Should I tell my friend no to coffee?

[Awayawayohohohawayfromhere]

Sorry it’s long.

The short version is, DH and I both work, we try and evenly share the load of looking after DS and the housework etc but we’re permanently exhausted and living in a shit tip so we like to do things for ourselves to feel better but it feels impossible to fit it all in and I feel guilty that I’ve had a few treats this week already. Should I go out or cancel?

Long version.
DS is almost 20 months old. DH works full time compressed hours to get a day off each week to spend time with DS and save us on childcare costs. I work 30 hrs per week and have a day off for the same reasons. The other 3 days we have childcare. Grandparents and nursery. (We know we’re lucky to have the help)

Im able to do 30 hours pw as I got a promotion so could afford to do it and keep a similar salary. DH would love to reduce his hours but his salary is a lot lower so we can’t afford to.

We try and split housework/looking after DS as much as we can but DS still breastfeeds in the evenings and I still feed him to sleep so it’s me that puts DS to bed around 7:30/8 every night. DH always cooks dinner (he enjoys it and also DS always wants me so I rarely make it) I do want DS to reduce his breastfeeds but I was hoping it would occur naturally as he grew.

Because DH works compressed hours he starts before 9 and his earliest finish is after 6. It means that I always need to be back home after I finish work for when DS is dropped off or if DS is at nursery I need to drop and pick him up before and after work. It also means DH has to work every other Saturday 9-5 so I have DS on these days and DH has an alternate day off in the week to compensate. This week it happened to fall on my day with DS so I had booked a hair appt weeks ago but other times he has a day off child free in the week.

DH and I have had chat as my friend asked me for coffee on either Saturday with a mutual friend or Sunday just us. It would be for around 2 hours. Mutual friend is not bringing her child so I’d rather leave them to have a child free coffee Saturday. DS would be bored if I took him and I’d not be able to chat properly. But DH is a bit peeved as he wanted to spend the day with me and DS Sunday and pointed out there’s loads to do in the house and said he feels that he’s had DS a lot this week with having him for my hair appt on top of his additional day. (Appt took bloody 4 hours which it doesn’t usually!)

I did suggest asking my in laws if they would have DS for a few hours on the Saturday instead so I could go and free up Sunday but DH wasn’t keen as he doesn’t want to set a precedent of them having DS on a weekend as they will expect it all the time (whole other thread, but they can be overbearing)

Admittedly I did have 2 other appointments this week (one night I popped out for half an hour to get my brows done and one night I went for a back massage as I get a bad back.) But these were both after DS was settled and in bed so DH didn’t actually need to do anything. It just so happened that all these things fell in the same week which they don’t usually bit my back has been particularly bad recently.

DH does a hobby every Tuesday evening for a few hours where he sees his mates, he also does exercise 3x per week in the evenings, one he is out about an hour and the other 2 he does at home but it takes up the living room and lasts about 2 hours so I look after DS when he does these.

It wasn’t an argument we had but he obviously feels that me going out Sunday is one thing too many and whilst he wouldn’t stop me going, the conversation has left me feeling guilty for considering it and so I’m thinking of not going. But then I feel that I do so much in the week and it’s hard trying to fit in time to meet friends, I can’t easily just stay out after work whereas he could if he wanted, and I want to spend time as a family so I avoid arranging to meet friends on the Sundays when DH has worked the Saturday.

So….if you got this far you deserve a medal, should I go out with my friend or cancel?

He gets to see his friends every week but you don't have that option so I would say go and see your friends - looks like weekends are the only time you can see them atm and it's important to have grownup friendship time - unless you do get to see them every week? In that case maybe it's not fair on a busy week. Otherwise, Ok so this week has been a bit top heavy with other appointments but that's life, next week will be quieter

If you have enthusiastic Grandparents, then that seems like the best option.

I think it is really important to have 'me time' or 'treat time' or 'relaxing time' ring fenced, but it does seem like you have had that this week with 'having your brows done' and a 4 hour hair appt. I think your dh is right.

So, unless this friend is only in the area as a one of on a whirlwind trip from the other side of the world, I think your dh is right. I'd arrange the coffee for next weekend or the one after.

he obviously feels that me going out Sunday is one thing too many

You have had two outing this week, and would like a third on Sunday

He has three slots every week and often a child free day off by himself.

Not sure why he thinks your Sunday outing is too much.

He should be using his child free day in the week to crack on though those jobs.

Thanks. I’d say I go out with friends once every 3 or 4 weeks, but different friends. And it’s usually for coffee or dinner rather than a full night out. The friend on Sunday I haven’t seen for about 2 or so months. I did suggest to DH that he should make plans to have a night out with his friends a bit more regularly as it’s a hobby they do for a couple of hours on a Tuesday rather than a night out.

