Please be kind. Fears about breastfeeding and drinking

[Missgxt]

Hello.
I honestly cannot hate myself more so I would appreciate the lack of negative judgements although I deserve it.

For many years I have been a daily functioning alcoholic in which I have only been able to admit. I am in therapy and have been since pregnancy.
I struggled horribly with pre natal depression with the he thoughts of suicide. I was able to stop drinking when I found out I was pregnant in the very early weeks, thankfully with no question whatsoever and wanted it to stay that way.

Fast forward, I have given birth to a beautiful baby girl and thought one drink wouldn’t hurt about a month or so post birth.
I was warned by my midwives that prenatal depression could easily transfer after birth and which it did. I had so much guilt and anxiety and fears that drinking again I felt was the only way to calm this. It eased my sudicial thoughts that came up one and while again.

The drinking has been going on daily for about 6 months. I am breastfeeding. I have was so little makes it into the milk and int be early months I timed it perfectly ( 2 hours wait or drank whilst feeding so milk would be “ Gone” by next feed. By doing this I believed that all was well (the thoughts of an naive alcoholic). My dependency grew and up
untik recently I have been having a bottle or so across the day or from the evening onwards. ( a bottle of wine or it would be a few beers daily ) I drank no spirits ( another excuse I believed to make this okay) I have such a high tolerance I get most things done, house is clean, meals are made etc. from the outside I come across as just a normal sleep deprived mother.

My baby girl is on track development wise, even surpassing all of her milestones (crawling by 5/6 months), said mama at 7 months and now standing and cruising at 8 months.

i love her with all my heart and I am hoping I have done nothing or at least minimal negative to effect her. Now I am sober and 100% plan to stay that way as my health has suffered which is reversible with supplements I want to move forward being the best mother possibly.

has anyone drank to close to excess or more than recommended and baby has been fine?

thank you

Oh you poor love, have you spoken to any professionals about this? You're doing so well, I can't imagine how hard this must be.

Have you got support in real life too?

Yes I am now in therapy. The drinking is I no longer an issue. I am done with it. My anxiety is something else. I am just finding the guilt so difficult to handle that I have caused her harm somehow and the fact I wasn’t strong enough

Please don't feel guilty. You've got help and got better and stopped drinking.

I hope you've got plenty of support. X

I say this with no knowledge at all but babies are hardy. They get through lots of physical adversity and they thrive (my sister was drinking heavily all throughout her pregnancy as she has no idea she was pregnant until 8 month- her daughter is in her 20s now and absolutely fine)

Very very little alcohol goes into breast milk. My grandad used to give his children a shot of whisky in his children's bottles to help them sleep back in the day, his children are all over 70 now and never had any physical impact from this. But if you're happy to be open with professionals ask them about this, in fact maybe the breastfeeding network could provide some advice?

You're doing great, you should be so proud of yourself

Well done for being sober now. I hope you have good support in place.

You did incredibly well to quit alcohol in pregnancy. Drinking whilst breastfeeding is nowhere near as dangerous as drinking in pregnancy. Whilst pregnant you share blood and alcohol levels in blood can be very high. It doesn't get into milk at such levels. I don't know the science but if she seems healthy and is developing normally that is great. There is no point beating yourself up over this. You have moved forward and the best thing you can do for yourself and your baby is to stay positive and sober.

You have to be strong for your baby. You are breastfeeding as you know this is the best milk for your baby. Stop drinking and you will be doing so well for her.

I know it's not easy but there must be other ways to distract your mind from alcohol?

I have no answers but I just wanted to say I have faith that you want to do the best for your baby but you must be strong.

Sorry I misunderstood thinking you were still drinking.

You can not control the past but you can shape the future. Let go of the guilt as it serves no purpose. Focus on being a wonderful mum.

Agree with PP. The alcohol you've already drunk is highly unlikely to have affected the baby. You are now sober which is the best for both of you. Motherhood on it's own is hard enough without the extra pressures of acknowledging and solving a drinking problem, so I applaud you.