8 year old and friendships

[Mynameiselvispresley]

Does anyone have any experience or ideas? DS is 8 and hasn’t found his tribe and it’s making him sad and anxious. That’s the short version.

Here’s the long version. He was part of a little group of boys and girls and was best friends with a girl in it from nursery. However over the last 6 months she has started to play with a bigger group of girls who are going through a phase of “No boys allowed” and he says she’s been making fun of him and ignoring him. The main group of boys in his class are a lot rougher than him and get in trouble quite a bit eg threw a chair at a teacher. But I’ve seen him happily playing football and school says he is well liked.

But he still says he doesn’t feel a fit in and doesn’t have any friends. He is quite a sensitive soul, very caring of other people but not at all introverted. He’s also very geeky and bright. He’s had play dates but they haven’t deepened friendships and I’m thinking about finding more outside school clubs so he can make friends around his interests more. We’re very close so he’ll talk to me more than DH and he is very well loved by our whole extended family. I’ve also ordered some reading books which include themes around friendships too. I feel so sad for him as he’s truly a lovely child.

They break your heart don’t they? DD is the same and same age. I think you’ve done all the right things with encouraging play dates and clubs sound like a good idea as well. It’s nice for them to have friends not linked to school. It might be worth a chat with the teacher as well to see if they can offer any insight or suggest any tips.

One thing that worked well for DD was activity books along the lines of self esteem etc. I’m not for a second suggesting it’s a problem with your son, more that it opens up some conversations. If you search ‘You’re a star’ by Poppy O’Neill on Amazon she does a few books along those lines and you can look at them together.

Another success was a kindle book I picked up called ‘social skills activities for kids - 50 fun exercises for making friends’. It went through practical things like how to join in a game, how to pass the ‘conversation ball’, when to ask questions and when to listen.

At the end of the day we worry more than they do I think, and I’m sure your DS will be fine but I wish you the very best of luck and you sound like a lovely parent.

Firstly, he’s a well loved and secure boy and he will be (and is!) absolutely fine.

Secondly just keep being the wonderful parent you are, arranging play dates and talking it through with him when he wants to, reading relevant books with him, and just keeping things buoyant while he figures it out.

Have you heard about the highly sensitive child? No idea if this applies to your son but 10-15% of the human population are more finely tuned to the environment, other people and their own emotions. There are advantages but it might be harder for these children to find their people simply because there are less other people like them! Your son will need to learn how to identify true friends and feel confident not to settle. It's worth being patient, enjoying your own company and being patient with finding people you really connect with - that's a life lesson worth learning early.

Thank you so much for responding and being so kind and helpful. I was so upset when I wrote this. It’s helped me to see your comments. It’s good to think about thinking about how to develop his social skills as much as nurturing his interests and friendships. Thank you all again.

Woah an eight year old threw a chair at a teacher? I’d be changing schools. No wonder he doesn’t fit in if they behave like that. That’s not being sensitive it’s being a normal human

I have a similar aged DD with no real tribe either. Lots of acquaintances but no besties yet. I’m heartbroken for her but looking back I didn’t find my gang until secondary really.

Can I just say have you considered moving his schools? It's not normal to throw chairs at teachers - no wonder he's struggling he sounds like a really lovely decent kid maybe it's the other kids that are the issue here? It does happen.

Following - I have similar with DS who is 6. He got really upset this evening as he says he has no friends to play with at breaktime and that he's losing the friends that he used to have. It's so heart breaking. He also hasn't found his tribe but doesn't have naturally good social skills and it's definitely something we need to work on.

He sounds like a little sweetheart. The problem seems to be is the other boys are rough. That’s not his fault. I bet if he were in a different school with like minded boys it wouldn’t be a problem at all. There are plenty of schools where the geeky, gentle boys thrive but they tend to be in the same private/grammar area. I might get flamed for this but it’s just my opinion.

Its a great idea to introduce him to clubs like Cubs outside school. That will give him a massive social circle without having to rely on the school boys for it. Also you can volunteer with Cubs so observe what the other kids are like and see if they are a good fit for him.