finding family life impossibly hard

[dreamsofsleep]

Hi
I'm just posting because I have been finding parenting such a huge struggle and I'd love a handhold and/or advice.
In brief - 3 kids - girl 11, boy 8, boy 4. DH workaholic with all consuming job. We're so so lucky - we have enough money and we're all healthy. But. DD 11 has always been very complex, hugely emotionally volatile and very very difficult to parent. I could go on for ages but in brief she is hyper sensitive and insecure but also has massive anger issues which come out at home. Has always been aggressive at home, always had flashes of physical lashing out, now escalating into proper violence, in past three weeks she has slapped me across face twice and pushed me in face once. She is bright, talented and when all is right in her world, absolutely lovely. But any slight struggle in her world and she goes to pieces and takes it all out on us. Pushes her dad away and demands that I tend to her every emotional need- if we try to refuse, she will scream house down, and as this is often at night, we can't let her, as she will wake her brothers. She also has massive difficulty falling asleep so I'm often up with her till 11, and that's after an evening of emotional drama.
8 year old boy is just ... a really straightforward 8 year old boy. Sensitive and definitely pushes boundaries, but fundamentally on an even keel emotionally, optimistic and sweet. If it wasn't for him I would really think I was the worst parent ever, because youngest child is also so challenging!
He is 5. Again really lovely and loving when all is going his way but cannot cannot bear the word 'no' and prone to massive meltdowns which can be violent and destructive. I spend a huge amount of time physically restraining him because I've held a boundary and he's flipped and started throwing stuff around or hitting me. The rest of the time I am digging very very deep to find the patience to get down on his level and do the whole 'I see you are very sad that I've said no to chocolate for dinner, but we don't hit ...' thing. He is very picky with food and won't eat 'proper' food at all, lives on cereal, carrots, yoghurt and junk food. Is selectively mute at school, so obviously a very anxious child. He is up at 5.30 every day. He also pushes dad away (relatively new thing but getting more ingrained) so I'm up with him every day at that time, having been dealing with DD till gone 11pm previous night.
I'm not working atm, unfortunately, so I deal with all this every single day after school. Recently DH has been away a lot and busy at weekends so I've been single parenting a lot. DH is wonderful, just very stressed with work and takes on way too much in general. GPs are great but all live far away. No family at all nearby.
I am sleep deprived, extremely stressed, worried about DD and kind of very distressed about the violence... now feeling myself getting lower and lower as it's all too much. Also trying to get a qualification to retrain atm but finding it hard to have the energy and stay motivated.
Thank you to anyone who's read this far. Anyone come through this sort of stress and have any words of wisdom?

Sounds like such a tough situation, and so much emotional work (and if husband away I imagine a lot of physical work as well!) sitting with you.

My situation is pretty different in many respects, but I do deal with my kids (one of whom is ‘challenging’) mostly on my own due to husband work travel/ commitments. The bit that stood out to me from your post was sleep deprivation- when my husband is away weeks ata time, the hardest part is never having one day a week to sleep as much as I need. I am totally fine being up with the kids (late nights and early mornings) 5-6 days a week if I have one day to really sleep in. If you haven’t already, I would recommend insisting on one morning where you sleep in. In a weekend I have one day and my husband the other (when he is around).

also, how are you spending your days? I presume the kids are all at school (maybe nursery for youngest?)- do you take time for yourself, or do you feel like you have to be productive all the time? If you are up at 5:30 and dealing with kids until 11pm, you need some time off, and if not working regular hours I would capitalise on the middle of the day. Again, I feel this most acutely when on my own. I work freelance, which is maybe similar in some respects to retraining in that I have some autonomy in my schedule. some days I need to be really productive and power through, but on days where I don’t I try to lean in to self care - I will set some really basic objectives for the day, but then switch off and do whatever feels restorative (gardening, reading, have toyed with the idea of a nap day although I am a terrible sleeper).

Take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids.

I am not a doctor and do not know your family, but quite a lot of what you've posted sounds possibly autistic and/or adhd. If that's so, then that could be good news - because there's huge scope for them to understand themselves better and to grow.

