How do people manage to go to work or survive sleep regression? Nothing seems to work

[Almech]

I all, I'm looking for advice on how to currently survive what I think is my son's 4 month sleep regression. I'm having to keep taking time off work to support my wife at home as he has simply become impossible to put down.

Up until three weeks ago he was swaddled and slept through the night no problem. Then he learned to roll over. Just did it one day, no time to build in a transition from swaddle to sleep sack so we went cold turkey. It was hard but he would do a couple of hours before waking, then take a an hour or so to get back to sleep. Manageable.

Then things got worse and the time he would stay asleep began to shrink rapidly. We were also told he was teething and he's just learned to sit up unsupported so is probably having a mental leap too.

He's been sleeping on my wife during the day since day dot because our health visitor told us that he wouldn't nap by himself until four months plus and he slept at night so we didn't see a problem.

We've had a bedtime routine for months that hasn't changed, always play white noise at night, bath etc.

Admittedly we fed to sleep but again, it never proved a problem until now.

He now will not be put down in his bed, at all. He screams. I spent an hour last night trying the pick up and put down method to no avail. He doesn't really take a dummy and even if we manage to get him down asleep it only lasts 20 mins maximum before he wake and screams again.

Reading a million and one posts about how it will get better but he won't self sooth and I have no idea how to tie this in with going to work. To get through the night we're having to shift sleep with him on one of us, which means that person can't sleep.

He needs to self settle but none of the methods we have tried have worked.

No evidence really of reflux and he's breastfed consistently through the day and gets plenty of naps.

At a complete loss as I've got to go back to work on Monday but at this rate, I will have to call in sick again as he won't have slept in his bed.

Health visitor was no use, just told us to put him down drowsy but awake and that's failed everytime we've tried it. Tring ti get a sleep consultant but they're not available until the next week.

Anyone been through this and made it through?

Sugar, caffeine and tears (mine and DH’s). I was a zombie and DH wasn’t much better (DS1 was a bottle refuser and a sleep training terror…went to sleep beautifully but woke every 45 minutes from 3-9 months). It does pass. And if you can all cling together through it then you’ll come out in one piece (trite though it sounds I have endless faith in my relationship with DH having survived that…DS2 was a doddle by comparison).

I would echo pp saying "acceptance". I had two non sleepers. The first woke every 20 fucking minutes for months. The second is only now sleeping through the night 50% of the time; he is 4 years old! Ive tried every trick in the book, even osteopathy, naturopathy, other quackery-thy and in the end was so much easier just to let it be. They'll sleep when theyre ready.
In the bad bad days i would go to bed at 5.30pm when my husband got home from work, sleep until midnight. Then he would get 6 hrs or so from midnight to when he woke for work.
Its brutal but acceptance really is key.

It’s been said a zillion times on this thread and I’ve not rtft but 100% agree acceptance is the way forward. Way less stressful to go with it, admit you’re tired and be kind to yourselves than try out a ton of different techniques which may or may not work (and even if they do only for a phase) and kill yourself doing so. Floating on a haze of sleepy acceptance works just fine.

Ok, so break this down. There is no one solution and there is no single problem. He's very very young and I know it seems endless when you are sleep deprived but he's absolutely tiny and he's barely aware that he's a human being who has an identity apart from the two of you. (Sleep deprivation with no 2 and currently no 3 has been much easier not because they sleep better- they don't, but because I have a more long term perspective on this). I agree with the others also about acceptance and being very kind to yourself and to each other (I have a newborn- so sending solidarity and she's my third).

So it seems like he needs help falling asleep and then when he wakes up after a 20 min cycle he's like: where is that thing I fell asleep to. I found reading the No Cry Sleep Solution very helpful. I didn't follow it exactly but I used it to detach just as he was falling asleep. And I did it over a week or so. And then over the next week or so I reduced the arm sleeping. So I would put him down next to me so he felt secure but I wasn't holding him. Then at night, after he was put down semi asleep after feeding, I would pat and stroke. Sometimes he would be upset, but I would hold him and pat till he settled (rather than picking up and putting down which has always struck me as slightly mad- if someone did that to me I would be infuriated). Over time (and not in 3 days or 7 days)- but over a month or so we got to a point where after his bedtime routine I could cuddle, feed, put him down, pat him and he would fall asleep. Then at the 20 min mark he might still need some firm patting but wasn't dissolving into hysteria, and then slowly the need for the pats reduced.

Now sometimes he got sick (esp in winter) and there was a setback and we would have to start again. But once he was sleeping reliably for longer chunks, we moved to the next stage, post weaning when I reduced the night feeds. So I would feed at 10 pm and 3 am and in between I would pat. (Your baby is too small for this). And only when there was no longer a need for the 3 am feed, did I move him into a cot from co-sleeping and repeated the whole 'stay there and pat and make sure they are secure' thing. And then eventually around a year or later they drop the 10 am feed. That doesn't always mean they sleep through the night- they might need a shush or a pat or even have a bad dream, but you have moved beyond the 20 min cycles. (My 6 year old had a bad dream and I had to go in twice last night to console him).

Through this process we also kept a little sleep diary so we could see how far he and we had come and to keep me on track a little. So break it down into components- falling asleep, staying asleep, reducing feeds, moving to a cot. These are all big developmental things for a tiny person and trying to cram them into one short 3-5 day window seems counterproductive to me.

I also say this because people sometimes see sleep as a short term thing and that's understandable when you are on your knees with exhaustion. I also live in the US with no mat leave so brutal sleep training is the norm. But I opted to go against the grain. What is the long term goal here? You want kids who go to bed happily and see it as a safe and secure place. There is no point having kids who sleep well at 6/8/12 months and then at 2.5 years or when they are potty trained bedtime takes two hours because you can't use the sleep training methods on an older kid. So hang in there! It gets better- I promise.

Wanting to send you strength and positivity. It’s brutal. What you’re going through is really torture and you’ll look back at this phase proud of yourselves for getting through but shattered.

A few resources that helped us were Little Ones - daily schedules by week/month and 24/7 online support. As well as speaking with Eileen Henry, a well regarded sleep/parenting consultant, who was really helpful in supporting us understanding/differentiating between our baby suffering and struggling, which was key to knowing when to step in to soothe vs giving an opportunity to settle.

As others have said, perhaps this is the 4 month sleep regression, for other bubs this will be a pattern they may keep up for months or years. If you can find ways to mentally/emotionally support eachother and viewing this as a journey, not a current problem to fix, it’ll be helpful (though absolutely requiring super human willpower when you’re just so sleepy). You’ll make it 💪

Whatever you try isn't going to work on the first night.
It takes average 3/4 nights for baby to fall into the new routine

I came across a competition to win a free sleep coach session on Koala & Joe - might be worth entering to get some expert help: www.koalaandjoe.com/blog/win-sleep/