Anxiety about leaving baby at Nursery

[MsTaz]

Returning to work in April 2023 and currently looking at nursery places for baby. Found an outstanding provider (OFSTED) Any advice for a first time mum to a rainbow baby? Feel anxious about leaving her with strangers 3 days a week. Should I phase her in one day a week? Anyone else felt the same way? Needs words of reassurance really.

It will be tough at first but she will quickly adjust and the people you’re leaving her with (who have much more child/baby care experience than you or I, remember!) will no longer be “strangers”. A phased start of one day a week will just massively prolong how long it takes her to settle I think. My son is 14 months and started nursery in September, four days a week. He cried at drop off for maybe a month but is totally relaxed and happy now. Honestly, don’t worry about it.

Based on our experience I'd say you'll be more stressed about it than your child! They will show extreme reactions for 5 minutes at drop off and pick up, and you will be thinking about it for the whole day.
I Assume your child will be almost 1 when they start.
My tips would be shorter sessions for more days. Eg 1 hour 3 days a week, then 3 hours, building up to full days.
And try to talk about it in advance. It seems silly talking to a baby, but it's like talking to a really good listener, they don't answer neck. But they can pick up on your attitude and your attitude will feel calmer as you discuss more often.
Also try to keep the drop off short, but allocate yourselves some time for the pick up. It's not a case of chuck them in the car and go home for dinner, they will need reassurance and reunion. So sit on a bench outside for 5,10,15 minutes until they have got it all out. And even once it's over, spend time reconnecting in the evening and allow a longer bath time routine too.
Good luck! In a year you'll wonder why you worried so much!
Also, the nursery will have done it 100 times, so let them guide you.

Thank you for taking the time to reply @Crossornot & @johnd2 your words make sense! In the meantime I’ll enjoy the time I do have at home with her.

My baby is now a few months into starting nursery and now settled.

I started a month before I was due back with a few hours and gradually built it up so he was going a full day before I started back at work.

I took this time as didn’t do this with my first and it made starting back work so much more anxious for baby and me.

Please remember it will take time for baby to settle, it is upsetting dropping them off, I have found it easier for baby and me (he cries less) if my husband drops him off.

One day a week is worse as they have six days not to be at nursery so end up upset every week. 3 days a week is optimal, they quickly get used to it. And I wouldn't consider the key workers as 'strangers', think of them as auntie Cathy or whatever . My DS who is 7 still has a good bond with his keyworkers from nursery as they've continued to babysit for us.

My 14 month old DS has been going to preschool two mornings a week since September and loves it. The nursery workers aren’t strangers for long and most of the kids run to the nursery staff at drop off. It’s more important that you put yourself in a positive mindset so your daughter doesn’t pick up on any worries you have.

I would do the suggested settling in sessions then go straight for 3 days. My second baby started at 14 months and settled very quickly with just a bit of crying at drop-off. My first baby went to childcare much earlier and also settled well.

I wouldn't do one day a week phasing in. That's just not enough to settle.

With DD, then 9 months, we did a half day on a Wednesday, then three half days Monday to Wednesday the next week, then straight on to three full days a week after that. This is what the staff recommend and I trusted them as they'd done this with hundreds of kids.

DD was unsettled the first session, a little weepy the second, cried on drop off on the third and fourth but settled while there, then happy at drop off thereafter. She still loves it now at 2 years.

As per others - just go for it. Settling in sessions then straight into 3 days. Be smiley, friendly, confident whenever you're around nursery. Swift handovers are your friend - bright and breezy 'good morning!' to the nursery, some sort of bright positive comment about what a lovely day they'll have. Hand over baby with confidence and then a bright and breezy 'bye bye, see you later' with a wave and walk out. Even if they start crying/fussing, don't break your facial expression and don't falter. They honestly will be fine once you're out of sight. Talk positively about nursery at home - what they've done, what a lovely time they've had.

Our daughter started at 7 months and goes 3 days a week. She loves it and her development has rocketed since being there. It's an adjustment but it will be fine. As for all the bugs you'll get - it's horrendous but it does get better. As others have said, leaving them is far worse for you than it is for them in most cases I think!

Biggest advice is to choose a nursery with a mixture of ages of staff.

This was me with my rainbow baby!
He done settling in sessions for a week or two then straight into it.
It was worse for me than it was for him.

Of course there is a tears but that soon stopped and he loves the place.

My advise would be, just go for it regarding days, don't hang around say bye I'll see you later and go.

Seconding the advice to make extra 1-1 time when they get home. DD spent all day with wholesome screen-free activities and organic food at nursery, so when I picked her up we used to spend half an hour cuddling on the sofa eating biscuits and watching CBeebies. Lovely times!

I found taking through DD’s routine with nursery really hard at first. It hammered home that I wouldn’t be present for every single thing. But actually, that was very quickly fine and chatting about her eating and poos with her keyworker felt like a partnership. Part of parenting her well was finding a setting where they cared about her and where she quickly started to greet her lovely nursery ladies happily each morning.

On the first settling in day when you leave her, do not just go home and cry (some crying is obviously perfectly fine, but don’t make that your whole morning). Arrange to meet a friend or get a haircut or something. Your house will feel empty, so plan something fun to set the tone for this next exciting stage for you and your DD.

Nursery is brilliant! Mine both love it, my eldest has just started school and is in the same class as some kids she's known since the baby room, it's really lovely.

The more days they do the quicker they'll settle. Big bright smiles, let them see that mummy is friends with these nice people who are looking after them.

Some of the nursery staff we've known all along are like family at this stage. Our family all live far away but nursery has allowed our girls to be part of a community.

Oh and one thing that really worked well for us - I went back to work and DH took a month of shared parental leave both times. The babies had their settling sessions in his last week off. It meant I could settle back into work without worrying about adjusting to nursery, it rebalanced things after maternity leave to make us more equal parents, and I think it was probably a little easier for them to be dropped off by daddy than by mummy (and her boobs) at first.