School issue

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I’m needing a bit of advice and some differing perspectives. Bit of a long one…

My 9 year old daughter recently went on a residential trip (out of school). She was VERY anxious about the trip because she has never stayed overnight away from us. I had to discuss the issue with the group leader at least three times. Each time she assured me it would be fine and they would help her with through it and if it became too much they would contact me. On the first night, my daughter didn’t sleep a wink because of her anxiety and ended up getting out of bed at 01:00 in the morning and she started getting ready for the day (she thought it was 06:00 and she didn’t have a watch) Her friend got up with her and they got dressed and were caught in the bathroom whilst they were brushing their teeth (they were sent back to bed) The next day the leader reprimanded them severely and told them if she had caught them she would have called their parents and sent them home at 01:00. The next day when I picked her up, NOTHING was said to me. I had to be told by my daughter.I did discuss it with her and she was made to understand that she shouldn’t have got out of bed until told too, but I also understood the role her anxiety played in her decision making that night. She isn’t a naughty girl and is in all honesty quite afraid of the dark, so I can’t imagine they were going to head off anywhere? I then had a phone call from the mother of the other child involved informing me that she was furious as to what had happened and that she no longer wanted her daughter and my daughter to play together as her daughter was making bad decisions whilst friends with mine (not sure how to take that). But the problem we now have is that the two girls were quite close at school and now my daughter is being impacted by this punishment. She is being isolated at school from their mutual friends and being told that she has to go play somewhere else and when mutual friends are choosing to play with my daughter the other girl is bursting into tears which then causes huge upsets. I’m trying to understand all of this? I’m not a permissive parent who doesn’t discipline. I’m actually quite the opposite. I had a chat with the mother involved, but I felt she was incredibly condescending and implied that I parent “differently”. I feel awful, like I’m a terrible parent because I didn’t go off at my daughter. And now she is suffering at school because of a punishment we had no say or agreement in?

Crikey. The other mum has completely over reacted here, I am really sorry for your daughter. The getting up in the night thing doesn't sound like a massive deal to me, at least they were together and when they were found they went back to bed so that doesn't sound terribly eventful. Who knows why the mum has said this, parents say all manner of weird and wonderful things to their children. I don't know if it will make much difference but you could explain what has happened to school and see if they can help at all. I wouldn't talk to the other mum again, she sounds pretty mean.

You need to speak to the teacher OP. It's not ok for your DD to be excluded by her friends, but this is quite common at this age and the teacher should have some strategies for dealing with it.

If your daughter was that anxious about the trip, why on earth did you send her?

The telling off about getting out of bed is not the issue. Are you saying that her friend has fallen out with her because of it?

She is suffering at school because the other mother sounds odd. There is nothing you can do about this other than asking school to encourage her to play with other students.

Well at the moment it sounds like both parents only have their own daughter's versions of events. Neither child sounds happy so a chat with the teacher is the only way to go. Is this the same teacher who told them off on the residential? If not your teacher might want to get his/her input as well.

Theres no reason why your dd shouldn’t have been told off for getting up in the middle of the night unless she was distressed enough to need a teacher. If she was merrily brushing her teeth with her friend when it was discovered then went back to bed fine, and was fine the following night, surely you can see why the teachers wouldn’t put it down to anxiety that she couldn’t manage.

The other mum might not have handled this well, but it’s worth seeing it from her perspective. Her dd will have told her that your dd woke her up in the middle of the night and got her to get dressed for no reason. If she thought it was appropriate to call you she probably went off on one at the school too. They shouldn’t be enforcing her wish for your dd and hers to stay apart though. That is not something a parent should have the power to control within school, and the school staff should be encouraging friends to play together but make good choices at the same time.