on his own, when he told him he wasn’t allowed my ex is implying I’m mean and doing a crying face! I can see we are likely to clash with parenting and he has been absent for a long time so I don’t want someone who is basically a stranger to my kids coming back in and dictating things to me which is why I posted again saying I had second thoughts and suddenly a complete U turn in the comments.