Explosive Child (Ross Greene) might help. And yes to the sleep deprivation point!

Has your daughter been assessed
for ASD/ADHD?

Being a workaholic doesn’t make parenting 3 kids optional. To use a well worn mumsnet phrase - you have a DH problem first and foremost.

That sounds very challenging OP. You need help from your DH and also outside help. GP referral to camhs/autism assessments for your 11 and 5 year olds? It shouldn't be like this. What do their schools say?

I would echo what others have said, some of what you describe sounds like post school let down (it has an official name .. i forget.. something like restraint collapse?) and your daughter sounds like she might be neuro diverse or have some traits of ASD. do you feel you could talk to school to see what they see? they may also have some useful contacts. otherwise GP can be helpful.
hugs, the sleep deprivation can’t be helping. for what it’s worth, keep being consistent, it might be draining but it’s good for all three of them.

Thanks all so much for replies. Labrador - good advice - I do yoga but otherwise vacillate between trying to be productive and wasting time online, your approach sounds much better. Also yes to the sleeping in once a week -i don't get this atm.
As for possible diagnoses - it has been suggested for both challenging kids and I have wondered and wondered about DD, read extensively, talked to professionals (though never brought her along) but ultimately feel she's super super sensitive rather than neurodiverse - she is just too functional on her good days. Youngest has actually been referred for assessment but based on 10 min call with GP who was very quick to refer. Again I feel he's sensitive and anxious rather than autistic, but my mind is open.
As for DH! It's complicated! But he does try hard and mean well, we are just in some very negative patterns of coping/sharing load/division of responsibilities. And because we are fire fighting the entire time, it's hard to redress the balance in the marriage.
Thanks again everyone. it really helps to have support.

Go into school or GP and ask for an assessments - this will list all Aspergers traits - she needs the help to cope with her emotions.

I would get them both assessed anyway to be sure.

as an added thought, it could be your eldest is masking her difficulties (you may know girls in particular do this) which is why you get the challenging behaviour at home in her ‘safe space’ when she’s exhausted. on a more practical note, we have used weighted blankets and sleep stories quite successfully to get to an over anxious child to sleep.

Girls in particular are incredibly adept at masking their neurodiversity. Doing so heightens their anxiety/anger/sensitivity. Really, please please have her assessed.

(and then sort out DH too)

Sympathies OP as have similar situation here. It’s exhausting

@pasinphoebe can you direct me to which sleep stories you've used, please? I've tried different ones but hard to find ones that work so great to have recommendations. Never tried a weighted blanket, will look into it.

So many barriers in my head to going down assessment route - feel like would be traumatic for DD and just feel like I'd be somehow making a fuss over nothing. Though rationally I can see it's not nothing.

She's in secondary school now so I think I may go in and have a chat. Throughout primary school staff was very kind but basically looked at me like I was neurotic as she is an absolute star in school- bright, diligent, polite, engaged ....
Little one is a bit different in that teacher told me he was selectively mute a few weeks in and had clearly noticed he was very sensitive ... but i think still thought the idea of assessment was wide of the mark.

Ok, DD now asleep so I'm going to bed too! Will return tomorrow! Thank you again, all.

Sounds like the PDA element of ASD.

Can you imagine how much better she would feel if she is ND and she starts getting the support she needs? The assessment isn't traumatic!

bless you. it’s very tiring especially if you are doing it alone much of the time. I had a good friend who’s daughter presented much the same. eventually they decided to privately pursue and got an autism spectrum diagnosis and some support. they fought for some time as she was fitting in well/ blending in at school.
we use the Calm app, no one story in particular, a mixture of the kids stories and the adult ones really. I hope things get easier for you.

This all sounds really hard for you op.

In addition to the weekly sleeping session (which sounds like an excellent idea) and seeking assessments, I would suggest advertising for a mother’s help with whom you can share the load. Someone who can help you after school a few days, or every day, and most of the evening. It needs to be the right person, maybe an experienced older nursery nurse, or someone with experience of highly sensitive dc or dc with sen, or just a very experienced young grandmother type.

