I am 41, DH 47. We have been together 10 years, married 7 and have a DS aged 18 months. DH and I have been through a great deal during our time together- DH being unemployed for a year not long after we got together, the death of my MIL to cancer a year after we married, and a very long, hard fertility struggle that concluded in my giving birth to our son not long before my 40th birthday. Our journey to parenthood took 6 years and involved an initial struggle to conceive, 2 natural pregnancies that ended in miscarriage, a disastrous round of IVF on the NHS that left me with sepsis, endless testing and finally, at a cost of £££, IVF at a private clinic that resulted in a number of frozen embryos, one of which became our little boy. He was born by C-section after a failed induction. Six days later, I had a massive post-partum haemorrhage in the middle of the night and was rushed to hospital where I collapsed again in a pool of blood, in front of DH. After losing an estimated 2.5 litres of blood, I had a blood transfusion and emergency surgery to remove blood clots from my uterus.
In the first few weeks after DS’s birth, DH struggled emotionally- he was very traumatised by the haemorrhage and said that he didn’t enjoy being a dad at all, whilst doing more than his fair share practically (nappies, feeding bottles of expressed milk to DS, night wakings etc). Fast forward to the present day and DS is a happy, cheeky toddler, who sleeps well and loves nursery. DH is in a much better place than he was and enjoys playing with DS but is easily frustrated by his toddler behaviours, particularly around meal times, and says he find looking after him exhausting and unenjoyable.
Why the long story? Context… I really want a second child. Partly because I grew up with a sibling and would like DS to have the benefits of another child at home. Partly because I feel sad for him that he has older parents and many end up alone in the world at a relatively young age. He doesn’t have cousins and it doesn’t appear likely that that will change. We would be using a frozen embryo, so the level of genetic risk would be that which existed 2 years ago. But DH is adamant that he does not want another child. Partly because he can’t face the prospect of potentially going through more trauma in connection with another birth. Partly because he doesn’t want to go through the exhaustion of the early days again. Partly because he says that while he loves DS dearly he simply ‘doesn’t enjoy’ looking after him.
Ultimately, if DH doesn’t want another child, we won’t have one. I love DH and wouldn’t end our relationship over this issue. But it makes me so, so sad to think that we won’t have another child. Sad for me and for DS. How do I learn to live with the sense of regret?