Mum support - am I failing?

[Kmwa]

I am just posting on here for some support from other Mums.

I am a Mum of two beautiful kids, they are my absolute world. I was raised by my single Dad and the only girl of 4 children with no communication from my Mum who left us since the age of 7. I feel this is playing a role in me trying so hard to be the "Perfect" Mum to my two children, (boy age 5 and girl 20months).

My husband has surprised me with a night away for my birthday this weekend and I have had the most anxious few days at the thought of leaving them. They will be in their normal comfort of our own home, with my MIL and FIL who are fanstastic I don't have females on my side of the family to help out) and I am so nervous. Times like this I wish I had my own mum, or a sister, but I dont. Part of me is feeling like I am neglecting my kids by leaving them. It is my own insecurities, probably arising from my past and trying everything I can to make sure my kids don't ever feel neglected by me.

I provide them with fun, happy, playful times, baking, we spend most of our time outdoors adventuring and juat having fun in the counteyside where we live. But if i have a day where I don't feel like they had a fun day, I end up feeling guilty, that I am not doing enough to make them happy. If i ever raise my voice for any misbehaviour, I feel guilty. At the end of the day, I know they are happy, I see they are happy and well cared for but I have such fear of failing them as a parent.

I understand Mum guilt, but I feel like trying to be the best Mum I can be and avoid any chance of them experiencing the feelings I experienced as a child with no Mum in my life, that i am failing. It's a feeling I am struggling trying to overcome. Sometimes I seek clarification from my 5 year old, sometimes I ask him if I am a good Mummy, would he like me to be better and how can I be a better Mummy.

I just want to do my absolute best, but I feel like I am failing in myself.

I think you’re absolutely right that this is past insecurities playing into the present. It’s okay to feel the anxiety but it doesn’t mean you need to live your life by it.

You could reassure yourself that it’s okay to feel it, and you can do things bit by bit to practice tolerating the anxiety. So maybe that means going away for a short time, and you see that your kids are perfectly fine, and next time you can tolerate a bit more anxiety and go away for a longer time etc. Your body will learn over time that it’s safe to be away from your kids, that they are well looked after, and that you feel rested and able to be a better mum for having time to yourself.

Have a look at sarahbcoaching on Instagram - she’s great for explaining trauma trapped in the body, understanding the nervous system and how to move towards making tolerable steps to the things you want to do.

I understand why you’re asking your son if you’re a good mum, but try not to put your need for reassurance onto him when he’s so young. Can you practice reassuring yourself and looking for natural evidence that your children are happy, like what you’ve said here?

Thank you for this. I'll definately take a look at sarahbcoaching.
Yes, I agree, it would be better to look at the natural evidence. I don't know why in the moment I feel like the words are more reassuring, but actions do definitely speak louder than words. You are right!

I find myself trying to over explain, (to my 5 year old as we can communicate, and obviously my 20month old isnt at that stage yet) why I raised may have raised my voice in a situation of misbehaviour, like many parents experience with children, you know just the normal little 5 year old mishaps, even though I really am blessed. They are fantastic children. I am then apologising for doing so and worry after if I have caused upset. I find myself dwelling on it after they are gone to bed and the guilt. I just feel like a terrible Mum. When I try to explain why I raised my voice, i explain in ways like "what you were doing was dangerous and you weren't listening to me" "I raised my voice because I care" "I just want you to have fun and not snatch off of your friends" etc etc, I know it's me justifying for myself but part of me feels, if I explain this then my 5 year old will understand that this is me trying to be a good mum.

The worry am I being a good enough Mum, is making me feel like it's impacting me being one.

Yes I can see your anxiety is getting in the way! You have all the right intentions and care for them though, and they will feel that.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing to raise your voice. You might have perceived a raised voice as a bad thing when you were a child because of the setting you were raised in - it sounds like overall you felt insecure in that setting.

But your kids are growing up in a different setting - I would guess a mainly secure and happy one from what you’ve said! So they might not feel the same about a raised voice as you do and might be much more resilient to that experience than you were.

Please go and have an amazing time this weekend. Your kids will be fine with PIL. It's so nice to have some time off and not have to worry about if they've got a drink and a snack or if anyone needs the toilet.

Have you had therapy? I think it might be really useful to deal with your own trauma. I don't think it's fair to ask a child for reassurance, that's not their job, but I can see why would need that. Therapy might help you with your anxiety and being able to have more confidence in your own abilities. As for shouting, I think many of us try not to shout and fail often. I shouted yesterday because I'd been up all night with my 2yo who then launched his cereal across the dining room. It's just being human, we say sorry and try to do better, we're learning how to parent at the same time as they're learning how to be.

You sound like a lovely mum and you deserve to be confident and happy.

You sound like a lovely mum as as you've already identified, this anxiety about always being perfect isn't healthy. Please go and enjoy your trip while the kids are with their GPS.

Definitely think about some therapy for yourself, I'd hate for this anxiety to always keep the children happy (it's not possible, or indeed healthy- they need to experience ups and downs of life you can't shield them from everything- BUT you can be there to support and encourage when things DO inevitably go wrong for them!)

You also run the risk of raising spoilt children who may walk all over you which would be awful for all of you. It's a balance- you deffo have the right motives and love in abundance. Good luck

Thank you everyone. I understand looking for reassurance from my children isn't a good thing, which prompted me to come on here and talk with other mums/women about it. Sometimes it's easier to open up to strangers and have an outside opinion, so I am very grateful of each of your replies 🫶

We are going today and they are super excited for Nanna to come over and look after them, which makes me happy that they are happy. My 5 year old even told me "it will be nice because you and Daddy get to spend time together". The supportive messages from you all are helpful.

Thanks again.

There’s some great advice here already but just wanted to say the fact that you’re even worrying about this and asking others if you are a good mum shows that you are.

I have no experience with what you went through with your mum leaving but it seems like that’s taught you more about how to be a good mum than anything else, you’ll be conscious of what you needed from a mum but never got and you’ll be going out of your way to give that to your kids now.

I wouldn’t pretend to understand any of your feelings from growing up like this but maybe you can turn it into a positive thing now. Personally I grew up witnessing my uncle cause multiple problems for my family, he was heavily into drugs and developed serious mental health problems from the drug abuse, he was in and out of prison his whole life and caused my family a lot of heartache. And though I hate all that he is and all he has done, I use his example of how not to live my life, and I’ll use his example to teach DD about the dangers of living that way, I never once bought into the peer pressure of smoking, drinking, drugs, or believed it was anything more than a one way trip down a very dark path.
Use your mums terrible example of how not to be a mum and give your kids everything she never gave you.

take the break, enjoy it and relax knowing your kids are well cared for.

The fact your 5 year old wants you and his dad to have a nice time shows what a smashing job you've done so far- what a lovely little boy!

Sometimes I seek clarification from my 5 year old, sometimes I ask him if I am a good Mummy, would he like me to be better and how can I be a better Mummy.

I’m not judging you for doing this, because sometimes I do the same to my kid, but I don’t think it’s always healthy to give them that much power.

In my case it’s driven by insecurity but it’s like sometimes I provide “meta-information”. For example, I don’t just say “No” to something, I’d also add “Good mummies don’t say yes to everything and it wouldn’t be good for you to say yes to this,” I feel I really need to stop this!!

But overall you sound like a lovely, attentive and caring mum!