Please help me cope with my whingeing child!

[ontheedge2022]

Age 4, still at preschool. It's like the witching hour is back. Four days a week I don't see her between 9-3 and from 3-bedtime is non-stop whining, nothing is good enough, and I am watching myself become the parent I don't want to be (shouty, impatient, highly stressed).

I read all of the positive parenting books (I truly have them all and subscribe to various newsletters as well) and am probably that kind of parent 80% of the time, but I find the constant whining a massive trigger and I feel like I'm constantly on edge. It's awful.

I'd never ever hit of course, but I also don't want to shout I've shamefully also sworn to myself (not quietly enough). DH does share the load but is away atm and these last couple of weeks have been particularly hideous.

Just don't know how to lengthen my fuse anymore. Please help.

When my 3yr old is like this I play music nonstop and ignore 99% of the noise she makes.

But also, it sounds like she's super tired. can you massively decrease the demands on her of an evening?

Maybe she is doing too long hours at pre-school and is exhausted. My Dd is 4 and does four half days and one long day, on the long day she is a nightmare in the evening.

I usually get her to bed by 630, but she was up from 6 so pushing that back seems to have her sleeping 7pm-6:30am. Still a very early wake. You're right though, she's massively overtired. She fell asleep in 2 mins tonight (thank god).

I wish I could ignore it. It's so hard, the whine slices through me like a knife

It does sound like she may be tired. Could you try an earlier bedtime?

Cross post. Her bedtime seems pretty good for her age. Lots of calm downtime at weekends?

Ear phones.

She does 4 days 9-3 usually 3 with a gap in between, but lately we have needed that extra day for childcare. I will adjust it back next week and hopefully she will talk like a human again at least some of the evening!

Seriously though ignore the whining. Give her lots of praise and attention for good behaviour only.

Well I guess the gentle parenting handbook would say you’re triggered by behaviour you weren’t allowed to do when you were young. Then you have to examine that and work on your triggers to calm yourself so you’re not hyping each other up. Whinging is a trigger for me to so I get it!

I tell my son I don't want to talk to him if he doesn't talk nicely to me and leave the room. If he wants to follow me (which he normally does) I say he can choose a game for us to play, book to read, whatever, as long as he's pleasant. While they're being nice, give them your full attention. As soon as the whining starts again, get up and leave if you need to, telling them why. Get on with some boring housework.
You have my sympathy though, it's really draining. Does it help if you get out of the house?

OP I cold have written this. I really thought my pre-schooler had turned a corner and was just really good company but the last fortnight he’s been non-stop whinge. He’s decided he’s only eating porridge - he used to eat really well. I think he’s had back to back bugs as he just doesn’t seem himself but he’s really testing my patience. He’s embarrassed me with friends once or twice by whining and refusing to co-operate during activities we usually really enjoy together - like walks at our favourite place etc.

This morning I let him watch TV all morning and put some headphones in whilst I got on with some cleaning. I actually found both my boys got involved with it. He is refusing to go to swimming lessons (he loves it when he’s there) and I’m starting to think I CBA with the argument so o might just knock it on the head.

This evening he was hungry and demanding snacks, refused his dinner then when he did start to eat it declared it was his FAVOURITE and finished it all. Then asked for a bowl of… porridge!

This sounds worth a try for sure. I'll tell her I don't understand her when she whines! Funnily enough I took her for a scone and juice after preschool today as a surprise and despite devouring the scone she whined that she wanted a banana and crisps for her snack couldn't win today. My head still hurts!

@PeppermintChoc 😂 well hopefully he will try different things in his porridge for a hit of variety!

You've made me wonder if she's hungry even though I feel she definitely has enough. Seems to be okay while eating but then the white returns at shower/bedtime. So draining!

*bit not hit

I have considered this myself. I also thought "yes but I was told not to whinge because it's really f-ing annoying" !! So where does that leave me 😂

Mine is hungry but simultaneously refusing to eat anything. He’s suddenly become really picky. I think he’s under the weather/tired and grumpy. He had tonsillitis maybe 4 weeks ago and hasn’t been himself since. I took him to the GP twice last week - once convinced his tonsillitis had returned and once with a rash and temp. I just felt it was something more than just a bug but neither GP or nurse concerned. His tonsils are enormous and he’s snoring so badly.

I practice gentle parenting but have snapped once or twice of late. I’ve always sat down and apologised and explained why I felt overwhelmed after. He does the same so I know it’s making sense to him and helping him express himself.

Oops, whinge/whine not white!

I'd try some downtime straight after pre-school, just TV on the sofa and a snack, don't even try and engage her/reason with her. If you can, sit with her and see if she wants a cuddle but she might just want to be left alone for a bit.

I'd also try and instil a very set routine for after nursery, they whine less when they know what's coming (and that what's coming is non-negotiable!). I think that's why sometimes something that seems like a treat (scone and juice in a cafe) is actually quite stressful for them, it's the lack of routine/predictability.

Really useful thank you. I reintroduced the iPad today (I know) and she's sitting happily with it after her usual snack and drink which means I can catch up on some work!