Raising a son

[showmethegin]

Saw the other thread on here tonight and found it so interesting. I have a son, only 5 months but thought I'd start a thread to run alongside!

Tips on raising great boys

Consistency and rules have served me well for DS who is nearly 15. People used to say I was really strict with him when he was younger. I wasn't, I just had clear and fair rules and boundaries and stuck to them. None of this "boys will be boys" nonsense. Now he's older, I'm not the embarrassing parent ever, and we have open conversations about a variety of things. I always try to see things from his point of view, and opinions are articulated well without arguments. If he's right and I'm wrong, I say so.
To be honest, coupled with routine, this will all apply to girls too.

That's interesting and I so agree with your perspective. I fucking hate that boys will be boys nonsense

I only have a girl. So feel free to ignore me

When I look at the school though, it's massively more difficult for boys to be individuals. If you don't like football, and whatever the game of the moment is, you're excluded.

Filling them with confidence in their own choices, including choices which aren't the norm, is great. Avoiding peer pressure is huge for boys.

Listening. To everything they are passionate and talk about. If you listen they will talk. Which is useful when they are teens. Build trust. Listen, don't offer judgement or opinion all the time. Just listen to them.

Against my better judgement here but being a mate sometimes has also paid off. Ds19 told me recently " my mates not close to his mum.like me and you are, I feel safe being open with you about stuff"

We talk about inappropriate stuff, he swore in front in me once at secondary. It's a balance of not getting mad, just a gentle, don't swear so much, I'm your mum not your mate. I do say a few times a year 'I'm not here to be your mate, I'm here to set you up to be functioning adult' but from say 13 that got more blurred. I have never got affronted and said 'how dare you swear in front of me!"

You find your own way tbh but never being aghast even when I have felt angry, or disappointed or frustrated, just dial it down. Yes I loose my shit occasionally but overall I try to be steady, approachable ( even after 12am with a teen) listen and never get offended.

Who knows if it's worked? But he tells me stuff I'd never tell my mum

I am only recently seeing how much my DH's upbringing is now impacting our own marriage. His mum was a SAHM, literally did everything for her DH and the kids, her DH has never put on a load of washing or ironed a shirt. My DH isn't quite that bad, but it's a struggle trying to get across my expectations when that was never in his radar.

So I will definitely be expecting both my son and daughter to do their bit around the house, to be able to help with meals, washing, wire a plug, and do both traditional male and female roles. I'm determined that my son will be brought up very differently to my DH.

MIL did everything for DP even though she is quite an ardent feminist. DP is good now but it took a good long while for him to realise that shit doesn't just disappear from the floor and appear in a drawer clean and folded!!! Definitely will be enforcing chores (when he's of age, don't thinks t 5 months he has the dexterity to work the washing machine buttons yet!)

My boys are only young at the moment but I refuse to enforce stereotypical play onto them. My dad for instance has never worked a washing machine, doesn’t cook, doesn’t do any of the ‘woman’s jobs’ and when I said I’m thinking about getting my son a toy kitchen he said ‘don’t be stupid he’s not a girl’.

Well, I got him the kitchen and he absolutely loves cooking me a variety of wooden vegetables. I’m getting him a chef outfit for Christmas and a bigger kitchen because he loves it so much! I’ve also got him a toy Dyson vaccum because he always wants to help me hoover and a toy kettle and toaster. He also has a boy doll who he feeds and read stories to. He does also love cars, diggers and dinosaurs.

I think it’s important boys are encouraged to take interest in every day activities to learn life skills so they can be independent and productive men, and great husbands and fathers if they choose that path. My husband is a great cook, shares the chores, works the washing machine and changes nappies, takes kids to doctors appointments etc. my dad never did any of that, it was all left to my mum and he would never be able to cope without her. So damn right I bought my son that kitchen and I’m so glad I did.

I think it starts so young doesn't it. DP is completely competent and comfortable with every area of baby care. We take it in turns for bed and bath, he packs the nappy bag for me every night before bed so I can get up and go the next day when he's at work etc etc I always said to him, you don't magically get a 5 year old lad that adores you and wants to play what you want to play, the 'boring' stuff nappy changes and the like is what builds that bond

Oh definitely. The majority of a child’s brain development occurs in the first 12 months and the experiences they have during that time sets the base of who they’ll be as they grow up. It’s such a crucial time for bonding, attachment and positive influence.

Oh and as they get older, porn is fiction and really unhealthy fiction at that. Consent and feeling good is reality.

That speaks volumes to me as the vast majority of my close friends are boys and are quite individual in their interests and quirks and without exception their parents are too, but loving and fun and nice. We're all 30-34 but all spend time with their parents too!

My sons are still young so could be wrong.
I've never shamed them for crying or having emotions and think it's really important that when they're angry they have the tools to calm down.

I've had a lot of angry men in my life and it's really important to me that they're not aggressive or only have the emotions fine or angry/hostile.

If they lash out I try to validate their feelings but guide them sort of thing. Like it's ok that you are angry/sad/feel nervous but it's not ok to push your brother or i can see you are getting frustrated and I think that's really mature of you that you found something else to play with (sometimes through gritted teeth 😅)

So far they are the most loving, caring boys ❤️

Mine are older teenagers now and whilst we do a lot for them they can do it all themselves and always have to pitch in , help with chores
But then my dh does all that I do so they are used to seeing us both tackle the washing , the cleaning etc so its not seen as mums job
They are both sporty boys though but just how they are and Im a massive football fan myself so don't see that as only a boys thing
They will both where pink etc and when young had a mix of toys but one was a real superhero toy kind of kid but thats ok too, I never forced mine to play or watch anything , always led by them
Always tried to teach them bullying is not ok and even watching a friend do it , is wrong, never stand by.
Always taught them one thing in life that is free is manners.
Accept they will make mistakes and wrong decisions in life but its how you react to them that matters , no one is perfect no matter what they think.
Recently out in a club ds1 nearly got involved in fight but for sticking up for a girl he never knew as him and his friends got involved when an older man would not leave a girl alone, they asked him to leave her , told him she had made it clear to go away and helped her find her friends, that I hope is how they continue to be , caring for others, but they still are teenagers so clothes on the floor ,dirty cups in the room is just a given I think ( they always have to tidy it)

I agree with poster up thread, clear and firm boundaries from time they can walk, then you avoid the tantrums and my child will only eat X nonsense. Also limit screen time and promote sport. My 16 year old only games about 2-3 hours a week. Instead he goes to karate Tuesday, Crav Mgar Wednesday, swims Thursday, plays cricket 1-1 training Monday and Friday. He is also kind and polite and does voluntary work.