I think he’s struggling with getting used to the whole thing, working, being a parent, trying to fit in housework, getting time together and seeing friends. I sometimes things he tries to fit too much in and stresses himself out. It’s rare I do much in the week. This was a bit of an exception. I always feel guilty when my best friends get in touch as they’re both child free and not planning on ever having kids and they will ask last minute if I want to go to the cinema or go out for drinks after work and I __can’t at the moment so I’m usually turning things down.

I think go, definitely. And get a wall calendar where you both fill in when you're out (even your DH's regular Tuesday nights) so you can both see how much you're both doing.

@FinallyHere thank you

in fairness to him, he does usually use that extra day to get jobs done but then on the other side of it he does have the option to do some child free activities if he wants to as DS is at regular childcare whereas when I think about it, I don’t really get a regular child free day, the week day I have off is to look after DS, then every other Saturday I’ve got DS and then on Sundays when we are both off it is usually where we do stuff as a family so the only way I could have a child free day is to ask grandparents for extra or ask DH to have DS

@twentytwentythree good idea, we’ve set up a shared calendar on our phones but a wall chart might be good as it is always going to be there looking at us!!

Could you get the grandparents more involved during the week (say Friday nights) to see your friends on Friday evenings, that way the weekend days are free for family time? (That’s what I try to do!)

@UsingChangeofName they’re good points. If I did cancel then it’s not the end of the world but, the next weekend we’re out for the day together on the Saturday to see relatives with DS and DH on the Sunday DH is off out with his mates for a birthday, the following week would be DH’s Saturday at work again, so I’ll end up asking him to have DS for a few hours on the Sunday, again but I guess I’ll not have had the same appointments I’ve had this week

I realise as I’m writing that I sound like I pamper myself all the time but it’s just all happened in one go, I get a back massage every 4 weeks to stop my back from getting bad, and I get my hair/brows done every 6 weeks ish, usually my hair appt should be 2/2.5 hours ish but my hairdresser has gone on maternity and the other lady who is lovely seems to take longer and longer each time I go as she’s trying to fit the same number of clients in so I did feel bad for DH when I took so long this time

Tell him it's not a competition and to grow up.

Cannot believe he's trying to begrudge you going. Would you tell him he can't do an extra because he's been to the gym three times this week

Go and don’t let him make you feel guilty! Sounds a bit tit for tat… some weeks one of you will do more with him than others, it will just naturally fall that way. It doesn’t always have to be completely ‘fair’

He’s begrudging you a few hours with your friends? I think that sounds a bit mean to be honest. Surely he’d want you to go out. It’s not like you’re out all the time.

(Posted too soon)
….He’s both your child, not an extended work project. Whilst you’re out see if your husbands wants to ho to a local soft play that does nice coffee and he can have one whilst your son lets loose

I can't imagine being with someone who's counting how many times you've been out in a week/month. Sometimes you're busy, some times you're not. It needs to be fair overall, not to the minute.

Go for the coffee.

Honestly, it can be a game-changer. My DH was a bit of a pain every time I went out and then once we got the wall-chart and both used different coloured pens to write in not only nights out but who was picking up the kids from childcare/school etc it became clear I was doing more collecting of kids, bringing them to activities etc. It's good for avoiding potential grumpiness if one person feels they're doing more as they can just check it if necessary, and in general it helps head off those tedious negotiations as it's all there in black and white (actually purple and blue in our case!).

Agree with this.
It's just two hours He shouldn't be begrudging you two hours. Its mean. The sentiment should not be that you have already had your ration of fun for this month. It shouldn't be that closely monitored as you are clearly not approaching the whole thing with the idea of taking the p and overburdening the other partner.
The way you have written up so many reasons justifying it and weighing and measuring the whole thing, makes it come across as if you are really under pressure and that doesn't feel fair.
Family time is important but so are friendships. Keep up your friendships if you can, if you constantly turn down invitations, you don't want to feel left out or less in touch and overly dependent on your DH.

DH does a hobby every Tuesday evening for a few hours where he sees his mates, he also does exercise 3x per week in the evenings, one he is out about an hour and the other 2 he does at home but it takes up the living room and lasts about 2 hours so I look after DS when he does these.

No man/father would ever ask about this. He would go out. Your DH already goes out. Every week.

Just go!

@Blueberrywitch
its not a bad idea to get the grandparents but, the difficulty is I don’t want to take a lend, they each have DS a full day a week, and both sets of parents go to bed stupidly early, like 7:30/8pm so it makes them having DS in the evenings difficult. I want to get a balance right where we aren’t taking the piss.

