Dad takes no initiative

[Busychristmas]

I am wondering if anyone might be able to help me raise this with my husband as I am really fed up.

Our toddler wakes early (usually around 6 but 5 isn’t unheard of) it’s always me who gets up. Husband gets up at 7, we leave the house at 715 for nursery / work so WFH husband then has a lovely chilled hour in an empty quiet house.

I then entertain toddler between 430-7, I do bath and bed. If toddler wakes in the night I go to him (not very often in fairness.)

Clearly DH is taking the piss a bit but the issue I have is that trying to get him to do anything leads to me having to tell him anyway. So the early wakeups for instance, I’d have to wake DH to get toddler and then by the time he’s had a wee and faffed and farted around I’m wide awake so tend to think I might as well sort toddler anyway. Same with night wakings.

We are in such a bad habit just now where I can barely speak to him I’m so resentful. Would appreciate help.

You need to alternate getting up early, whoever has a ‘lay in’ until 7 does that bath time. You need to tell him it’s possible to wee while looking after a toddler.

It’s easy to say this but in practice when it just results in more stress and upset for me it’s hard to force.

So say tomorrow morning I tell him - ‘I’ve done every wake up since time began, you need to get up.’

And toddler is crying and crying and he just doesn’t move and so I have to shake him awake and he’s grunting and groaning and eventually he wakes and then goes ambling off for a wee and eventually gets toddler … it’s still not fair. As in contrast to his lovely long sleep mines been disturbed and I’m wide awake. And I’m so so tired.

You need to have this conversation not in the heat of the moment. You need to explain to him how unfair and disrespectful his current behaviour is. If you do this and he still doesn’t bother his arse then he is telling you clearly what he thinks of you.

So you do all mornings, and all bath and bedtimes?

But you would specifically like to change the mornings?

If you tell him how upset you feel at his lack of involvement in the mornings, when he has free time that you never get, what would he say? Have you framed it in terms of your emotions and how unfair it is, how resentful it makes you feel? What does he say to that?

Resentment is a poison in relationships. This needs to be resolved to save your marriage and your sanity!

You need to come up with an agreement that suits you. If you think it's too stressful getting him to do the weekday mornings (especially given how early you need to be out the house), perhaps agree you'll do them but that in lieu of that you get a full morning to yourself at the weekend. That evens things out a bit because, as you say, he has a lovely childfree hour every day before work (the equivalent of half a day). On your free morning he needs to get up with the toddler and sort out getting dressed, breakfast etc... and ideally head out somewhere so you have some proper peace and quiet.

Bedtimes you can alternate, there's no excuse why that can't happen.

Night wakings are hard. In theory they should be shared but in my experience with my own two, they'd never settle for my dh if they woke at night and always just wanted me. They'd get so upset that I'd be wide awake anyway and so we've never managed to share nights. You might have more luck though, so do try!!

Your dh needs to pull his finger out. You're a team and he needs to start acting like it!!

There will never be a time that you don't wake when your toddler wakes, but you will learn to kick DH and roll over to go back to sleep! You just need to set the guidelines before hand. So take it time about to get up, and put to bed. Make it clear whose turn it is. It'll take time to sink in but eventually it'll work like clockwork! As another poster said, resentment is not good so you need to talk to your DH, and get it nipped in the bud now. We do this, and sometimes I still have to give DH a shame and sometimes he has to nudge me because I've turned the monitor down and fallen back asleep!

Alternate days and on his days he can set an alarm for five am and get up. Then he’s nice and ready and awake for when toddler wakes up.

Men like this make my blood boil. He is buying free time with your exhaustion.

Why doesn’t he do evenings and bedtimes?