Feel like a terrible mother

[Flo2023]

Hi,
I hope this is the right place to post this - first time poster...I am worried sick about my 10 year old daughter. Please no judgement but last night I found one of her doodle notebooks and without thinking flipped through it. I expected to find drawings etc of which I did, but I also found some really upsetting content about harming herself, how stupid she is, how people would be better off if she wasn't around. I am physically ill over this and so upset that this is how she sees herself. She is highly capable and top of her class, she has a great friend group and I thought had really progressed this last year in terms of social skills, she is in a drama group which she enjoys.... I have already made the decision not to immediately confront her as I am hoping this is pre-teen angst, and I am reaching out to a friend of a friend who is a child psychologist. My daughter has always been a deep thinker and is extremely articulate I also don't want to invade her privacy (I realize by reading it I have already)as I am hoping this is just an outlet and she isn't really going to act on any of the things she has written.Does anyone else have experience of this behavior and how did you cope? I feel like a complete failure as a parent and a mother that my child is inwardly this unhappy.....

This is not any reflection on you. I know that. I'm afraid I don't really have relevant experience though. Yes, see what your friend comes back with. Perhaps raise with her teacher in a discrete way? Sorry I can't help but I want you to not blame yourself and to still take action.

Hello, whilst I don't have any personal experience of this I work in mental health and I'd encourage you to have an open discussion with her. You could explain that you'd not been snooping but found it unintentionally and we're concerned about the content and wanted to have a safe space to discuss it. If she's writing about wanting to harm herself and potentially having suicidal thoughts then it needs discussing as you don't know if it's gone further than this i.e social media research etc. It would give her the opportunity to discuss what is causing these feelings, could feel pressure at school, bullying etc. This doesn't mean you've failed as a parent, there are so many outside factors that impact ones mental health and wellbeing, but being there for her is the most important thing.

Thank you, I now have a contact for the child psychologist and am going to reach out to them tomorrow. Thanks for your kind words.

My gut is telling me to have an open discussion but I just don't trust my gut at the moment....I feel totally overwhelmed by the situation, and I am afraid I might make things worse, I am going to push to speak to the psychologist asap. Thank you for your advice and kind words it means alot.

I also think you need to speak to her.

I was this child and i would purposely leave things as a cry for help but my mum never took me seriously, because of this I had no one to speak to and ended up with a history of self harm and suicide attempts.

Tell her openly and honestly what has happened and you would like to speak about it. Reassure her she isn't in trouble and make sure she knows you don't think her feelings are stupid and that any feelings she has are totally valid. Don't get angry with her no matter what she says and try not to get teary, just try and show concern. Let her know your there for her no matter what and you always will be, explain any emotions and feelings are normal and everyone struggled sometimes but that as a mum and because you love her so much you need to make sure she's safe.

Hi @ItsTheSmallThings I'm so sorry you had to go through that, my heart hurts for you..Thank you for sharing your perspective as the child in the situation, I definitely do not want to give her the impression that I don't take it seriously, great advice about not getting teary I also don't want her to feel she can't speak to me for fear of upsetting me. We have just had a lovely evening of laughs and watching Christmas movies...I am going to sleep on it and see what tomorrow brings. Thank you for sharing.

Please please tell her you found the book. I found similar.. Dd teen has made 2 serious suicide attempts since August.. Get your dd the right help before things get worse...
You won't regret getting help ime.

I'm so so sorry that is so awful for you and her, do you feel in hindsight that what you found was a cry for help? How is your DD now?

Felt a terrible dm as I am sure you do too... She had been looking on odd sites where people encourage self harming.. Which she had done back a year ago but stopped within a few months... Cahms are involved.. You can self refer via your local council for Early Intervention Support.. Not ss or that invasive but help for you as a family.. We are awaiting them starting ours..

What is your DDs access to the internet? Is it monitored? Can she message friends outside of school? If she does do you have access to this?

I’m sorry OP it bust have been such a shock for you to stumble across this. I had a sibling act in a similar way though a few years older, they self harmed for several years. One thing that really helped us was very strict internet controls. There is a lot of pro self harm content out there. My sibling also had a friend going through similar and they used to egg each other on. They all thought it was normal behaviour. Stopping access to those kind of conversations really helped my sibling turn a corner. So really check your internet protections.

There's also support out there for parents, you can have a look on
www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/supporting-others/childrens-mental-health/#support
Which has got some good stuff, but also there's a helpline via youngminds that parents can access for support.
I hope things go okay.

Is there any chance she may be being bullied at school?

I remember at aged 11 feeling utterly suicidal and this was back in the late 80's so no chance of social media influence there. I just had a group of really horrible children around me who made me feel like they'd prefer me to be dead. I was being bullied badly.
My parents were both working full time so pretty much "absent" from my life and teachers wanted to pretend there was "nothing to see here" rather than address the issue.

It's very young to feel that way.

Something must be going on. Talk to her.