My parents would look after DS at ours and stay up if we asked but Friday is their day with him so they couldn’t do that evening unfortunately and they always go for drinks on a Saturday evening (have done for years) otherwise that would be a good idea. I haven’t gone into specifics but my in laws can be difficult. I don’t think they mean to, the best way to explain is that they love DS so much (1st and only GC and DH is an only child) that all their logic goes out the window. For example, recently they asked to have DS for an extra day as they realised my parents were on holiday, we actually didn’t need the childcare as we were off work but they insisted as they said they wanted to see DS. We then asked if they could have DS one of the evenings that week so we could go out but they made such a fuss over it (long and boring story) that I ended up telling DH to go out and I stopped in (more of his friends were out than mine) and it put us off asking them to have DS in the evenings again.

I am praying for the day DS sleeps through and then he can go over to theirs and just stop the night, but at the moment for some reason they won’t come to ours to watch him and only want him at theirs so it’s not great as it means is having to wake him from his sleep and put him in the car when we are heading back from a night out.

God the more I type the more I realise that there are so many bloody other things going on that just make things that little bit harder than they need to be!

Completely not the point, but if you earn more than him, surely you'd be better off as a family if you worked more hours and he worked less? Quite confused how you can afford to drop your hours, but he can't afford to drop his. Surely it costs less if the lower earner drops hours than if the higher one does.

See your friend. He'll get over it.

The notion of you exceeding your fun quota is quite annoying. I do remember how it is with little ones though, you rarely do what you want to and things like hair appointments are suddenly seen as indulgent me time. Just go and don't feel guilty about it.

Thanks everyone. I will be going for the coffee, just messaged my friend.

We do usually work well as a team and I wouldn’t say he sort of counts how many times I’ve done something and how many times he has. If I’m honest, we’re both pretty tired as DS isn’t sleeping through the night still and I think he’s just tired, a bit fed up of work, sick of seeing the house being messy and has maybe wanted to just chill on the Sunday. I actually think he plans too many things in. He could maybe give up one of his exercise nights once in a while and use that time to go out with his friends instead rather than trying to always do the three sessions. But he’s effectively busy 4 of the 7 nights a week and most of that is him choosing to do things.

@mrsm43s I do get your point. It’s more about both of us wanting to get a day to spend time with DS while he’s little. We do count our money as family money, but DH’s job isn’t the best paid and it relies on bonus to top his basic salary up. It used to be that he had the higher salary and I earned much less but I got into an entry level role and have worked my way up over the last few years and just got qualified recently so got a slightly better job. Previously DH worked in a terrible industry and it was making him unwell (lots of night shifts) so we got to a point where he was able to get out and drop his salary. Potentially I might be able to ask my new work to increase my hours but both of us agreed that it would be good to be able to spend time with DS if we can so we’re sort of making it work that way for now.

It's not a fun place when you get down to a tit for tat type situation. I think you've both just got to accept that some weeks you might have a bit extra and some weeks he might have a bit extra. I'm sure he'd appreciate the flexibility the other way round? It's surely not beyond the realms of possibility that he might have an event filled week at some point!?

I assume you lo naps, you could time your outing around if you wanted to make it a bit easier on him. Not that I think you need to.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff thank you, just to pick up on one of your points, I do feel quite a lot of pressure. I do try and have that bit of self care but I also try and be supportive to DH too. Usually he is very much that way with me too.

I feel pressure in the sense that I’m always trying to look ahead and plan things in to fit around mine and DH’s work and bedtimes so will arrange appointments after DS is in bed. Or I’ll arrange to see friends at the weekend but won’t stay out too late, partially because DS will have me up early so I’ve got to try and balance it with how late I want to be out for. DH will try and help as much as he can but the reality is, DS still likes to breastfeed at night and through the night so whilst DH will go in and try and settle him at night and doesn’t leave it all to me, ultimately I do end up doing most of the childcare.

If I’m at work I have to keep an eye on my diary and not put meetings in at certain times as I know I need to be back home at a certain time. DH can do his best but it’s me who takes DS to and from nursery as he cant due to work and it’s me who has to get back for when DS is dropped off as again he is working. I’m conscious that I need to keep doing well at work as I’m the main earner now. And that can be a pressure.

iI is our own doing as we want to have that time with DS but it might be something that has to shift at some point in the future.

I am struggling to get my head around a man who usually has a full day to himself, plus 3 or 4 evenings out exercising or seeing friends, complaining because you want to have a coffee?!