Another suggestion is hiring someone for 3 hrs on a Saturday or Sunday morning to look after your dc while you and your dh go out and do something together. My dh and I did this for a year and a half - when we were going through a very pressured time - and even if we did the food shop and visited a diy shop in that time, or had a coffee in a garden centre, it was a physical and mental break away from parenting that we both enjoyed and looked forward to all week.

Sounds quite similar situation to mine although I've only 2 children, both girls.

Your daughter may or may not have asd / adhd but she does sound so much like my 10yo, who is diagnosed asd. I find that very little demands on them at this age works best, as long as you set clear lines that cannot be crossed.

Also puberty hormones, transition to secondary, friendships issues etc all contribute for difficult emotions but her being physically abusive towards you is not acceptable. You need to really come down with a ton of bricks on that one. Explain calmly that you will not tolerate physical violence and if it happens again then xyz will happen, (whatever you feel is an appropriate consequence but mean it and stick to it).

Think of things that absolutely must get done such as school work, personal care and set bedtimes (my dd never slept until gone midnight for years, she's now taking melatonin which has saved my sanity and improved her mood as no longer physically exhausted).

When she screams & shouts etc try to remain calm and say you'll discuss when she's calmed down or similar (lord knows it's easier said than done but really does help not to rise to the behaviour). Staying calm and non judgmental helps, demonstrate the behaviours that you'd like her to learn, you are the role model and it takes a LOT of practice. (I still lose my shit occasionally but 90% of the time I do not retaliate and just acknowledge her feelings, even when she's screaming she hates me).

Your 5yo sounds like they could be copying what they see behaviour wise, I had this with my younger daughter but now she's 7 it has almost stopped.

Speak to school to see how she is there, ask to see the senco too as they may be able to signpost you for more support for your dd.
I'm sorry it's long and may sound preachy, but I really do know how challenging and exhausting parenting children with difficult behaviours is. I have no family who are healthy or young enough to offer support, husband is a workaholic so all lands on me.

I work 3 days and as stressful as it is, I do find it helps to stimulate my mind and it's nice to have calm adult conversations.

Lastly remember that you are the safe person your kids can express their emotions with so unfortunately makes us emotional punchbags. Do try to address the physical side of things though as I feel if it continues it could spiral and at 11 she should be able to control her lashing out.

You sound like a lovely mum who is doing the best you can by your children. You are not alone, it's sometimes really hard being a mum.

It sounds very very hard.
Your DD may have autism. She may kist be very angry about her life. Is there any possibility she could have been sexually abused? Have you tried to explore with her in a calm moment what she is so angry about?

Your youngest may need to be assessed. He may also be reacting to your eldest behaviour. It is hard to know without a professional assessment.

The assessment process is not traumatic at all and my two DS (one ASD one ADHD) are thriving with the self awareness of how their brains work.

Selective mutism can be related to autism. I am amazed that your school identified this and yet did not push for assessment.

I’m really touched by all your kind and constructive replies. @ellieboolou especially thank you - the advice re keeping calm is so much needed. I try and try and do well until the vitriol gets to me and I snap. You’re absolutely right about demands too. Problem is that secondary school comes with a lot of demands … and has really catapulted her into all those horrible adolescent anxieties re being cool and having right stuff, saying right thing etc. not helped by social media, which I’m quite firm on but is an endless battle.
I’m going to phone GP and see what she says- last time I tried she referred to in house mental health clinic for young people but she’s not been seen yet. I hope the violence might get her up the waiting list or on assessment list.

ASD is the first thing that came to mind when I read your descriptions of both your children you have concerns about, and my job relates to this area. I would echo PP and recommend neurodevelopmental assessment for both

To echo a PP, The Explosive Child would be well worth reading/listening too. There's a website (Lives in the Balance) with easily digestible videos too. I'm currently finding the fb group based on the premise really helpful - it's called The B Team.
Basically it's all about living with 'explosive' kids. Might be helpful as it's not about diagnosis and what that brings but about how you live in this situation and manage your live and your child's life to avoid explosions.